Will it ever get better? So confused and stuck

[PostPartum8990]

Long story as short as possible, we have been together 12 years, 2 young children. Young when we got together and as we got older I noticed he could be mean to me.
He tells me it’s my tone of voice that sparks his response. I tell him that it’s because I have to constantly tell him the same thing over. He often claims I haven’t told him something when I know I have and it makes me question myself.

Very critical of me. Had a sickness bug on Sunday and I was so unwell, could barely move. He thought I was exaggerating. Didn’t offer me water, medication, food etc. He then got it the following day and realised how bad it was. I catered to him to make sure he was okay.

I have been to therapy to better myself. He won’t go and won’t have relationship counselling as his parents had it and he saw no difference and he said I will exaggerate things to make him look bad. I’ve been to therapy, to try and work on myself and change and make our relationship better. He asks me “how have you changed since therapy?” Or “what do you do differently?”

He said tonight he doesn’t like many of my friends. He will stay out of their way if they come over if he isn’t keen on them.
I have a good group of friends in different friendship groups and I like to go out when I can. If I make friends plans for 2 weekends on the trot he makes comments which he says is a joke like “single dad” or “going out 2 weekends in a row” which in turn makes me feel guilty.

I encourage him to make plans with his friends, take up a hobby etc. but he always comes up with excuses.

I don’t usually get much affection from him or compliments and when I say “do I look nice?” He says I’m fishing for compliments.

On the flip side, he will occasionally say nice things if I have done well at work. He helps a lot financially too. We can have banter and fun.

BUT he’s just very negative and seems to take issue with everything I do. I’ve become resentful toward him and can’t shift it.

Can our relationship improve? Anyone else been in similar relationship?

Resentment signals this relationship is no longer tolerable. There’s no way in hell I’d have catered to him. You’ve done enough. Start treating him the way he treats you.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He targeted you when you were much younger because he saw you as easier to control and manipulate. Your man is a walking red flag and your component or garden abuser. All your words here describe an abusive relationship.

What is your situation re the finances and property?. Are you married?.

Plan your exit from this abusive relationship with due date and attention before you and in turn your kids are further affected by his abuse of you. This is no model of a relationship for they to be seeing.

What he is showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous one. He’s even used the tone of your voice against you: again you have never driven him to abuse you, it’s been his choice to do that and he thinks he’s doing nothing wrong here re you. You went to therapy when he is the abuser, he’s done a right number on you here.

Women’s Aid could be of great help to you. Do contact them. Do you have reliable family support?.

The thing that worries me here is one of your 'flip side ' points, 'he helps a lot financially too' - helps? No shared budgets and savings? Is it on you to pay for everything? Not married? I ask because financial control often goes with bad behaviour like this.

yes - it did for me. in fact it was one of the biggest issues but I couldnt see it at the tiem

In short: no, it can't just get better. Waiting for time to just make it better, or waiting on him to change is not going to bring you what you wish. The only way for things to get better is for both people in the relationship agree, and they head towards the same direction together. One person wishing for a change means nothing. If he refuses to see that there is an issue (ironic, because if your partner says they are unhappy, that itself is an issue worth exploring...)
The 'not liking many of my friends' - part on its own would be ok, as I think that should be allowed. The two people in the relationship are not the exact same people, so it makes sense if they don't gravitate towards the same people, either.
However, there are multiple times where you pointed out how he diminishes your side of things by saying "you are exaggerating". Unfortunately for him, when he is being dismissive or downright negative about you, it is the action of a pretty excuse of a partner.
The biggest problem is that you articulated resentment. That is deeper than a simple frustration or annoyance, being mad, even. I rarely if ever seen it disappear for people who develop it.
If you ask yourself honestly, would you like to stay in this relationship? Not talking about convenience, financial side, etc.. Your heart. Would you like to work (with him, together) to make it better? I personally am not sure how much of a future I would see in my marriage if there was resentment...and a strong dismissiveness about my feelings from my wife..

@AttilaTheMeerkat I am struggling to see it being abusive. Maybe it’s my fault and it’s just toxic?

We have a home which is mortgaged. He earns more so puts more into the joint account to cover bills. He has a lot more savings than me but he does say it’s our money. He does tell me not to put so much in. That’s where I can’t fault him.

Where I struggle is the emotional side of things. Lack of care, understanding, empathy. I try to get an ounce of attention from him, but never do.

He wasn’t always like this. We used to have fun. It’s since life became too serious. He has his own business and spends a lot of time dedicated to that.

We aren’t married, engaged. He isn’t fussed on marriage and is only doing it for me for legality etc.

@Summerhillsquare no we split bills and he pays more into joint account as he earns more. Can’t fault him there. Just the emotional side of things that are awful

@exhaustDAD its as if he wants me to just be quiet and get on with it even though I’ve expressed my concerns and how I’m not happy.

I don’t like feeling resentment and I’m worried it won’t go away, as you said you have seen it in others and it’s not gone away.

I want nothing more than to make it work. I don’t want my children to be from a “broken home” and spend their time between homes. It wasn’t always like this, and I just want it to go back to how it was. It makes me so sad inside.

I get what you are saying, it makes sense...The concern is that even if you are willing to work on making it work, one half is not enough, he needs to acknowledge it, and take part, he needs to want to make things better for yourselves, you alone will not be able to. It will only make the resentment grow in the end.
One thing to point out though - I also get that you don't want the children to come from "broken homes", but just because you don't wish for that to happen, it might still be a lesser of two evils.. coming from a broken home is better than coming from a home where parents resent each other, fight. Parents often don't realise this, but kids absorb that, they know, they build it into their sub-conscious. "Staying together for the kids" never works. Not for the parents, and certainly not for the kids.

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one.

You are not married to him so that leaves you more vulnerable in a legal sense.

This is who he is and he is not going to change. You cannot make what is perhaps a failed relationship work here on your own.

Would you want your child to be with such a man as an adult?. Someone who treated her like a child and told her off like you are by your man for making two sandwiches instead of one?. You would perhaps say no and frankly speaking you also deserve better.

You have a choice re this man and your child does not.

Tell him it's counselling or separation.

If you're planning on staying at least for a while then marry him ASAP, you don't want to be left fighting if you split later