My pregnant (ex-)girlfriend no longer loves me and broke up with me. Looking for opinions.

[DadIsWaiting]

Hello everyone — sorry for the long post.

I’m writing because over the past few weeks I’ve completely lost the ground beneath my feet, and I honestly want to know whether other women have experienced something like this during pregnancy — or whether I need to slowly accept that this is permanently over for us.

My partner (29) and I (36) have been together for over 11 years. We’re expecting our first child and we’re currently at 34 weeks. She’s been on work restrictions/medical leave since then. Early in the pregnancy she often felt unwell, spent a lot of time in bed and sleeping, and I took over quite a bit — I cared for her and got her whatever she needed. We were emotionally very close. She repeatedly told me that she loved me and how excited she was for the baby. Whenever she felt able to, and after we found out the sex, she would shop for baby clothes and was genuinely happy and excited.

As she started feeling better, she spent more time on the PC again and later returned to gaming/online life (that’s actually how we met back then). For quite a while after that, we were still very close. We had a very active sex life and tried a lot of things — always with the focus that both of us would enjoy it and reach orgasm.

Then the break happened (mid/late November): she met someone online (from another country, roughly 1,300 km away as the crow flies). Since then she has gradually become colder toward me, step by step. She said that what she feels with him is “new and exciting,” and that she’s confused about whether it’s just a crush or something more. At the same time, she says her feelings for me are more platonic, and that our relationship hasn’t felt the same for a longer time. She never expressed any of this before — but now she’s convinced it must have been true, because otherwise she “couldn’t have developed a crush” on someone else.

What makes it even harder: since then she seems extremely emotionally unstable and inconsistent. Sometimes she’s angry, irritable, and rejecting — then she gets sentimental, thinks about her childhood, sends baby videos, talks about the baby, plans little things — and in the next moment she’s ice-cold again or emotionally “gone.” Physical closeness is difficult; sometimes it works briefly, but as soon as it gets emotionally “too close,” she shuts down. On top of that, she has strong fears (about birth and becoming a mother), a worryingly low self-esteem, and what seems like a difficult childhood — at least that’s how it looks from my perspective.

After an argument, we’ve been basically separated since early January, but we still live together (because of the pregnancy and reality). Most of the time we stay in separate rooms — except when sleeping, because we still share a bed.

And this is what is tearing me apart: on the one hand she still relies on me in everyday life and messages me a lot, but emotionally it feels like I’ve become some kind of “safe base,” while her romantic feelings are directed elsewhere. Sometimes she talks about “if we end up living separately…” as if it’s already decided — and then she says again, “we’ll see what happens, nothing is decided,” or “maybe it’s all just pregnancy stress.”

To be honest: for a while I was at the end of my rope. I slept badly, somehow functioned during the day, and in the evenings everything would crash down on me. I’m doing a bit better now, because I’m getting therapeutic support and I’m taking an antidepressant, among other things. I want to be there for my child, and I don’t want to beg or control her — but I’m also afraid of sacrificing myself completely and ending up losing everything anyway.

On top of that, since this week we have to be even more careful because her cervix has already opened a bit, and we were told to take it easy — even though from this point on they generally wouldn’t try to stop labor anymore.

So my questions to you — especially to women who have been pregnant or are pregnant right now:

• Can hormones/pregnancy stress/anxiety really be so strong that love feels like it “disappears” or completely flips?

• Has anyone experienced becoming suddenly emotionally distant during pregnancy — or even getting fixated on someone else — and then things became clearer/different after birth?

• Can it happen that, looking back, you try to explain changed feelings during pregnancy and end up “inventing false facts” to make it fit?

• Or is this usually a sign that the relationship is basically already over and pregnancy just accelerated it?

• How should I approach her and treat her while we’re also becoming parents?

I’m not looking for someone to blame. I’m looking for orientation — and for an honest answer about whether I’m allowed to have hope, or whether I should start preparing myself emotionally for a permanent separation.

Very hard for you. I would make clear the boundary between you so she realises she is losing you. Some people feel a need to reject those closest to them because deep down they feel themselves unloveable so expect to be rejected eventually. Im sure your therapist is helping you to understand possible scenarios. I would think it makes sense to have sime separate finances as part of the gradual separation. Pregnancy hormones do affect emotions hugely. So sorry that you are experiencing this . There will be some joyful moments when the baby isborn and you are a father.

