Marriage over...what now?

[brogueish]

We're both around 50, been together 15 years, married for 9, and we have one primary aged child.

Our lives have been moving away from each other for years - different interests, different friends, and honestly all we really have together is our home and our child. There's no sex life at all, our communication has become very superficial to the point that I think we both bore each other honestly, we do bicker. However there's no abuse or anything like that.

Something quite insignificant last night showed up how far our worldviews have diverged, and it resulted in a big conversation where we were actually open and honest with each other for the first time in months. We have grown so far apart and it's just incredibly sad. We do still like each other, but I think we've both been unhappy in our own ways for a long time. I took voluntary redundancy last year from a company I'd been with for 20 years, which was messy in itself, and now this just feels like my life is all over the place. I have started a new job and work full time (but flexible hours) now though. He lost two friends at the end of last year and is I think struggling with that.

When we spoke last night, we both want to at least have a good friendship long term, for all of our sakes. He's not sure about whether there's a future in us as a married couple; I'd like to at least try and find out. We're both "children of divorce" and we always said that we did not want to do that to our child. But this is all very fresh and although none of it is actually a surprise, it's the first time we've had to seriously confront it. I don't even know where we'd go from here if we were to separate, we live in a house that's too small for us already, he earns more than I do, we're both dedicated parents although I do all of the "parenting admin".

I would love to hear from people who've been in a similar situation - what did you do, did you separate, how does counselling work, were you able to get back on track...? I don't want this relationship to be dead in the water, but from the outside is that how it sounds?

Thanks if you've made it to the end.

Hi OP, sounds very daunting, sorry you are in this position... Speaking as a child of divorced parents, one thing sticks out to me: "we did not want to do that to our child". In case of a divorce, you are not doing it to your child. Staying together for kids NEVER does work. Kids are not blind to their parents unhappiness, and I highly doubt that you would want yours to grow up absorbing the normalisation of an unhappy relationship.. You wouldn't advise them in the future to stick with a partner they are not happy with, either... Please, always have that in mind. If DH and your divorced parents didn't handle it well, that is on them, but not a general truth...

Normally I would always ask about communication, finding out if there is willingness to save anything from both parties, but it sounds like you already had that chat, and you are a bit further down the line. If you put your hand on your heart, would you actually like to reverse it and try to be in a loving, intimate relationship with him, or you'd rather just exit? I know you said you don't necessarily want it to be dead...

You can still be civil, friendly even should you separate, divorce. It doesn't have to look like how it looks in a dramatic movie with ugly crying, plate throwing and having lawyers tearing you guys up even more... My wife and I are also children of divorced parents, we are very happy, no complaints, but one thing we know for sure is that we wouldn't do what our parents did, and shit-talk the other parent to their kids like some immature, butthurt moron. Because it's still the kids' other parent we are talking about, making them choose sides and put them in a heartbreaking situation. I think you can separate in a friendly manner, agree on things, and when you have to talk about something around the kiddo, you can do it in a civilised manner. And I know, you don't even know how it would look going forward, especially parenting, but you'd work it out, you'd work out what works for you specifically... But it is ok to be scared of it.

Change is always scary, and it takes courage to admit when something is dead and exit it, because it leads to the unknown.. But reversing it to be a functioning, loving and intimate relationship will be hard work, something you both need to want equally, and you both need some basics to still be there in both of you, just wanting the idea will not make it work forcefully. What do you think about that?

Possibly slightly controversial but to me this sounds like a marriage that needs some work and effort on both sides to find a way back to each other, not one that needs to end.

As much as I agree that desperately unhappy people should not stay together 'for the children', which is awful for all involved, it is much better for children to be raised by two contentedly married parents than parents who are divorced (and remarry, and possibly have more children with other people). If you can by any possibility achieve the former, I think you both owe it to your child to try.

That's leaving aside the fact that marriage is supposed to be a solemn commitment to another person, not something where you throw the towel in because you've drifted away from each other and are a bit bored.

Again, I stress that I do not think either the commitment of marriage or duty to children mean you should stay in something that's making you miserable and you can't find a way through but I do think both are owed a serious, sustained effort at finding your way back to a happy family. Obviously that takes two.

Wishing you the best of luck.

