My ill health and lack of support. Do I leave my DH over it? Please help.

[SoConflicted0126]

I have name changed for this and I will try and keep this brief.

I feel like I'm betraying my husband even by typing this out so please be gentle with me as I am so upset and confused by my feelings.

I’ve been with my husband for almost 16 years in total and married for 13 of them. It’s always been a happy marriage, we have probably fought less than a handful of times and he’s a good man and a great dad. Our children are 10 and 7.

The last 6 years of our life had been very difficult with the re-emergence of a chronic health condition that I have which had previously lay dormant for 17 years. As a result of my condition being dormant for so long it had never been a part of mine or my DH’s relationship until it re-appeared 6 years ago. Obviously I had prior experience of living with this condition and all the challenges that come with it, but it’s the first time my DH has ever had to be faced with it. It went from being a condition I had but never featured in our lives at all to then being one that has changed our lives significantly.

Fast forward to now and our lives are very different. I had to give up my career (and regular income obviously) and my husband has had to pick up the slack in lots of ways…. carrying a much heavier financial burden and taking on a lot more of the childcare duties and general “life jobs” that we used to split 50/50. It has really changed the dynamic of our relationship. I’ve gone from having my own level of freedom and independence to now bring reliant on him in so many ways. I miss the person I used to be and the life I used to have - sometimes I don’t even recognise myself anymore.

Amongst it all I have really seen him step up and he has been fantastic, in day to day life he is supportive and caring, he understands my lows, he never makes me feel like a burden and he works so hard to make sure that our life remains safe and stable. I cannot fault him in any way in that regards.

However, when I have my flare up of my condition (usually once every 4-5 months), the way he behaves to me, during and after them is so hurtful. He makes me feel like I’m an annoyance, that having to “deal with me” is a hindrance and he doesn’t hide his irritation with regards to how the knock on effects of my flare ups impact his life. It’s like he wants me to know he is put out by it all but in a very passive aggressive way, for example with huffy comments and eye rolls etc. He shows very little support or compassion, concern or care at all. When I have my events I am terrified and confused, (and it does sometimes end up in A&E presentations or hospital admissions) and the one person I should be able to feel safe with, is the one person who makes me feel awful about it. I have no control over this condition and when I know I’m going to have an episode I fear his reaction more than the actual event itself. The way he treats me during it/after it has made me cry many times. I can’t bear it. It makes me feel so worthless.

Then a few days later when I’m starting to recover and getting back to my normal myself (of sorts) he reverts back to being the loving and supportive husband. Full recovery can take a week or so, and I can be very emotional during that time, but for those initial 1-2 days after the event where I’m still very much not myself and unlike the wife he “knows” he can be so distant and dismissive of me.

I just don’t know what to do.

For 350 days of the year he’s wonderful but for the other 15 days he’s someone who makes me feel so hurt. I go over and over and over it in my head all the time and there’s now this emotional space between us because I can’t move past the way he treats me, or makes me feel about myself when I’m at my most vulnerable.

I don’t know what to do.

Sometimes I even think about leaving him just for the protection of my own mental and emotional well-being but between my Disability benefit and the odd bit of work I do here and there, I only bring in about £800 a month, and of course there are the children to consider of course.

I have spoken to a close friend about it, who knows my husband well and who knows how out of character his behaviour is during my flare-ups. She thinks he behaves like it because he’s scared, he doesn’t know how to deal with and because he knows he cannot do anything to help. He’s very much a practical person in the way that some men can be. They see a problem and want to fix it, and with this he knows he can’t do anything to help and has to just watch me suffer. To me though it’s like he just can’t face it, or deal with it and his “go to” is to get angry that it’s happening without considering the impact it has on me.

I want me and him to be ok.

When the days after the event start to pass and my loving and supporting husband and all his wonderful qualities start to reappear I wonder if I’m over reacting but my anger and frustration at him is always there in the back of my mind. I am constantly questioning myself as to why he treats me like that. Maybe I need to accept that despite all the wonderful ways that he’s stepped up to keep the family afloat and all the ways that he does support me, that the genuine love and care that he should have for me just isn’t there.

