Help me do dating apps the right way!

[Seymorbutts]

I’m new to OLD and I’m struggling with it. I haven’t dated in 15 years and never online. But I’ve been single for 4 years now and I really would like to find a partner. I’m late 30s and super busy with work & kids, limited social life and not many opportunities to meet people IRL (as in I probably wouldn’t meet anyone without OLD). I think dating apps can be a great thing but the motivation to keep swiping & having the same conversations with people I have no idea whether I’d fancy in real life is just draining and my motivation for it is dying. I live in a highly populated area so get plenty of likes & matches. I don’t spend much time on the liking part, I just scan the first couple of pictures & bios and like all the “maybes” (which is usually everyone). I don’t want to waste time reading the whole profile in case they don’t like me back & there’s no match. If I match with them then I’ll look more in depth at the profile…or unmatch. I’ve got about 10 conversations going but it all just feels very uninspiring. Not the matches fault, totally my fault - some seem to have funny, interesting personalities but I just feel like I can’t be bothered to talk to any of them. Maybe because they’re all people that I genuinely don’t know if I’d be attracted to in real life and I don’t have the time to go on lots of coffee dates to find out. It’s really rare I match with someone where I think I’d definitely be attracted to them physically. I’m probably sounding like a total time wasting OLD nightmare! I don’t want to do that to people obviously but I don’t want to give up on OLD. Or maybe it’s just not for me. It’s started to feel like a chore. People who’ve been doing it a long time, how do you make it work for you? What happens when you just feel totally over it but you still want to find a partner?

Hi :) I was you, late thirties, busy with work and kids, single for 3 and a bit years before I met my DP.

I dabbled in OLD for about 9 months.

Tips:
Dont waste time chatting. 48 hours of chat, arrange a quick day date. Coffee etc. If you both have an interest arrange a second date.

Keep moving as such.

Develop thick skin. Think of everyone as a stranger til at least date 5. People ghost you. Its not about you its about them.

Dont give them too much personal info when you chat. Make sure you are up front about what you are looking for though so as not to waste time.

If you meet someone and they have lied about something on their profile, leave it at that.

Good luck 😊

P.s never rule out RL, I did like you, then unexpectedly met my DP, months after I came off online dating (i like you found the initial chat tedious, but i did meet some nice guys, no horror stories thank goodness!)

Thank you. I think my problem is I see them TOO much as strangers though. And I just can’t be bothered (if I’m honest that’s the reason..I could make time if I wanted to) to meet up with them. I just don’t get any feelings of excitement about it. But maybe that’s cos no one’s come along in the few months I’ve been using it that has made me go “wow I have to meet you!” It’s just all a bit meh. Maybe the problem is me and having been single for so long the dating/attraction/excitement part of my brain has switched off or maybe I’m too fussy. I just feel very disillusioned by it I think. Possibly by men in general! But I don’t want to be alone forever. It’s an annoying place to be!

It's because the dating apps are cold, it's a cold and clinical technology, with boring messaging, lacks all the intricacies of real life interaction. You don't get connections with a profile, that are typically full of the same stereotypes (why does everyone "love a roast"?).

Interesting that someone mentioned 48hrs, perhaps that's why ghosting happens to me on the third day?

I'm also trying the whole OLD thing but with zero success! I'm quite jealous that you actually have guys talking to you and making the effort! I have 'liked' and messaged many men only to be constantly ignored! I'd be proper buzzing if I was you 😆

I was told that Breeze is very good, yet months on the app and not one date!

Yes, usually on “how you’d spend your Sunday” - “long walk with cosy pub roast at the end” 😴 which is obviously a normal way to spend a Sunday and something I do often so therefore why waste space writing it?! Write something more interesting or at least slightly revealing about your personality instead! Also “coffee” under likes. Everyone likes coffee!

It’s quality not quantity though! I’m seriously lacking in the quality department. Not cos there’s anything wrong with them, just no one I ever match with is my type. And on the rare occasion I do match with someone my type they don’t message or don’t reply to my message!

No, the problem is that you are swiping on too many maybes and not reading profiles. Swipe on people you genuinely like and whose profile speaks of the same values as you. Yes, it may be one person a week or a month. But, if you match, you will at least know that they are good on paper.
Wasting time on swiping without discernment is what got you to the burnout place.

What is RA please?

I found it really hard to get excited about profiles and inane chat too, hence why I tried to meet them soon and then you know.
It is good you see them as strangers and that you are cautious. It served me well in that if the odd one ghosted me (and then subsequently came back) it didn't bother me in the slightest and I wasnt desperate enough to be breadcrumbed.

I never had a "wow I have to meet you" but like I said i met some nice guys, I saw someone for a few months, the others were like 3rd date kind of things where either they or me or both of us decided there was no spark.

It is time consuming. When youve worked, sorted the kids, sorted the house, at 8pm I was logging on the app (i used hinge) and for about 9 months i was ok with that. When it started to feel like a drag I came off and did other things with my free time. I was happy single, busy with friends and kids so didn't pressure myself into finding someone. It took me a long time to get to that point tho.

Then when I wasnt looking met someone in RL.

Its good to be fussy. I am/was. I knew I wanted someone to add value to my life, otherwise whats the point?!

RL? Real life:)

This is great advice! Be picky from the start by disregarding any profiles that do not interest you. I recommend looking at the Burned Haystack Dating Method on facebook it gives great advice on how to rule out profiles that show any red flags. It’s better to have one or two quality matches than have dull conversations with loads of men. Get a date in quick to see if there is any interest then move on if not. Be careful of just sticking to your ‘type’ too. Your type has not worked so far so keep an open mind.

Ah I feel your pain, I'm in a very similar situation to yourself. I have been on lots of dates, and I have been sucked in to a lot of the narcisstic types/love bombers. I realised that when I was really 'excited' by someone it was because of their charm, knowing how to speak to women etc. However, I have learnt (slowly and over time) that the ones that I am most excited by have turned out to be the worst. I'm not saying that's the same for everybody. So, I think moving away potentially from your 'type' and not looking for that excitement initally. But I agree - it requires so much effort having the same conversations over and over again, and I have gotten lazy with talking to people as it's so mundane. I would be interesting in hearing where people meet in RL.