Very low - relationship rock bottom

[squishy]

I think it is - don't want to feel like this but DH won't listen. We've been together 11 years, married for nearly 5 and have a gorgeous 19mo DD.

DH didn't work for a long long time after burning out with emotional stress at a job, so all the pressure was on me to pay bills, holidays, everything. He 'worked' from home, but in reality earned pennies most of the time. He didn't do any house work, so we lived in a sh1t tip! It bothered me, but I couldn't be the only one killing myself in the workplace and at home while he sat and watched TV etc - the confrontation of trying to get him to help was awful and then the moody silences too much, so I became very complacent and tried to have rose-tinted-glasses.

When we decided to have a baby, him not working worked well because he would stay at home to care for her - it physically hurt me to have to go back to work when she was 3 and half months old.

I recall coming home from work on a number of occasions in tears, pleading with him to help more with the housework. Trying to get him to understand how much it hurt to leave her and how he wasn't making life easier.

Over a year on and it's the same - he still does very little - although he now works 3 days a week (since recently) - he cooks a meal in the evening, but he won't do anything off his own initiative with the hosue - I can ask nicely, plead, leave lists and he WON't do anything.

He comes to bed at 2-3 in the morning - stays up watching TV or falls asleep on the sofa. He snores so loudly that I have to wear earplugs and STILL get up to DD if she wakes in the early hours.

I have a busy, stressful job but as soon as I walk in the door, I am 'in charge' (although he does cook me a meal on the days when he's not been at work - now twice a week - weekends have never been him). When he's looking after her, he doesn't cook her an evening meal, he defrosts something I've made for her.

Because I go to bed early (as I know I need my sleep) he won't get up early to let me have a lie in - last one was Mother's Day.

I find him repulsive at times - he doesn't care for himself much as well as the house.

I don't know what to do.

I've tried being nice, telling him I don't feel valued, appreciated, equal partnership etc and that I recognsise because I don't want sex he probably feels similar- so I have tried 'bridging' the gap, having sex to see if that prompts reciprocation in him wanting to make me feel better but it doesn't.

He barely holds a conversation with me unless it interests him particularly but I have to hear about his work/hobby etc. He's now earning £300 a week, but has spent £1000 on the credit card and barely paid any of it off (in 2 years, I've managed to half our credit card debt - largely induced by him from £14k to £7k) - our nursery bills have gone up significantly to allow him to go to work but he doesn't pay for them - I have seen a tiny amount of what he's earned in the last 2 months.

In the past, when I said we need to have counselling or I don't know if I can cope anymore, he's just said he won't go to counselling, he's done it before and it "doesn't work".

Whenever I try and raise this ,he either gets defensive and says
a) I was happy to live in a mess before, it never bothered me so why should it now
b) along the lines of he does pull his weight

or he gets angry with me, sulks, gets moody or whatever

or he promises to help more.......but doesn't.

I'm sorry, I've ranted on too long. My IRL friends can't hear this because they have all gone on for long enough about the fact that he does nothing and I should do something about it.

I honestly find myself wondering if I love him anymore and if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But we have such a gorgeous daughter and, apart from being so much harder if I chucked him out (he couldn't cope financially and I would struggle with child care for 2 days a week) I don't want to deprive him of her or vice versa.

He constantly makes me think I'm being unreasonable, and he has got me really doubting myself.

I am rambling - have I gone mad?!?

So he would spend the bill money too? I didn't realise it was so bad, sorry. I would be very angry with him by now. Irresponsible is a word that springs to mind.

His life is chaotic and he is depressed. Do you want to help support him get his life back on track, or do you want to give up on him?

If he won't co-operate in attempts to get his life back on track (eg an assessment from his GP for depression) then yes, give up on him, is my answer. I spent 24 years with one of those. He still won't recognise there's anything wrong, and I'm the one on antidepressants! I deeply resent the wasted decades. Get help or get out, is the bottom line.