I wish she would allow any help from the outside.
I asked her to tell the midwife or Gyn about how her feelings shifted as well as her behaviour. It's not just about me, it's about hating things she loved and loving things she hated or never wanted to try.
But sadly, she doesn't really see the problem and says thats my 'point of view because I'm jealous'.

Anyway, you are totally right, right now I will focus on pregnancy, support and health.

The ultimatum is the first year of the baby and I'm giving that much time just for her, but for the baby to have some time with both parents to bond before she will be taken care of 50/50 by both of us in different places.

Thats something I was told in therapy, that there is a possibility of her feeling unworthy and that seeking a less close relationship with no expectations and no downsides (as talking and gaming mostly leads to serotonin which a pregnant body lacks).
There was some time, when she broke up with me, where she told me, she isn't good enough for me anyway and doesn't deserve someone so loving and caring.
Maybe the joy of being parents will wash all of that away but I try to be prepared for both scenarios.

Nope nope I would not be sharing a bed at all with this person. Guarantee this has been going on for a lot longer than you think and still is half the time you won't see. Nothing to do with pregnancy at all I've had 8 never ever once did I wish to talk to other men I love my hubby plain and simple. She's playing games keeping you hanging just incase the other or others break off. That's what's playing with your MH

I agree with this. I don’t think she is emotionally ready for a baby and has outgrown your relationship. Or maybe she swings between two opposite ends of the spectrum. Hence her being like her younger self and having an EA. I personally think your relationship won’t last and you should separate and get set up for co parenting. It’s highly unlikely the other relationship will go anywhere though.

Words are cheap. Do you want to wait for her to change with or without therapy or not? She’s playing with you. If she was emotionally mature none of this would be happening.

My plan is to focus on the baby once it's born. Stay with the mother and the baby for bonding, but move out once the baby turns 1 and is more likely able to be in different homes.
The relationship thing is something that's a side thing. I kinda want to see where it's going while maintaining an emotional distance.

If I understand your posts correctly, you were 25 and started dating a vulnerable 18 (17?) year old with a gaming addiction?
obviously she has self esteem issues and other issues that I suppose are coming more to light now and obviously it’s not working. She was basically a child when you got together, already with significant issues.

you don’t have to accept her behaviour in a relationship but I would try to support her in her pregnancy and dealing with her addiction if she has one. You should prioritise what is best for the baby, not either of you now. If that is supporting its mother, and being civil together that’s what you should do.

I kinda want to see where it's going while maintaining an emotional distance.
this is a very immature approach. You’re going to be a parent. She is going to be a mum. There will be an innocent child. Now is not the time to ‘kinda see where it’s going’
make it work, or don’t. Shit or get off the pot.

You know what?

Just concentrate on being a good dad.

However, if she's talking to randos online on the other side of the world and has the means to pay for an plane ticket I'd be making sure she can't take the baby outside the country without permission (once it's born).

I have to explain a bit more in depth.

When we met each other, we were fairly new to online gaming, she was 18 and 4 months old and I was approaching the 25.
We fell in love, moved in together like a year later.

That's when we both somehow lost control over our lives, we both sat together and played a lot, paying for our bills with borrowed money.
It took quite some time to get away from the addiction and into live. We started working and are now looking at good jobs, a good income and have saved a great amount so far - we are financially more than stable.

As I know that both of us had this addiction, it's my fear for her to fall back into it - because she is in quite the same spot. Now allowed to work (but still getting her salary), at home 24/7 and with no real daily structure.

What I didn't know about until like 1-3 years in us living together was how her childhood went. Alcoholic mum, who blamed her for how she looks, how she behaves and her existence to some degree. Her older brother was always the mothers favorite, although he was abusive against the mother.

Sorry if that's immature, I never saw it that way. My idea is to keep the focus on the baby and being a father, trying to keep a peaceful environment and also do my job well.
The relationship is 4th priority and I have to see, how she develops to know, how to move on - especially for the child.

That's something I already took care of, she can't take the baby with her into any other country without my permission. That's what helps keeping me quite calm about that part.

As for being a good dad: I read a lot of guides, I watch videos, ask any question I have when we have an appointment with the midwife or Gyn.

Yesterday evening, quite a lot still happened—really just from us randomly messaging each other.