A friend of mine once gave me very wise advice which was: don't make big decisions at times of stress which you wouldn't make at times of calm. Your redundancy, his bereavments - these are major life upheavals. Don;t rush into anything drastic. Let it sit for a while.

I think you have both made a massive step forward having that honest chat. He is grieving friends. That can have much more of a physical and emotional toll than we expect it to - our contemporaries dying is a hige shock to the system. You have changed jobs and are likely entering meno. That's a period of adjustment too.

Without putting any pressure at all on whether or not the marriage should or could last, I'd make a pledge to each other to strengthen your friendship and your family life.
Start taking your child out on fun family outings for at least half a day every week.
Do something each day for each other that is an act of thoughtfulness or kindness or cheer.
Give each other half a day's space each weekend - that will help him strengthen his bonds as a father.

Look for connections: you mentioned something showing how your world views have diverged, but are there things you both want to do: places you both want to see, projects you'd both like to complete and fulfil - from redecorating the living area or redoing your garden, to running a half-marathon, visiting a bucket-list travel place? Just focus for a while on finding as much common ground as you ncan, if only to strengthen your fondness for each other when you do split up, to reassure your DC there is no animosity.

It’s certainly worth trying to create togetherness again and therapy can help you be accountable to actually committing to change.

Counselling works by getting ot the roof of the problem, within the relationship by asking questions and finding out about you and your partners values and mindset within yourselves and towards each other.

I agree with this. Being married for a long time is hard and people change and life has a way of squashing you and feeling pressured. These all affect our marriages.
If you still like each other then maybe try and get it back again.

Just wanted to put the staying together for the kids never works fallacy. It absolutely does if there isn't abuse. Sometimes it works wonderfully, if you are both on the same page x

@LifeSurvior - Sometimes it works = yeah, if both parties are ok at compromising their happiness. If you take the kids out of the equation, and the two people would leave each other in a heartbeat, it is a compromise, no matter how you slice it. Simple as that. Whether it's fear of the unknown, whether it's financial, laziness, shame or whatever, or some other arrangement that they don't separate but see other people, it's all just not taking that evident step. I would highlight though that it is the case if the sole reason two people stay together are the kids themselves. Of course, when they are working on their relationship, trying to save it, it does not apply, that is not what I am talking about.

Thank you for all the thoughtful messages and sorry for not replying sooner, it’s all a bit overwhelming to be honest.

Just to clarify there are no other people involved and no infidelity of any kind.

We’ve agreed to let the dust settle a bit and talk again in a few days. How I feel today is different to how I felt yesterday afternoon, and yesterday morning, and I think we’re mindful of how thoughts and feelings will ebb and flow.

In some ways we’ve consciously been equal parents (he does the drop offs, I do the pick ups, one day at the weekend we split so we each have time “off”, etc.). In reality, this has probably meant that we haven’t created enough space for us to be a couple. I think the biggest question for me now is whether we can come back from that, and whether we actually both want to.

Thanks again for all the posts, lots of really good points for me to reflect on. Thank you.

Don’t be divorce anymore nothing is random God push him in your life with your reason. Sens him her this mesaj and him her change Forever. Iwrite this with my wife Tell your husband wife to read this and he understand and change ForeverI hope you can take a moment to read this with an open heart. I am writing because I care deeply about our relationship and the love we once shared. Lately, I feel that our marriage has become strained, and sometimes we both get caught in patterns that hurt us rather than help us grow together.

I hope you can take a moment to read this with an open heart. I am writing because I care deeply about our relationship and the love we once shared. Lately, I feel that our marriage has become strained, and sometimes we both get caught in patterns that hurt us rather than help us grow together.I want you to know that I still love you and I believe in us. I believe that we can overcome the difficulties and rediscover the joy, trust, and closeness that brought us together in the first place. But for that to happen, we both need to make some changes—starting with understanding each other, listening with empathy, and putting kindness and patience first.I am ready to work on myself, to be more patient, loving, and understanding. And I hope you are willing to do the same. We owe it to ourselves and to the bond we share to make our marriage a safe, happy, and supportive space for both of us.Let’s take a step forward together. Let’s talk openly about our feelings, forgive past mistakes, and rebuild our connection. I truly believe that if we both commit to loving each other in a healthier way, our marriage can be beautiful again.I love you and I want our story to continue, stronger and happier than ever. Let’s promise to be partners not just in name, but in heart, respect, and understanding