AITA

[Whitefigure]

Hi

I’d like to know if I’m unreasonable here.

Im engaged to marry in September this year and whilst we've both got childhood trauma in our past we’ve made it work despite the odd flare up.

My partner upset me in the summer as there was a lot of messaging with her ex on instagram, it was hidden in the shadows and they didn’t follow each other - they did have nicknames for each other and shared a lot of messages and reels - like hundreds. It massively triggered me and the half truths + deceit really got to me as she told me it was one or two messages a month.

Roll forward 6 months and today her male boss pops up for me as a friend suggestion for me, clearly showing that she follows him. In normal circumstances this would be fine but due to the ex thing and her boss being very superior to her - it made me really uncomfortable and we had a big row. We’ve had a blue January and this just topped it as she started following him today when I was particularly low following a CBT session.

any advice?

thank you.

Why are you getting married if there’s no trust? Ynta

Because I love her and I know she loves me. We are just on different pages about this and the timing just seemed hurtful today.

Shes had a full blown EA before you are even married.

Dont get married

And when you do...

Dont drag children into this mess

Why mess?

Because you arent in a healthy stable relationship now.... with close to zero pressure and reams of free time.

If your relationship is in this shit state now try adding in no free time, financial pressure, 24/7 responsibilty, increased household management workload...illness... so much illness... a colicky baby and averaging 5 hrs of sleep for years. My 4 Yr old wakes between 3 and 3.30 am every night.

You dont have a functioning relationshop when its good/ easy.

What its going to look like with a child?

Dont drag a child into this mess.

Advice is.. don’t get married. You aren’t just ‘not on the same page’ she’s been messaging her ex in secret!

Don't get married. By posting on here you know that it's not right.

If my partner was messaging his ex, I’d be his new ex.
Simple as that.
And we have children together and I’d still leave him over it.
She seems to betray you and then make out like it’s a “whoopsie”. She sounds like a dick, sorry.

If you find it upsetting when a social media algorithm suggests that you might know someone that your partner knows, then you do not have the emotional maturity to get married. How old even are you?

Your partner's commitment level is clearly not certain. However people who are capable of a healthy marriage are capable of calmly talking together to agree mutually acceptable boundaries for online behaviours with other people and are then capable of sticking to those agreed boundaries. And if one person can't do that the relationship is over. You and your partner are not going to reach this level of capacity before September so you should postpone the wedding for a couple of years and work on this.

What's that old saying, marry in haste then repent in leisure? Something like that - don't do it, there's no need and obviously no real trust

Run like fuck.

She's shady AF and has almost definitely contemplated cheating on you at best

If she loves you that much she wouldn’t be lying and having an EA but that’s just my opinion. Sometimes love isn’t enough and you need your values and moral code to align with your partners if there’s any chance of making it work.

🤷🏾‍♀️

Thanks so much for your replies. Trust really is an issue here as deep down

Half truths and deceit is no basis for a happy relationship and certainly not for a good marriage OP.