We texted again tonight, and at some point I thought—since we talked a lot about planning today—I’d ask her how she imagines this working: whether that guy would take a German course, or whether he’s supposed to speak English with our daughter, which I wouldn’t think is a good idea.

Then it also came up whether she would actually meet him at some point. It went back and forth a bit, but nothing too crazy at first.
At one point I said that I would move out at the latest if she met him. She replied: “So meeting him means you’re moving out? What if we met in a few weeks?” I said I’d move out soon then, and she replied: “Fine, then start looking for a new apartment.” I followed up with “Because you want to meet soon?” and she just said “maybe,” and shortly after that: “Well of course I want to meet him—am I supposed to drag this out forever? It’s torture for me too not knowing whether it’ll work or not.”

For me, that was the point to pull the emergency brake. There is absolutely no future with this woman anymore—she’s completely trapped in this love craze and her rose-colored glasses. Now it’s only about getting what I’m entitled to, and also, if necessary, protecting my child from a woman whose first thought isn’t about the child, but about some stranger.

At least I’m reading this from her as a threat if I were to move out: “If the bonding then isn’t there with you, well, not my problem, right?”
I’m staying with my parents for now and will remain here for the time being. And I told her we need to go to some counseling soon - to the parenting counseling center - so we can put a 50/50 shared-care arrangement in writing with their help. I’m not giving up a single second with my daughter.

From my perspective, this “ex-back” thing has failed—also because after all those words I probably can’t ever rebuild a real bond with her again. Simply because with every second man I’d think she’d leave me for him.
Now it’s about healing, forgetting, and being a father. A time of loneliness when it comes to romantic love, but also a time in which my heart will be filled in other ways.

Today I went back there once more—to get some clothes, and because we needed to clarify what happens in the event of a sudden birth. I took the laptop and wrote some things down, including:

• She allows me to be present at the birth, as well as at OB/GYN appointments.
• Contact only for organizational matters and the child, or in case of illness.
• We will legally set up 50/50 care (she doesn’t know that I’m going to get the ball rolling beforehand).
• For bonding purposes, we will live as roommates for an indefinite period of time, be on equal footing, have a clear roommate plan, and refrain from any comments about each other’s personal lives.
• We will reassess the situation on the first Sunday of every month.

In addition, there are a few points about a complete physical separation, but we’ll only work those out in detail once the reassessment shows that it’s time to start looking for an apartment.

Once again, though, I had the feeling she keeps switching between being very clear, confused, and sad.
On the one hand she talked very clearly about how she obviously wouldn’t want to live under one roof with a potential new partner and me—but also that she would want to have at least a year of long-distance relationship before moving in together would even be on the table.

When it came to her being alone yesterday, overnight, today, and for the coming week (at least), she cried—saying it isn’t easy because everything feels so strange.

Then at one point she said: “Imagine we write all this down now, everything goes back to normal, we’re together again, and in a year we read the list. What we’d think about ourselves.” I said: “That’s not going to happen, so we don’t need to worry about it,” and she replied: “Yes, I know, the door is closed—and I could never do that to you again. I understand.” And I’m thinking: Is she completely confused, or is that her gallows humor?

In between she also said something like: “Why are we only talking about this now?” and I said: “You always said, ‘Let’s just wait and see,’ or ‘it’s not decided yet.’”
She went quiet for a moment, then said softly: “Because I don’t know. Because I’m scared. It’s hard to imagine life like that—because the door is closed,” and she started crying hard, but then pulled herself together again.
After that she was able to talk again about what it would be like if the Estonian guy were to live with her in Germany—saying she would make sure he can handle being around our daughter, otherwise he’d be out anyway, etc.

In between, she even said at one point, ‘Or we could try again after the birth until it just really doesn’t work anymore,’ but I brushed that off at first.

I’m not letting her words lull me anymore, but honestly I’m genuinely worried about this woman’s mental state. Not as a man who still loves her, not as the father of our child, but simply as a human being—someone who has seen her deepest lows and highest highs.

Don’t be divorce anymore nothing is random God push him in your life with your reason. Sens him her this mesaj and him her change Forever. Iwrite this with my wife Tell your husband wife to read this and he understand and change ForeverI hope you can take a moment to read this with an open heart. I am writing because I care deeply about our relationship and the love we once shared. Lately, I feel that our marriage has become strained, and sometimes we both get caught in patterns that hurt us rather than help us grow together.

