Partner has cheated & I don’t know what to do

[Rubylu]

Yesterday I found out that my partner had been in contact with an ex a year ago, I saw a text off his phone from a friend and confronted him, he said it was nothing they just had an innocent chat etc. i obviously didn’t believe him so I messaged her.

She told me a lot, it wasn’t an innocent chat, they spoke on a few occasions and it was flirty, they were sending old sexual videos of them together.

My partner and I were in a bad place at the time, we were arguing everyday, I tried to end it with him multiple times but we ended up working through it. ( I know this is no excuse). He said he had a moment of madness and he really regrets it, he’s really sorry gave me loads of tears said he’s going to prove that I can trust him, he has never broke my trust before, I’ve always trusted him when it comes to women but my heart is breaking

shortly after this all happened which I was oblivious to I fell pregnant with DS2. I am 7 weeks postpartum and feel like my world is crashing down. I just don’t know what to do for the best, I feel like I should hate him, like I should walk away and not think twice because he’s done this to me but I can’t bring myself to right now, all I want is for him to give me a hug and tell me everything will be okay even though I know deep down it won’t be.

I’ve never been in this position before, where I want to be with someone but I feel like they have made it impossible, I feel hurt, betrayed, heartbroken and I can’t believe he’d do this to our family.

I’m not surprised you feel, betrayed your partner has behaved atrociously. I am sorry you have been hurt in this way, most especially with such a new baby when ideally he should be your absolute rock, instead of being the cause of such distress.

Im not you, but I feel you are going to struggle to trust him again, and as trust is one of the most important foundations in any relationship, what is left?

I’d be making plans to end it, probably not at the moment, wait till you are stronger in all ways, but quietly make plans, as I suspect he’s a serial cheater.

What a shock for you and the last thing you need to be dealing with. I don’t agree that this is necessarily the end though. It was hard to tell from your OP whether the two of them actually met and anything physical happened? What you’ve described is not great at all and is a huge breach of trust but isn’t the same as sleeping together or meeting up behind your back. Also depends a bit on why it stopped… did he realise he was being an idiot and end it? Hugs in the meantime, don’t rush anything

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

Assume you will be a single mum at some point soon, so hang on to your career, make sure you have savings, and don't waste any money.
Is your house owned or rented? If rented, in whose name? Is it a social tenancy? If so, make sure you are named.

Then separately, think about whether you can ever trust him again.

I'm sorry this has come out now, when you are 7 weeks pp and feeling vulnerable. You don't have to make any decisions right now, take your time and concentrate on you and the children. Tell him he can sleep in the spare room or sofa. Make sure he's pulling his weight in the house and with the children while you recuperate. When you're feeling stronger you can decide what you want to do. Do you have support from family and friends?

No they never met or anything, she assured me that nothing physical happened which makes the decision even harder because it’s a breach of trust but I also feel like if it was physical I could cut him off easier

He said he is going to prove you can trust him. Yet his first instinct when he was caught out was to immediately lie about it. You cant trust him

So he hasn’t physically cheated then?

To me such betrayal is in the same catagory as emotional abuse as the impact is the same. Its the lying that you will always wonder about, specially seeing he found it so easy to lie to you and carry on as normal. What else will he lie about? What else would he need to do to you in order for you to call it a day? Where is your benchmark? He is only going to hide it better from you in the future, and it would worry me how easy this comes to him.

He will tell you exactly what you need to hear, and he will say these things to keep you where he needs you, and to keep the things that come with you.

WHat you allow will continue.

Oh sweetie, you know exactly what to do x

His first action was to lie until you spoke to his ex, then he made all sorts of promises that he thinks you want to hear

You're not going to be able to trust him.

He cheated on you by flirting and sending sexual messages and videos. He just didn't get the chance to physically.

Given that you're 7 weeks post partum, this is going to hit even harder. See your GP about screening for PPD. Let your friends and family know you need a lot of support right now because you've found out your partner was sexually contacting his ex.

I would separate in home for now and make it permanent when you are able to. Get paperwork ready to file for child support and talk to a lawyer about custody.

OP you’ve just had a baby. I’m so sorry he’s betrayed you like this.
What do you want to do?
It’s easy for a bunch of randoms to talk about instant separation but they’re not you, aren’t exhausted with a new baby to deal with.
If this is an instant deal breaker for you then it’s cut and dried, so discuss co-parenting and how long he is going to stay to help you.
If it isn’t, then take your time, put yourself and your baby first and see how you feel once life has normalised for you. You have to do anything immediately if you don’t want to, big life changing decisions when you’ve just had a baby are better put on hold until you know where your head is at, having a baby is enough for the moment.
Only you know what you need and want so take your time and make sure that you have a good support network to help you.
You’ll know what you want going forward when this has had time to sink in and your feelings start to stabilise after the shock wears off. Take great care of yourself.

Honestly, with a 7 week old baby I’d say do whatever you want to do right now.
Even if that means blocking it out to get through the postpartum period if it hurts too much.
You might find 6 months down the line you can think more clearly and decide to leave him.
Forgive him if you want to. Throw him out. Just whatever makes your life easier and less painful, just for now.