Another MIL one

[Hedgehogdetective]

I’ve posted in the past about issues with my in laws. I can’t really move past things.

Last year MIL only messaged me once to wish me a happy birthday and didn’t reach out to me at all other than that. No merry Christmas etc. My SIL had a baby and she only messaged my husband about it. I used to visit her more often but she sits in silence and doesn’t say one word to me. I know some people would prefer this over a mean MIL, but for me it is really hurtful because I don’t have a relationship with my own mum. So it feels like a double rejection.

for Christmas I got her a personalised gift and my husband took the presents to her and she didn’t get in touch to say thank you.

I felt really upset around Christmas time because we usually go to her house but there was no invite this year. As I said she only messaged me once this year.

i tried to make the effort but I gave up because I feel like I shouldn’t be the one putting in 100% while she doesn’t try.

its also hurtful because at her house she put lots of photos up of family and there aren’t any of me. She put up photos of my child (ones I sent to her because she hasn’t taken a single photo of her) and it feels like I’m not part of the family.

i know if I were to reach out and ask if everything is ok or if I’ve done something wrong she’ll say no everything’s fine.

I know I have to accept that the relationship I wish I had with her isn’t going to happen but it feels so painful.

whenever there are family events coming up I just feel so upset thinking about it all. I’ve left the communicating and inviting to my husband.

I just wish I could move on and stop crying about it but because my own mum has rejected me it’s hard to not think it’s me who’s the problem

Sorry OP, this sounds really hard, especially if you have past trauma from your own mum rejecting you. Not reaching out to say thank you for a gift is rude and I understand why you feel excluded from the photos. You are definitely not the problem here, please don't think that!

What is she like with SIL and her child? More involved or the same as with you? And does she sit in silence with other people around, or just with you? And does it feel like she's intentionally giving you the silent treatment, or just like you have nothing to say to each other?

Is there a chance that she is depressed? I ask because I have had some really bad episodes and haven't felt able to reach out to people for very basic things.

Also, did you reach out to her on Christmas? In my culture, the "proper" way to wish a happy Christmas, New Year, etc. is for the younger people to reach out to the older people first - perhaps she was waiting for this? Unless you did message her in which case she should've replied!

I think you should look to counselling or therapy. You have issues around your mum/MIL all related to what you want motherhood to be, and neither woman is meeting your expectations. You're constantly disappointed and upset. This isn't healthy or productive and you need to move on. These are the mother and MIL you have. You can't change that. If you are now thinking you're the problem, I suggest talking therapy before you go too far down that road: maybe you are, maybe you're not. There's no need to assume that you are.

I think therapy would be helpful too - go for a psychotherapy kind of approach rather than CBT.

There a a few things going on that make this difficult - maybe like this list, or maybe more, but up to you to reflect…

1. your MIL not being polite/nice at times - challenge is to accept people as they are and not cultivate relationships where you’re not a good fit (yes, even if they’re family). Therapy can help with the acceptance, but not with changing people! You might have to accept your MIL isn’t a nice person and leave her alone.
2. your grief about your own mum - this is separate to your MIL. It’s not fair to you or her to hope she or anyone else can replace what you never got from your mum. A good therapist can help you identify and process your grief so you don’t project it onto other relationships.
3. you have relational needs (for acknowledgement, attention, love etc) - all totally normal part of being human. The challenge is to be conscious of what you need and to notice who’s capable of creating fulfilling relationships with you and who isn’t. Again therapy can help you work out where you want to put your energy in and why you cling to people who aren’t capable.

PS - don’t get hung up on whether she’s depressed or how she is with other people in her life - none of your business and not a productive thought process. Focus on yourself - how you feel and getting to know yourself and what you need.

It’s a bit ride she doesn’t speak to you, but I wouldn’t worry so much about the others.

I have a great relationship with my in-laws and they only message me happy birthday. I think they assumed the present was from their son’s family and so thanked him in person, which I would assume they would presume he would have passed on. Did they not say thank you when he handed it over?

I definitely wouldn’t expect a separate message from the in-laws about their daughter. They would have told their son and as I’m married to him, he would have shared the info with me. My parents love my husband, but again they wouldn’t share information about my siblings as a separate message to him. They’d assume I would tell him.

Sorry OP but I think you're projecting your feelings of hurt over not having a relationship with your mum onto your MIL. I had a good relationship with my MIL but I wouldn't expect her to message me news, she would ring my DH, her son! I also wouldn't expect her to have pictures of you up in the house, it's normal to have pictures of her children and grandchildren. Maybe you could get some counselling as it seems you have much higher expectations of your MIL than most people would.

You guys are right, I have issues and she sits in silence with everyone but I’m taking it personally