My condition isn’t going anywhere, it cant be cured, and the thought of me having to endure this kind of emotional trauma every single time I have an episode, for the duration of my life/marriage just seems unbearable and untenable.

I have tried to talk to him about it but he just doesn’t understand.

What do I do?

This is so upsetting to read, it's horrible that you feel more worried about his behaviour than the actual seizure. And if they are exacerbated by stress he may actually be making you more unwell.

What was he like when you were pregnant, or unwell previously? Was he supportive or did he treat you badly if you needed medical attention or help with things?

He's probably very scared and doesn't know what to do. So he's showing annoyance and frustration instead of fear and helplessness, because that's easier for him to tolerate. Maybe talk to him about it.

I think it has reached that point now. It might give you more a sense of power and control if you start to look at how you can leave and what the financial realities of that are. At least then you’d feel less trapped and anxious, although you say you suffer badly from anxiety anyway?

What is your day to day life like at home when you’re together? What happens at weekends when you can’t go out as a family or a couple? Does your DH take the kids out at weekends? Do you watch tv together, are you intimate?

All those things are important too

Sounds like he really needs counseling. Individual to get out how much he hates and resents the impact this is having on him in a safe space to process those feelings, and couples with you to learn how to interact with you caringly during episodes.

If he's the type to refuse counseling then your choices are to accept how he is and ignore him as much as possible during your episodes, or leave. I'm sorry, it sounds like crap all around.

I had two awful pregnancies and he was fantastic both times, including all the difficulties I had after birth. He couldn't have been more supportive if he tried and he would do anything and everything he could to ease any stress and pressure that I felt. I cannot fault him in any way.

Aside from all of this he is perfect - and that's why it doesn't make sense and why I am so conflicted.

He is so selfless, so considerate, so kind and thoughtful. H e will do anything to help anyone, he always puts himself last and me and the children are always his priority. He has never in the last 6 years made me guilty about the way our lives have had to change and he will repeatedly tell me that we are a team, and that he would do anything to take this away from me (my seizures and the impact they've had on my life) and he is textbook perfect.... until I have a seizure and then he completely changes.

He treats me with contempt for 2-3 days, shouts at me, is dismissive towards me, says hurtful things to me, treats me like I'm a hindrance to his life and generally just makes me feel like I'm nothing....

......and then a few days later he switches back and its like it never happened.

It's so confusing and it leaves me feeling so hurt.

I just don't understand.

I'm looking into shopping online for DH with the weekly shop. Otherwise I have to eat what he picks up. I suggest that you do the same @SoConflicted0126 . Both my DILs get a fortnightly online shop for all the boring but necessary and heavy stuff.

What??? Seriously??? Will you stop making excuses for this man's rudeness and unkindness. What a horrible horrible thing to say to and about the person you supposedly love.

He really isn't very nice to you at all, and all the rationalisations and explanations in the world will not change that. That is a cruel thing to say, and I hope you told him if you realised what a selfish arsehole he was you would not have dated him.

I really think you need to weigh up your options and let him know that is what you are doing. What a horrible thing to say, I'm genuinely shocked by that.

Home life is fine together - sometimes we go out as a family or sometimes he will go out with his friends, or just take the children out. It varies. We cook together, we eat together, we laugh together. We snuggle on the sofa, we watch films together, we are affectionate, we are intimate etc etc - but underneath all of it there is just this white elephant in the room.

This feeling that it's all a pretence because of my underlying resentment that I just can't get over. This feeling that whilst it's all lovely in that moment I also know that if I had a seizure the following day it would all just fall apart.

I feel like our life is an illusion.

It's a few other people on this thread who are making excuses for him.... certainly not me.

I think the things he says and the way he treats me is awful...... but I end up doubting myself a lot. And I'm sure you've seen many of the responses on here where posters are telling me that I'm minimising his feelings and that I shouldn't be so hard on him (or words to that effect).

It's all such a mess.

We as humans have really come along! When I was at school there were a couple of kids that had epilepsy. The things that were said about them then, today are recognised is being abhorrent.

Could it be possible that your DH, holds such anachronistic thoughts?

