Telling the kids

[DaffodilsSunshine]

Husband and I are splitting up after 20 years. DS are 12 and 10. One is sensitive and shy with his emotions, one is very highly emotional and very inquisitive. 12yr old has already been asking if we are getting a divorce etc so it won’t be a huge shock but still I’m expecting a huge emotional reaction. Best way to tell them and what to say? Ex moving out the weekend after so pretty quick. We decided to split in October and have been living together whilst sorting stuff out. Amicable and no major changes for the kids, apart from 2 houses but staying in the same area. Help! I’m absolutely dreading it. 😥

Also could do with some hand holding! Feeling horrendously guilty for putting the kids through this :-( the split was completely mutual. The relationship had run its course, was solely based on the kids, not loving. Usual situation, resentment build up over last 4 years or so because ex spent most time on his phone, did zero housework (except loading dishwasher) self absorbed and pretty much felt like I was a commodity. But I still feel horrible guilt, like I should have just carried on tolerating it.

Tell them together. Keep it brief and to the point. No blame (which it sounds like there isn’t). Let them know they can ask questions, now or anytime. Make sure you are able to answer practical questions like “what about family holidays, will you both be there?” “Where will the cat/dog/fish live?” “What’s the other house/flat like?” “Am I keeping my bed?” “When will I live there? Will my favourite toy be there?”

Our DC of similar age and v different temperaments both started screaming/crying and ran upstairs. I don’t know how I thought they’d react but we weren’t ready for them moving so quickly that we couldn’t quite finish the conversation.

And, kindly, when you say not much will change for them, it really will so please consider this tough love handhold from someone who has been there.

Living between 2 houses and your parents splitting up is a HUGE change in their lives so please don’t present it as “not much will change” - you need to be honest with yourselves and them that there will be a lot of change but you’ll work through it as a family and even though you aren’t with their dad anymore you will continue to work as a team to support them. You don’t love each other anymore but you’ll both love them and you always will. Be sure to let school know in case they need some support. Also, you need to prepare yourself for not being able to fix how they feel. You will need to be there to listen and respect their feelings. Having two children who process this differently might be very tough so please make sure you have support. Good luck

Thank you that’s helpful. Obviously this is a huge
change for them and I see that, hence I feel sick to my stomach. But what I mean is we have done as much as humanly possible to reduce the amount of change for them. Ie no school moves, no change if village they live in. I will let the schools know also - good idea. I appreciate this is going to tip their worlds upside down and I am too expecting running off crying which will be awful to watch.

Sorry for the difficult time, @DaffodilsSunshine , I know it's tough. Best thing you can do is tell them in a nice, calm setting, together. All of you together. You need to reassure them that it doesn't change anything about how much either you or soon-to-be ex husband love them, it is not about that. But sometimes people realise they need to go separate ways. The two of you need to show that you are - ironically - in agreement and are partners in this. No fingerpointing, no blame-game, from either of you. If you want it hurt them as little as possible, you need to make sure you never belittle or name-call each other to them, that is where parents can hurt their kids a lot when separating.

At the same time, I would like to point out that no parent makes a service to the kid by staying together, so you are doing the right thing. Kids deserve honesty, forcing yourselves to "stay together for the kids" is amongst the silliest things couples sometimes do. It never works, and the kids don't benefit from that. So please give yourself a break, you are doing the right thing..

Thank you, I guess all the anger and resentment that drove me to this point has been replaced by fear of hurting the kids. But deep down I know it wasn’t good for any of us to carry on. It’s always helpful to hear it again so thank you for replying and reassuring me @exhaustDAD

@DaffodilsSunshineWe split for similar reason of relationship having run its course and DC about 1 year older than yours. I would say is there any way your ex-DH can stay in your house for a bit longer? I appreciate that you have both processed it but for the DC this will be a bolt from the blue just hearing it and for him to move out so soon will be another layer.

Ex-DH and I ended up living together for 18 months (Covid hit) and whilst I wouldn’t necessarily recommend that long(!), I do think the DC saw we could be amicable and were both available for the questions and for them to process it and the new future before he moved out.

They are 3 months behind you on the change curve and will need to catch up - giving them time to process it. A slow, smooth transition could help here. I def wouldn’t advocate it where there is DV/shouting etc but in your circumstances it is worth considering?

Good luck as you work through it - we are 6 years on and co-parenting as best we can and more importantly for the DC are still friends.

I agree it will feel super quick to them and I’ve needed the 3 months to process so I absolutely see the benefit to that. Ex wanted a place sorted before telling them and that’s what’s driven it this way.

its so hard to know what to do for the best, there is no shouting etc.

It’s great the place is sorted and you could all visit together and make plans re bedrooms etc but I would slow the actual move until you are happy they’ve asked the Q’s and observed a mutually joined up approach to the transition.

Just my perspective but having spoken subsequently at length with the DC about it, they appreciated the time they had to work through it

I would definitely tell them together and reinforce that you both love them and want to be good parents apart. Whatever you think, the kids will have noticed the atmosphere if there’s resentment and this is affecting them. I don’t think a long time living together helps, everyone needs to process the change and get used to it. Otherwise the kids might think it’s not happening or worry about what ifs that they can’t control.
I took a lot of their familiar things over to their dads flat (we had a larger house in my name not his and duplicates of lots of things that I gave him so it wouldn’t feel too different). But they could choose some new things too which gave him something to do with them.
You both need to share the same messages and reinforce that this may be difficult but it’s for the best. They need to know it’s ok to feel sad or unsure and are able to talk to you.
This was the best decision I ever made but there will be bumps in the road so best of luck.