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Original poster

Tell me the truth (again)

7 replies

Misteeq121 · 27/01/2026 22:23

I posted a couple of days ago about my DH of 18 months who I lost just before Christmas. I’ll post the link:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5480949-please-hold-my-hand-and-tell-me-the-truth?page=1

But basically I found that DH had sent some (fairly innocent) watsapp messages to his exGF of 12 years after we had met 2 years ago and were married. I posted because I started to spiral about what it meant, but after reflecting (and doing a deeper dive into other conversations) I’ve stopped spiralling and know it didn’t mean he loved me any less. It wasn’t about our marriage but more I think because he was (rightly or wrongly) dealing with some unresolved issues from how that relationship ended.

The messages were never delivered as she had blocked him on watsapp in 2023 and he was blocked ever since… up until a day ago.

Just for context, exGF has a DD (20) who DH maintained a very close relationship with right up until he passed and has always treated as a DD.

This brings me to why I’m posting now. I was scrolling through his phone again (because I’ve been dealing with his estate. Also, seeing how he talked about me to people when we met and got married has brought me quite a bit of comfort) and noticed she’s now unblocked him… over a month after his passing.

So, I can now see her profile picture, which is a pic of her and my DH from about 10 years ago. She’s in a skimpy bikini, he’s topless and they look quite cosy.

So my question is would you find this inappropriate and disrespectful? And why would she unblock him now, over a month after his passing, and still, over a month later, have that pic as her profile?

Bear in mind:

  • DH had a very bad spell in January last year where his heart stopped and he had to be brought back. She didn’t unblock him or reach out to him then. As much as I would have disapproved of his ex contacting him, I would have understood/expected it given how important he was to her DD (she basically called him her dad).
  • She’d had him blocked for about three years.
  • The relationship started to deteriorate in 2018.
  • She moved out of his house in 2022.

Appreciate it was a long relationship but AIBU to think WTF are you doing?

OP posts:
Namechange568899542 · 27/01/2026 22:33

Firstly - I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

In terms of your actual post, it’s a tricky one. I can see exactly why you feel the way you do. However, playing devils advocate slightly, I would anticipate that she didn’t expect you to see her WhatsApp picture as she is presumably not a contact of yours, so wasn’t done to be spiteful towards you, you’ve essentially seen it by ‘accident’. I imagine she’s unblocked him because his passing has affected her in some way and she perhaps felt some sudden guilt about having him blocked in her phone when she didn’t really hate him or whatever it may be. I do however think it is generally strange to put up a cosy picture with someone you’ve not been with for years who everyone knows had a new partner though.

Original poster
Misteeq121 · 28/01/2026 00:04

Namechange568899542 · 27/01/2026 22:33

Firstly - I’m so sorry for your loss Flowers

In terms of your actual post, it’s a tricky one. I can see exactly why you feel the way you do. However, playing devils advocate slightly, I would anticipate that she didn’t expect you to see her WhatsApp picture as she is presumably not a contact of yours, so wasn’t done to be spiteful towards you, you’ve essentially seen it by ‘accident’. I imagine she’s unblocked him because his passing has affected her in some way and she perhaps felt some sudden guilt about having him blocked in her phone when she didn’t really hate him or whatever it may be. I do however think it is generally strange to put up a cosy picture with someone you’ve not been with for years who everyone knows had a new partner though.

Thank you for validating my feelings. I did think the unblocking was more to do with guilt/conscience more than anything. It’s mainly the picture I can’t get my head around. It just feels like she’s trying to reclaim him.

OP posts:
MaryElliottMusgrove · 28/01/2026 00:36

My assumption is that the unblocking and the picture are related to her own guilt and unresolved feelings from a relationship that ended badly. Your husband's death is bringing feelings back up for her, and she's mourning in her own way.

And if she is "trying to reclaim him"? He chose you. You can mourn that you didn't get more time with him (and he didn't get more time with you!), but it sounds like he knew that you were the real love of his life.

Catza · 28/01/2026 06:21

Misteeq121 · 28/01/2026 00:04

Thank you for validating my feelings. I did think the unblocking was more to do with guilt/conscience more than anything. It’s mainly the picture I can’t get my head around. It just feels like she’s trying to reclaim him.

Show quote history

Let her. She is a human who lost someone important in her life. She grieves in a way she needs to. It's not personal, it's not done deliberately to spite you. It's just her way to deal with his passing. I know how hard it feels for you but, in a nicest possible way, it is not her responsibility to manage your feelings. It may seem unfair to you but, to her, he was a big part of her life even if it was a long time ago.
A bit of compassion for her can strangely make you feel better. And a lot of compassion for yourself because, to me, it looks like your brain is latching on to minor things to avoid processing a huge trauma of loosing your husband. Look after yourself 🤍

SatelliteSpaceman · 28/01/2026 07:30

MaryElliottMusgrove · 28/01/2026 00:36

My assumption is that the unblocking and the picture are related to her own guilt and unresolved feelings from a relationship that ended badly. Your husband's death is bringing feelings back up for her, and she's mourning in her own way.

And if she is "trying to reclaim him"? He chose you. You can mourn that you didn't get more time with him (and he didn't get more time with you!), but it sounds like he knew that you were the real love of his life.

^^ 100 this - she might well have unresolved feelings about him and his looking back through previous conversations to help deal with them

Original poster
Misteeq121 · 28/01/2026 10:13

I know you’re right. I’ve always been a bit sore that she got some of the best years of his life. His health started deteriorating six months into our marriage and we spent a lot of time managing that. I love him with all my heart but it was hard sometimes. She had at him at his best in life and didn’t appreciate it, at least let me have him in death.

I don’t think she’s done it deliberately to hurt me and she probably doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I just don’t think she should grieve so publicly over someone else’s husband with such an intimate picture.

OP posts:
SatelliteSpaceman · 28/01/2026 17:34

Misteeq121 · 28/01/2026 10:13

I know you’re right. I’ve always been a bit sore that she got some of the best years of his life. His health started deteriorating six months into our marriage and we spent a lot of time managing that. I love him with all my heart but it was hard sometimes. She had at him at his best in life and didn’t appreciate it, at least let me have him in death.

I don’t think she’s done it deliberately to hurt me and she probably doesn’t know I’ve seen it. I just don’t think she should grieve so publicly over someone else’s husband with such an intimate picture.

If you have access to his WhatsApp account, block the account and delete it

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