How do you spot emotional maturity in 30s-40s men when dating?

[CloudyEve]

Hey everyone, I’m back to dating after taking the time to properly get over my last breakup. Not going to lie, it’s a bit grim out there. I’d love to meet someone to actually build a life with, have a laugh, and deal with whatever life throws our way together. I’m big on curiosity and intelligence, total sapiosexual, but emotional maturity matters just as much to me. I meet plenty of clever men, especially through my work, yet I keep running into the same issue. So many of them turn out to be emotionally unavailable or immature.

For those of you who are in solid, happy relationships, or who’ve learned the hard way and are dating again, how do you spot emotional maturity in men aged roughly 30 to 45? Not just intelligence, but actual emotional awareness. I’ll share a few of my own non negotiables in case it helps, even though most of them are probably pretty standard:

• I steer clear of anyone who has only just ended a relationship or is still half in it, no matter how “over it” they say they are. I really believe people need to wrap things up properly, take some time to heal, and then start dating again. The problem is, some people aren’t honest about where they’re at, so I’m curious how others spot the truth.
• I’m instantly put off by men who constantly slag off their exes or diagnose them as toxic or narcissistic. If someone claims all five of his exes were awful, then he’s the common factor. I’m fairly sure I’d end up on that list too.
• heavy drinking, gambling, or any kind of addiction is a hard no for me. I’ve never dated anyone like that and I want to keep it that way. To me, it often goes hand in hand with emotional immaturity and being unavailable.
• being overly tied to their immediate family is another red flag for me. I get on well with my own family, so I’m not anti family at all. But if a grown man needs mum or dad’s approval for every decision, he’s not for me.
• I want to date someone who has a steady income, like I do. It doesn’t need to be flashy or impressive, just stable and secure.
• I’m also done with men who overcompensate through work or achievements. I’ve seen far too much of that. As a sapiosexual I’m often surrounded by workaholics, and most of the time there’s a reason they bury themselves in work. I’m not talking about short term busy periods, those happen.
• I’m not keen on dating someone who is constantly travelling for work or hobbies and never seems to have any time. That one’s probably self explanatory.

I know this list may sound fairly basic, so I’d really love to hear how others assess emotional maturity of a man they've just started seeing. What’s worked for you, and what definitely hasn’t?

Asked DH what Sapiosexual means, he said ‘Attracted to the species sapiens’ ? ‘Eg fancies everybody’ .

@CityBee thanks for the thoughtful response. Will search those books on Amazon.

Which clearly marks him out as someone a sapiosexual would definitely not be attracted to.

I think you’d
need to work on your own emotional intelligence and maturity to recognise it in others.

I'd start by using Burned Haystacks dating method (BHDM) to filter men online or in real-life and the first date or two. You want to be burning the vast majority of profiles as men expose themselves prettty early on, I've found, if you know what you are looking for.

Then, when you find someone without red flags, go on a few dates with them. See if they are consistent in their communication (huge for me), good company, chemistry, the usual thing. Then just keep going. Time is the only way you can find out if someone is fairly emotionally mature- I think you need to see them not only at their best, but further on, when things are difficult, or stressful at work, or they have a friend, relative or you are in need for a little bit.

That's what gives you the confirmation they are the right type of person.

Don't ignore red flags early on as you fancy them, and then watch for the qualities you value as they appear in the short-medium term dating.

You can't just cut to the chase with this, and know immediately. You have to see how they respond also when you get closer- do they run away, start giving mixed messages, or are they consistent and loving. Again, the signs of trouble are usually pretty visible and people just prefer to ignore them or 'give them the benefit of the doubt'. I don't like men who raise their voices, shout or get angry, that's my preference, shouty isn't my thing at all (having been in a quite shouty relationship prior to my current one).

I am not especially emotionally mature myself, I tend to be quite up and down and moody, so I think recognising we all have our faults is also important.

The BHDM Facebook group is great, although I once suggested it on here and someone came to tell me it was all full of highly critical women and this approach didn't work. All I can say is it seems like a good thing to try in the middle of a giant dating shit-show and any help you can get is good. Also read the classic: He's Just Not That Into You, as again, the messages many men are sending are extremely clear, they just aren't being picked up or acted on.

On here every man dating over 40 is single for a reason, useless, the dregs.

every woman dating over 40 is starting their new life free of their useless ex

Imagine the dating awkwardness if you were piltdownosexual.

Based on past experiences, if I was looking for someone to have a relationship with -
Has he had successful, long term relationships in the past? If not, unless he is very shy, there is probably a reason.
See how they react when things don't go their way. Does he sulk? If so, walk away.
Is he proactive with his life?
Is he physically active? I would not choose somebody who is happy to lounge around with a tv and laptop..
Is he brave enough to make new decisions or does he stick to the same old routine because its safe.

I'm not sure how the above reconciles sapiosexual's needs but they would be on my criteria list.