help me to understand this autistic person

[ScarboroughFairy]

Let's call the person I'm referring to as Alex (False name) Age 25 (true age). They still live at home but refuse to contribute so they can spend all their money on their interests - A particular Anime. They've been told to leave and had to go and live with their dad who is similar. They are obsessed with a particular character that's not real, to an extreme extent, I don't get it. It feels like a waste of a life. I collect something in particular myself, but I don't spend all my money on it then complain I don't have money for anything else like essentials. They spend all their money. Their favourite character is a female, they are obsessed with them and tried to make me into them, telling me to be and dress like them. The female character has a partner, which he dresses as. He always wears the outfit. He collected other outfits to do with the show but those are the only clothes he has and those are just for storage he doesn't wear them and he only wears the same outfit, dressed up as his favourite characters partner. He complains he doesn't have the money for They don't meet their obligations unless it's to do with their interest. Cancelling plans to go to anime conventions. They have a job related to their interest. They collect things to do with it. they refuse to acknowledge they are autistic and get aggressive if anyone tells them they are. He has one friend, and all they do is talk about his interest or they fight. His friend borrowed something of his that he collects and he threatened him. I don't understand what about autism causes these behaviours.

Some people who have autism struggle to see other viewpoints beyond their own. They can become extremely interested in certain things which may seem ridiculous to others but give them a feeling of belonging.
Ideally they will have been guided by their parents when young to try to see things from others perspective but it is a lot of work and sometimes family scripts appeal more, especially if a parent is behaving in a similar manner with no issues raised.

Monotropic interest, spending time and money doing what they enjoy.

Having obsessive interests is pretty common in autistic people. It usually forms part of the diagnosis. If Alex has never had help to balance his interests with other aspects of life, or been taught how to be a good friend/partner, then that could explain where he is now.

I have an autistic DS16. DH and I are constantly teaching/modelling pro-social behaviour, narrating and explaining what we are doing and why. It's second nature now! So DS would never force someone to dress a certain way or participate in something that makes them uncomfortable. He'll say 'is now good time to talk to you about SPECIAL INTEREST?' rather than launching into a monologue when I'm trying to help his brother with homework for instance.

Hyper focus and specialist interests is often a key part of autism. The repetitive nature of it all can be very soothing and grounding in a world that’s often unpredictable and difficult to navigate for someone with autism. (I have autism and my son aged 13 has very severe, complex autism).

You don't understand what about asd makes someone obsessed with particular things?

I understand the soothing and predictable part, but why does it have to be a (pretend) character that he is extremely obsessed with to the point that he neglects everything else and falls out with real people over it.
I am the only person he has in his life besides his dad and 1 friend who 'Alex' has threatened to beat up because Alex thought they wronged him.
If it is very complicated to solve and should have been worked on sooner I think he will always be like this, it is unbearable I don't think I can do it any more

I have autism and am very prone to obsessive interests. Now I’m an older adult I have found online communities to talk to about my interests so I don’t need to bother others in real life. But before I was more aware of my condition/myself etc I used to bore people to tears I’m sure. I cannot tell you how happy talking about my interests makes me. I could do it for hours and hours. Including rehashing the same conversation I’ve had many times before. I buy so much stuff related to it. My house is full of things to do with my interests (TV show) especially my favourite character. One thing I don’t do though is moan I don’t have any money. I’m happy with what I choose to spend my money on even though I’m sure most people would think I’m weird. (I’m also very lucky I married someone similar. Only problem with that is we need to compete for who gets what space for their stuff!)

The pretend character...

Behaves in a predictable way
Doesn't have any expectations of him
Doesn't require him to be considerate of their feelings
Is probably physically attractive (to him!)
Doesn't have feelings/emotions that he struggles to understand
He can conduct a relationship with them in his head, entirely on his terms, in a way that causes him no discomfort or confusion or stress

Real people require a lot more emotional and practical and physical effort.

Maybe?

That makes a lot of sense. I feel really sorry for him when you put it that way

Different brain chemistry. The things that make you feel joy, won't necessarily give them the same feeling, but engaging in a special intrest generates dopamine.

My DC struggles to tell you if they're hungry, hot/cold or even feeling pain, but can tell you every dinosaur fact, because learning and sharing those facts is what make them feel alive.

What exactly are you doing that you can't do any more?

Is there any reason why you can't stop doing it?

