Dilema - husband job

[Funinthesun212]

Hi all,

My husband is set to 'make it big' financially at work but it would involve him travelling a lot and a possible temporary relocation. I was just about to get back to the workforce and secured a decent role after being out a few years. Not sure what to do as the money seems too good to turn down however very worried about my own career and juggling everything for whole family in his absence. Can anyone advise what they've done here or any advice? Understand it sounds like a first world problem, just thinking of long term repercussions.

Nanny and cleaner, or if they are older, au pair and cleaner.

But it’s not is it - you’re meant to be a team. You need to sit down and discuss all aspects and expectation. What if a child is ill and what level of illness would mean he returns home.

if he has a reluctance or say oh it will all work out - then that means it will all be in you.

personally i consider it important to have my own career and time. Yes outsourcing lots of the household shite will help, but it doesn’t make up for presence.

Go for it and get a PT housekeeper. Can you work PT in your new role?

@Mistymagic77 unfortunately not had explored this option firstly.

As someone currently getting divorced and taking divorce statistics into account, i think you should take the job that you have looked hard to find as you do not know what the future holds for your marriage and you can be damn sure you won't get a fair deal out of his 10x salary in the event of divorce.

Tell your DH that he needs to work out how he is going to facilitate 50% of the child care, housework and life admin at home whilst he is away (assuming your role is full time too). If he can arrange a nanny/ wrap around care & holiday club and a cleaner then you can both take your career opportunities.

Can you hire a PA? potentially a fractional one - fancy word for very part time. You could get one for an hour or so a day to schedule appointments and sort out your joint diaries.

Add in a nanny and a cleaner/housekeeper, gardener, and your meals, housework, garden work and bins are done along with the mental load of dentist appointments and of pick up and drop off logistics.

This. Unless the job is in the Middle East at which point not joining him would be the end of your marriage if MN is anything to go by.

You have both worked hard to reach where you are. You have done amazingly well for securing a role that pays you more than before after having taken 6 years out. It doesn't matter that it still pays less than what your DHs job will, it's your personal achievement and that needs to be valued the same as your DHs. I really think you would regret not at least trying it.

Your DH is basically saying that he is stepping out of parenting from now and you can't rely on him for anything so he will have sort out cover for his missing 50% at home. He can't just say, tough, I'm not taking part.

I am also a divorcee and I really regret not putting my foot down more during my marriage regardning the unbalanced contributions at home when the kids were young. It's difficult to get your head around the fact that one of your kids parents values their career over a functioning family life. Divorce rates are high amongst high earners, future proof yourself as much as you can is my advice.

Our family had the same dilemma, OP, with my DH the high earner although not to the same degree you mention. His job involves being away for roughly 2x 1 week each month.

When my DC were at primary school, I started my dream job that I really wanted and came with an important professional qualification done part-time over three years. I was very lucky to get this. DH was offered his big job when I was about a year into this and he didn't want to turn it down. I knew the money would help us massively but I also didn't want to give up my dream job and professional qualification.

So for the remaining two years we paid for as much help as possible to make our lives easier. We both tried to hold boundaries at weekends and we went on 3-4 holidays each year (long weekends or weeks away). These holidays were brilliant for all of us even though we both took laptops with us last summer and supported each other to work one day. What helped us was my DH batch cooking and filling the freezer periodically, and I got things like laundry and calendars super organised. We bought in childcare, cleaner, gardener and others. Once I got my professional qualification I went part-time and now I do childcare on my days off but otherwise I've kept the rest of the help and my energy goes on having time with the DC.

I do have massive mum guilt. However, that two year period was something I needed - I now have my own financial freedom and feel much more in control of my own life. Personally, I think I would have resented my DH if I'd have had to give my career up to facilitate his. In your shoes, I'd take the job and review at 6m/12m. So much can change in that time, and the kids get older. One day they'll grow up and leave home, your DH will be away with work and it's important that you have something for you too.

Please take the job for yourself and buy in as much help as you can. The kids won't be young forever and you may not get an opportunity like this. And it's not just about the money, it's autonomy, fulfilment etc.

Yes @CherryShiner77 this is part of it the mum guilt that at least one parent should be around. Thank you for the kind workds @Snoken and @Octoberfest yes good reminder.

@Funinthesun212 exactly this. It can be done, and would have to be if your dh upped and left for any other reason.
You getting back into your career is equally important as his opportunity
Outsource whatever you can even if it amounts to all your salary (although dh should be paying half really) .
For all those OPs who talk about 'team' as a reason for you to defer to dh - that is never guaranteed. Secure your own foothold to independence should it ever be needed.

I always think of military wives whose husbands are away for months at a time , or doctors , policemen or women etc with erratic hours . Their partners are probably doing the majority of life admin too . And single working parents do it . Their kids often appreciate the sacrifices when they are old enough to realise .
Absolutely go for your job , you and DH need to get together to talk about the logistics, expectations so everyone is happy to go forward .

Yes @Soonenough I have nothing but admiration for them I think I could go it alone okay (with some help!) but it's throwing the new job into the mix at this time too.

You must always ALWAYS prioritise your career for the unlikely event you divorce/husband loses his job/anything. With your DH’s new salary, I would advise getting a nanny and getting back into the workforce. You will always have the option to leave/reduce hours in the future. But if you don’t take the Job, you may never have the option to return to the workforce after >6yrs.

@Funinthesun212 Did you do an interview for the new job. Take pride in the fact that the employers picked you over other applicants . They were also aware that it was a return to the workplace . Have the confidence in yourself that they seem to have in you. Go for it !

To quote the great Christina Yang “He is not the sun, you are”.

whatever happens, move with, stay behind, work or not, you will be the one facilitating it. Putting everything else aside, do you want this job? Is it likely to come round again? Is this your career moment? If the answer is yes, then figure out how to make it work. It’s good for your children to see you excel in something you love. To see that even though Dad has his BIG JOB (which can happen because you do everything else), mum is successful in her own right.

I say go for it. Take the chance and see what happens. The worst that can happen is you hate it and quit. At least you will have found out

If you can look at is as full time working plus fully single mums do this, without the luxury of another large salary to buy in help, it might help you to see that it can work.
it’ll be tiring, but buy in as much help as possible in order to keep your career and this opportunity that you have right now. If it really doesn’t work for you and/or the children in 6 months, then you can reassess but at least you won’t have turned down the opportunity and be looking back thinking what if.