Is he currently being treated for depression? Because it sounds like he needs some pretty major intervention if he is barely looking after himself.
First things first - get him down to the docs. Then hire a cleaner using some of the child benefit money, it will be one less thing to argue about.
Then a trip to relate.
You can't go on like this, either of you.

YeahBut very succinctly put, I can only second what you say. Really, those are the steps you MUST take.

Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time squishy. Sadly I don't have any answers, I just wanted to say that your post really rang some bells in my head. I feel like I'm in a very similar position with DP (except he's a student and I'm being a full time mum while on maternity leave). It's really tough when you start to lose respect for them isn't it? He seems to think this is just a tough phase and that everything will be back to normal once he's finished his course and I'm back at work but I'm not so sure. I suspect that I'll never look at him in the same way again after the number of times that he's let me down and made me feel like I'm a single mum to a baby and a slovenly teenager.
I like some of the suggestions on here. I might try the rota when he's finished the course. I might also try the 3 things we each want to change approach.
Good luck. I hope you get it sorted one way or the other.

Thanks for the support. Yesterday afternoon, I took the adult approach (technique I learned in counselling years ago - someone has to!) and persisted through defensiveness and breathed deeply. Knew message was eventually sinking in when the TV got muted and I received eye contact.

He acknowledged much of it, said he felt I have distanced myself from him as well (which I hadn't realised but probably have).

We have decided that we will both try and be 'nicer' to each other as we've had blips in the past but have come through them by spending quality time with each other (not just in bed! he realises it'll take time before I'm ju,ping that hurdle again) and he has agreed that I can do a list of house tasks that need doing daily, weekly, monthly etc and we will both tick off 2 per day on days when we're not working and 1 per day on days when we are working.

I feel much more positive - although I've been here before, I just need to make sure I monitor it and maintain the energy to keep it going.

Fingers crossed, am optimistic now, much better than yesterday, thanks x

While it is not going to solve your problems, he sounds really depressed - I second what a couple of other posters have said. He needs to see a doctor as a starting point in my non-medical-professional opinion....

Thanks - to answer some questions - he won't see a GP, won't go to a counsellor etc. I thought for ages he was depressed and tried to get him support, but you can only lead the horse to water.

Someone asked if I worked PT, I think - I work FT - 9 hours a day 4 days a week and then 1/2 a day (although it invariably becomes a full day) from home while I look after DD.

He's started to do the odd tiny thing that I mentioned, which is a start as it was the accumulation of a load of tiny things that was driving me nuts

Morning Squishy,

You really have a lot on your plate and it's good that he's sat up and listened to you yesterday.

As other poster's have said he really does sound very depressed.

When he left his job after being 'burnt' out, did he seek any help or just struggle on his own? It sounds like things have never moved on from then and he's going round in a circle of depression and lethargy.

I really hope you can work it out, it sounds like that's what you want, but at the end of the day YOUR long term happiness is paramount too. He needs to change an awful lot from what you have said, because you don't want to be burnt out either.

Anyway I have a lot of admiration for you and you sound like a strong and lovely mum to your dd, they are both lucky to have you!

Keep us posted how things work out love xxx

He can't help being depressed, but he can help not getting any help for it. If you issued an ultimatum (i.e. go to the doctor, or we split up), would he seriously not go to the doctor?

Thanks minnidot, your post made me feel very warm and fuzzy....

Littlewoman, I couldn't issue that ultimatum - I don't believe in anti-depressants and I do believe someone can only benefit from counselling if they believe it is of value. He had some bad experiences in the past when he was trying to seek help (yes, from the original trigger) - since then I've helped him overcome almost total agoraphobia when we didn't go out for years - the number of friends' weddings I missed because he bottled it at the last minute. He's better now and does go out to work, and does shower/clean his teeth etc before working - just not much other than that - that says more to me about our relationship/me than it does about the way he feels about himself....