There is no support for autistic people. I could really do with some . I keep asking various medical professionals and they usually just shrug. I'm not like Alex but i have got to the point where the slightest stressor sends me into autistic shutdown. When i am like that, i can scarcely eat, can't make any decisions, can't talk to people etc. This can last anything from an afternoon to a week. When i'm in that state all I can do is lie on my bed and listen to music. It's awful. I can'f understand why the NHS has no hep for this.

You can't 'solve' autism.

Are you a female friend he is trying to make dress up as his favourite female character, and only talk about the interest? 😮

Speaking as someone with traits myself, you are under no obligation to continue being his friend.

I agree this may be linked to his autism, but you don't have to agree to this, or compromise.

Just because he wants something you don't have to go along with it. Even if you feel sorry for him. Focus on your own life.

If you're a young solo female friend you don't have enough social authority to fix him.

He sees you as his safe space (or potential partner) and doesn't care about your thoughts or opinions or feelings.

I had a similar friend when younger

Unfortunately it just wasn't possible to continue socialising with her as she was so rigid and obsessive and needed me to continually "compromise".

She wanted me fitting in with her obscure interests and reading the books she was obsessed with (and would get angry if she "tested" me and I hadn't paid attention).

I tried to encourage her to come along on group social events or develop broader interests, but she just wanted me to be her personal "safe space" and I wasn't going to take on that role for her.

Unfortunately her parents had not encouraged her to learn social skills as they were only interested in her having an impressive intellectual career and qualifications.

She even began sabotaging any interests or developing friendships I had that didn't have her as centre of attention.

I have some alternative interests, but I didn't want a life where I had to pretend that I cared about every detail of Dr Who or spend my weekends and holiday time going to sci-fi and fantasy conferences.

If you're in a relationship/trying to be in a relationship with Alex, then it doesn't sound like he can meet your needs, and you can't meet his. You aren't going to make each other happy.

This isn't something you can fix, if he doesn't want to work on it. This is who he is.

Don't feel bad for him not having many friends. That isn't your problem or your responsibility.

I don't get it

I would assume that’s because you aw neurotypical and looking at it all from a different perspective. However, I don’t see why you need to get it to be able to acknowledge some people need/want different things in life and as a result, they aren’t always necessarily compatible for a relationship (platonic or otherwise).

This person has a job ..that's a huge achievement and most probably taking up all of his coping skills , leaving him very little left for anything else demanded of him outside of work .
Don't underestimate the stress he will be under holding a job down ,and doing what the role expects of him, interactions with others , someone dictating what you do ,when you can eat ,when you can leave , scrutiny of the job .
It's all a pressure,and to de-stress he needs to do what grounds him ,what calms him ,what soothes him ,
I imagine having this interest what enables him to coke with his job ..and I'm not at all surprised he can't manage anything else demanded of him

Cope ,not coke

Alex sounds like he’s missed out on the life education mentioned above. There’s no problem with him having special interests but he should have been guided about how to enjoy them with others.

its his mum I feel sorry for. Why is he ‘refusing’ to contribute? I suspect he’s bullied her for years and the easiest thing was to leave him be - hence his immaturity now. You can walk away but his mum can’t. However, she can look for support and either get him out of her house or get help in getting a contribution from him.

As for the dressing up, of course you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to! Say why and keep your message clear and explicit. This will gradually help Alex begin to understand better that other people have their own interests.

When you are autistic real life people are unpredictable, behave in random ways and don't follow a script. Cartoon people don't do any of these things and can be switched off when the observer has had enough.

When did he get diagnosed with autism?

https://www.mcht.nhs.uk/our-services/childrens-services/community-paediatrics-neurodevelopmental-paediatrics/autism-spectrum-disorder-post-diagnosis www.mcht.nhs.uk/our-services/childrens-services/community-paediatrics-neurodevelopmental-paediatrics/autism-spectrum-disorder-post-diagnosis]]]]

autism is a triad of impairments - social communication, social interaction and social imagination.

Exactly this.

I would love it if we could acknowledge here that parents who try to help their autistic kids with social skills are utterly vilified by autistic adults for forcing their children to ‘mask’. And if an autistic adult is not able to have relationships it’s not automatically because their parents didn’t try hard enough to help them develop social skills. The extent to which someone can learn this stuff is variable.

Speaking as a parent to an autistic and demand avoidant child with significant barriers to understanding or even mimicking social reciprocity. If asked to say please or thank you he becomes situationally mute. He may eventually be able to tolerate some normal conversational conventions but I doubt he will ever really get why it’s not OK to insist that other people do exactly what he’s doing, or exactly what he wants them to do.