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Original poster

Holiday without husband

37 replies

Motnight · 30/01/2026 06:30

I've been invited to go on holiday with 2 friends and one of their husbands. I really want to go.

My husband is not friends with any of them well, although he knows them a little, there's no bad feeling or anything like that. He is also quite unwell (permanent). The holiday is in Italy in August and will involve a fair amount of walking which he can't do. If he came (and from my friends' view that would be fine) he wouldn't be able to do a lot during the day and it would change the whole dynamic of the holiday. If he was going through a particular stage in his illness he would also feel unwell a lot of the time and be in pain whatever he did.

I have come to terms with my DH's illnesses. Our lives have both changed a lot over the last few years as a result. We can't go anywhere where there's more than a minimal amount of walking. And that's ok, he's my husband and I want him to be as comfortable and happy as he can be. But I miss doing things as a result. A couple of years ago we went to Amsterdam and hardly left the hotel and it's immediate area.

I really want to go. DH hasn't said he doesn't actually want me to - he never would. But he definitely isn't happy about it. Even though me going on holiday with my friends wouldn't stop us going away at a different time. He's not engaging about us booking a holiday which we could tomorrow if he showed interest. I've stopped asking him about holidays - spent weeks before Xmas and he just didn't want to know whilst also saying that we should get away somewhere.

His life over the last couple of years has got much smaller. He has lost confidence in going out. I get it, I really do. But I just want to have 5 days of being able to walk and see things and explore and not worry about how long it will be before he has to stop and is in pain.

I have started wondering if I am being selfish.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 30/01/2026 06:32

There’s only one person being selfish here and it’s not you op. Go. Have a wonderful time.

Out of interest op, how is he making his displeasure known?

Chattycatty32 · 30/01/2026 06:42

Definitely go

Original poster
Motnight · 30/01/2026 06:45

Thank you @BitOutOfPractice. He's being curt when I mention it - he's just not usually like that. I'm only mentioning it as the holiday has only just been agreed so there's lots of planning happening.

I think actually I just need to plough ahead and not worry. He did say at one point "so we can't go away then" as if we had a holiday planned on that date already! The irony is that we would never choose to go away in August anyway as it's school holidays and we avoid them (friends are teachers).

OP posts:
BePoisedPlumUser · 30/01/2026 06:48

Go!

PersephoneParlormaid · 30/01/2026 06:49

Please do go and have a wonderful time. Life is too short to not explore and enjoy yourself.
Im in a similar position and I take every opportunity to get away with a friend/relative. Also lots of solo travellers now, and my widowed relative goes on lots of hoildays aimed specifically at older solo travellers.

HygerTyger · 30/01/2026 06:51

You need some fun in your life, don't sacrifice everything for him. i bet you've missed out on so much! You get one life @Motnight

Knitterofcrap · 30/01/2026 07:22

Definitely go.

I have a very good friend whose DH has MS. He’s such a lovely man, and it’s tragic that he has this dreadful illness.

She regularly goes away with groups of friends where she gets to be free of her caring responsibilities for a few days and can swim, walk and party without having to consider his needs.

She also goes away with him and has more limiting holidays as his needs have to be considered. They have done a couple of cruises recently which worked well, just including this as it might work for you?

My advice is to go, but don’t talk about it to him much. Plan some nice things for the two of you but you are entitled to your own time. 💐

MiniCoopers · 30/01/2026 07:32

Go, don’t let him guilt trip you into not going. Plan this trip and also your trip with him and when he makes any comments grey rock them and carry on: he’ll stop soon enough.

muddyford · 30/01/2026 08:12

I would go. My DH has become housebound in the last few years and I struggle to get away at all as I have to sort out care for him. You deserve a nice break.

socks1107 · 30/01/2026 08:18

Go! My dad is carer to my mum and she cannot be left at all, maybe an hour at most. One day your world may get smaller because his needs change so do it while you can

Bonkers1966 · 30/01/2026 08:22

Please just go. If you allow guilt tripping you risk resentment building which can be fatal to a relationship.

tinytinyviolin · 30/01/2026 08:29

You’re not being selfish at all and should definitely go.

You also need to talk to him about how things are and not punishing you for his illness. Having your life completely change is horrendous but none of this is your fault.
It can be done with kindness and compassion.

If he wants a holiday he can plan one with you and if this trip doesn’t stop you two from doing something then great!

If he won’t then it just seems like he wants to stop you from doing things he’s no longer able to.