Do you believe he loves you and wants to save
your marriage? If you believe he does, he needs to speak to a professional and gain some
understanding about himself, his views and
epilepsy.

If he can address that this is about him, not
you, he would most probably feel ashamed and embarrassed about himself.

The only way this awful cycle is going to break is when he is made to take responsibility for his behaviour.

I'm sorry to have implied you were minimising his response or excusing it. It's a fast moving thread.

Here is a question to ask yourself:

"Suppose that tonight, while you are sleeping, a miracle happens and the problem that brought you here [its a therapy question] is solved. When you wake up tomorrow, what is the first small sign that would make you think, 'Something is different—the problem is gone!'"

I recall Katie Hopkins going in for high risk surgery to break the cycle of her seizures. Her life had become untenable due to the frequency of them. I don't like her but thought her very brave. For her it worked.

If I was truly, truly honest.... and I almost can't quite bring myself to type this...

I think he'd want to save the marriage, not necessarily because he loves me but because of how badly he thinks it would reflect on him if we split. He is very motivated by what other people think of him.

Most days I wake up in fear (initially) followed by anxiety (which is usually helped by taking my medication) and then I think about what things I should do that day to "make it up to my husband" for the fact that my illness has had to change his life.

I feel indebted to him. Like I owe him, like I have to compensate him.

It would be nice to be able to wake up and not feel beholden to someone.

I think that is your starting point, how do you achieve that? What do you need to put in place to make that happen?

I need to improve my feelings of self-worth.

And there's only one person in my life who makes me feel bad about myself, and that's my DH. Even if it is only for a few days every 3-4 months of the year.

And that's where the problem lies.

Do I sacrifice all the good parts of him and our life together in order to protect myself and show that I value myself?

Or do I just sacrifice myself for the sake of him.

Sacrificing yourself is not an option, take that off the table.

what does that leave you? Couples counselling to work out what is going on? A trial separation? divorce? A huge row where you tell him in no uncertain terms to stop being abusive and sort himself out? You start working out your boundaries with him around this and express that to him?

But he makes you feel bad all the time. He's the same person all the time. I don't think you can continue to live this fake life - you'll lose your mind. Also, all this stress must be affecting your health.

Then being brutally honest @SoConflicted0126 man up. Calmly tell him you are not prepared to continue in a marriage where he behaves so badly on the occasional times when you have seizures and need treatment. So you wish him gone. He's being cruel and unreasonable. Don't let him interrupt until you've had your say. If he does leave the room and put it in writing and email him a copy.

I confront him about it and hope that he's willing to discuss it.

But, I am true believer that you cannot force someone to feel something (love) that they don't feel naturally, and if during my seizures his first instinct isn't to care and protect me, and is instead cruel and dismissive, then that shows there is some thing intrinsically wrong with our relationship and how he feels about me.

By confronting him about this is basically me having to face the truth that my husband doesn't love me in the way a husband should and ultimately I see that that being the start of the end.

I just don't know whether I'm ready to do that.

Certainly the chemical cosh she's taking for the anxiety he's causing can't go on.

Oh OP. Im so sorry. Why have you come to that thought, do you think, as its quite extreme. You've mentioned a couple of things he's said to you outside of your seizures that are just so insensitive, I know you say he's great otherwise... but is there anything else thats happened, anything else he has said, either related to your seizures or not, that makes you think this way? Because im getting the impression there might be.

You know what OP.

I knew he'd be an abusive, nasty prick as soon as you said in your opening post that he was a great dad.

That's the phrase used when women are desperate to find something positive to say, and to try and believe that their partners aren't the opposite.

For your daughter to notice also makes him an abuser who is fine for his children to experience his awfulness towards you.

No truly great father would ever treat the mother of his children the way your husband treats you, and no decent father would be anything other than devestated to know his daughter had said that about him.

Don't you think the stress you're under because of him is excacerbating your symptoms just as the old job you had did?

I think you are doing amazingly coming on here and working this through. It is so hard and having to look at your relationship in this way is going to throw up so many feelings for you. You have talked about some really tough things in this thread. It is easy for us strangers to say this and that, but the reality is that you have to live it.

Hopefully you have got some clarity about what you want, and the how and when will come when you are ready