Hi. Sorry, just looking for advice. It's a long story.
The middle of last year, I met someone online. She'd just been out of an engagement and was looking again. I had no intention of anything more than friends. After a couple of weeks though, I started to feel something. Around that time her ex fiance attempted to reconnect. She told me they were going to try again, after she gave him an ultimatum. He never met it, and she ended up ending it for good before the deadline.
So we kept talking. One day she called me crying, saying we should just be friends, but me being stubborn, I prodded until she admitted she felt something for me too.
We continued talking. We became best friends, and even more. We connected on an unbelievable level. I hadn't connected this way with someone in almost a decade. At some point, she herself started saying we were "more" than friends. Talked about hopefully being a thing soon.Sometimes to the point of making wedding plans for us.
Then out of the blue, she heard her ex had tried to kill himself.
She said again we should just be friends.
I gave her the space she wanted. It wasn't long, though, before we found ourselves more than that again. Then when it got serious, she'd say we needed to slow down, because she didn't want to jump from one relationship to another.
I acquiesced. I didn't care about timelines, I just knew this was the person I wanted to spend my life with.
Then one day she had a doctor's appointment. As usual I was there (on the phone, doc didn't know but I could overhear). He sexually harassed her.
Things changed after that.
She became more distant, and spent less time talking to me than usual.
After a month, she told me she didn't want anything further with me than friendship, and only thought she wanted more before. She said the thought of being with a man after that made her sick. I tried to accept that, but it hurt.
Then I stumbled upon her posting online about how her fiance had ghosted her just a few days before. I brought it up to her, but she tried to act like she didn't write that, though she admitted it was her account. Then she said she didn't think she could handle a friendship with someone that had a "thing" for her, and that she was "clear" she only wanted a friend and was sorry for "mixed signals."
Eventually I came to the same conclusion, and told her we couldn't handle a friendship, not like we had. At first she was upset, but still tried to reach out and make contact. I wasn't ready for that yet. Later, I found out she was also out sleeping with guys. When I decided I made a mistake, because I still care about her and all that's going on (she has several illnesses in addition to family trouble), she acted cold, and isn't sure she wants my friendship anymore, and still insists guys repulse her.
What do I do?
I care about her more than anything, but the lies and the double talk leave me confused.