I hope you can take a moment to read this with an open heart. I am writing because I care deeply about our relationship and the love we once shared. Lately, I feel that our marriage has become strained, and sometimes we both get caught in patterns that hurt us rather than help us grow together.I want you to know that I still love you and I believe in us. I believe that we can overcome the difficulties and rediscover the joy, trust, and closeness that brought us together in the first place. But for that to happen, we both need to make some changes—starting with understanding each other, listening with empathy, and putting kindness and patience first.I am ready to work on myself, to be more patient, loving, and understanding. And I hope you are willing to do the same. We owe it to ourselves and to the bond we share to make our marriage a safe, happy, and supportive space for both of us.Let’s take a step forward together. Let’s talk openly about our feelings, forgive past mistakes, and rebuild our connection. I truly believe that if we both commit to loving each other in a healthier way, our marriage can be beautiful again.I love you and I want our story to continue, stronger and happier than ever. Let’s promise to be partners not just in name, but in heart, respect, and understanding

To answer the following bit…..

• “Can hormones/pregnancy stress/anxiety really be so strong that love feels like it “disappears” or completely flips?

I’d say a big yes. The reason for this is that my partner had moved back in with her dad, about 200 miles away as I was continually bailing her out financially (which didn’t bother me, we all go through hard times) and she didn’t like this. After she moved back home, it was then that she discovered she was pregnant. It was exciting at first, then she went cold on me and ghosted me during the pregnancy but said I could be there at the birth. I did everything I could but not once did she answer the phone or respond to a text / email. I went on a stag do one Saturday night and one of the guys I met told me about his wife, chucked him out the house and went nuts. This is obviously one side of the story but his conclusion was that after the birth she apologised and didn’t really understand what had happened. This gave me some hope!!

after my son was born, his mother continued to be nasty / inconsiderate towards me. I did a Round trip of 6 hours every Sunday for a year to spend time with him but eventually got ‘custody’. During this time I had a court sanctioned DNA test and very sadly, I had to return him as I discovered he wasn’t mine. While a casual meeting on a stag do gave me some hope that things may return to how they were previously, her behaviour was because she knew full well he wasn’t mine and had continually pushed me away in hope that I wouldn’t return. Despite being thick skinned and not allowing her disgusting behaviour towards me to discourage me from being a dad to ‘our son’, I found out the hard way. I’m not suggesting your story will turn out like mine, but I went from being blissfully happy to completely destroyed in no time at all, all because of a lie.

First of all: I am so, so sorry to hear that and I really hope that life has better things to offer for you.
You seem to be a great guy and you deserve the best.

As for what the guy the stag do told you, that at least gives me some hope, even if hope is quite possibly the worst feeling I should have or accept while trying to accept that it's over and that she loves another guy. But to some degree, we all are just full of hopes, aren't we?

Wanted to share an update:

A few days ago, after we had been working on the house for a while, we talked, and the conversation shifted to childbirth and what comes afterward.

She told me she has been experiencing severe anxiety about giving birth, especially the pain.
She also said that if she could choose, she would be 60–70% in favor of not being pregnant and only 30–40% in favor of being pregnant.
She added that while she doesn’t regret being pregnant, she doesn’t feel like it’s the best thing for her. She’s also struggling with the loss of her freedom and her sense of identity as a woman.

What I find especially interesting is that these thoughts have been in her head for the past 2–3 months—coincidentally the exact same period when she fell in love with the other guy and broke up with me.

The midwife now knows about the breakup, and I also told her about the unusual feelings and behavior my ex shared with me.

I’d really appreciate any thoughts or input from you all.

I think you need to take a step back from it now really and let her work through things, or not, with the professionals who can offer support to her if she chooses to take it.

I think lots of women become terrified of childbirth- I certainly did with both of my pregnancies- and I do think to an extent you start to worry about becoming a mum towards the end.

All you can do really is hope she allows you to be at the birth if you want to be, hope she engages with any relevant support if she is struggling mentally, be there to support her and your child in whatever form that may take.

Yeah that's true, I'm just afraid of not only losing her love but out child losing her as a mum, if she is really struggling mentally.
She doesn't accept any help or at least says she can ask for help after birth, if needed.

She allows me to be at birth, she told me several times. She also told me several times, she believes I will be an amazing dad - but not once did she say she can/will be a good mum.