Myfridgeiscool · 30/01/2026 08:30

Definitely go on that holiday with your friends. I’d also book a trip with him, maybe a train journey: something with little walking but a lot of exploring; a cruise might work well too.

MapleOakPine · 30/01/2026 08:33

Yes, you should go on the trip and also book a separate trip with your DH.

FriendsWithoutBenefits12 · 30/01/2026 08:41

Motnight · 30/01/2026 06:45

Thank you @BitOutOfPractice. He's being curt when I mention it - he's just not usually like that. I'm only mentioning it as the holiday has only just been agreed so there's lots of planning happening.

I think actually I just need to plough ahead and not worry. He did say at one point "so we can't go away then" as if we had a holiday planned on that date already! The irony is that we would never choose to go away in August anyway as it's school holidays and we avoid them (friends are teachers).

I think you're going to have to simply let his peevishness wash over you. I wonder if (some) people who are chronically ill can get quite self absorbed and rather self centred

You can't change him, so just crack on and live your life

Will he need care when you're away?

Miranda65 · 30/01/2026 08:48

Definitely go, but maybe you can also be more proactive in looking for a second holiday which your husband would enjoy.

VikingNorthUtsire · 30/01/2026 08:53

In my marriage I am the one who can no longer walk long distances or have the holidays that I used to love.

My husband is about to go skiing with friends. I am really happy that he gets to enjoy himself but inside it is reminding me of all the things I want to do and can't (and probably never will be able to do again). We've tried to talk about a holiday together, and I really want to book something, but I can't honestly think what sort of holiday I want that would be accessible to me at the moment.

Not saying this is where your husband is at. But try to talk to him about why he's being off. You absolutely should have your holiday with your friends but missing out is probably having quite an impact on him.

LittleMonks11 · 30/01/2026 08:54

Sorry to hear about your H’s illness, it must be hard for both him and you. I can understand how he’s feeling in a way. He might feel he’s going to lose you and sad about his disability. But you must go on the holiday, whilst continuing to plan a break with your H. Keep planning and ignore the grumps. Maybe with some reassurance. It’s important for both of you that you go, particularly if your H’s condition is degenerative.

RichardOnslowRoper · 30/01/2026 09:01

He is the selfish and controlling one.
Don't ask him for permission. Go.
I do not know a single male caregiver who does not go away on holiday.

Goditsmemargaret · 30/01/2026 09:15

I've been in your husband's shoes and honestly I would have preferred my partner just went off and did his own thing. It became so frustrating having to say no I'm too tired, stop asking me all the time.

Book it and go. It's really sad he's sick but you don't know what the future holds for you personally either.

HorrorFan81 · 30/01/2026 09:31

Please please go OP. I spent years very ill from a condition which really restricted my activity levels and my husband had to support me which had a big impact on what he could do and the kind of holidays we could go on. I would have loved him to have the chance to do a trip like that. Also, when we did go away together I fully supported him going out and doing stuff even jf I couldnt leave the hotel - i didnt want him stuck inside with me just because I couldn't manage stuff. You do need to live your life too

TheWildZebra · 30/01/2026 09:32

You must go! But maybe also recognise that he feels sad he can’t oarticipate in these things so well, so if you can afford it, plan something for the two of you where he’s able to get fresh air and sunshine?

mindutopia · 30/01/2026 09:35

It’s fine. I go on holiday without Dh at least once a year. Due to health issues, I also can’t do some things Dh wants to do and frankly would just be bored to tears sitting at the pub or whatever he’d do with his friends when away. We both go away separately all the time. Perfectly normal and healthy.

Original poster
Motnight · 30/01/2026 10:07

Thank you for all the messages.

I do go away for a few days here and there but this holiday seems much more of a big deal. My DH doesn't usually care whatsoever!

Re the posts suggesting a cruise - spent months trying to persuade him for us to try one. He refuses - he's watched a load of YouTube videos about cruises and decided that it's not for him. Very frustrating.

He won't need care in my absence.

I do think that he's sad and frustrated and possibly depressed that he can't do things that he used to be able to do. But at the same time he's not looking for any alternatives if that makes sense. I rely on my friends regarding social events currently and try and go out weekly with them. He's stopped even wanting to go to the cinema which is completely achievable and relatively easy for him. Again he reads or watches film reviews and decides that there's nothing he wants to watch.

OP posts:
savemetoo · 30/01/2026 10:19

He's choosing to shut his life down OP, don't let him do the same for you.

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