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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was I sexually abused?

7 replies

BrickStork · 26/01/2026 23:54

A few months ago I met up with a guy after months of talking.
things got a bit hot and heavy but I was adamant and set boundaries beforehand that I would not do anything unless there was protection.
at first he did try to use protection but kept losing his erection. So he took it off and was still on top of me and we were just kissing.
I would get antsy because he was close to my entrance and would shake my head and say mm uh (like no) and I did that quit a few times. To which he told to relax and chill he won’t do anything to trust him Then I one point I felt him enter and again I said we can’t do this.
so we laid there. I was already feeling down like he couldn’t keep his erection because he wasn’t attracted to me or something.

so the next day I sent him a text. Telling him I was very bothered. Like he didn’t hear me when I told him my boundaries. That I didn’t like being told to relax. I even went as far as to tell him he wasn’t the only one to blame. Because I could have been firm with my “no’s” maybe they came off playful?
earlier that day I had told him that I felt a type of way that he couldn’t keep an erection and he said a part of it was because I kept “pulling away” which is crazy to me. If I saw someone wasn’t comfortable doing something I wouldn’t have continued.

he did respond saying I was completely right and he did disregard my boundaries that he was ashamed and felt like it rape.

of course when I read that I assured him saying I wouldn’t go that far and that it was like I was pushing him off and saying no.

but I still feel a type of way. And I can only imagine what he might do or say to influence his future partners.

OP posts:
HarvestMouseandGoldenCups · 27/01/2026 00:02

If he penetrated you when you told him not to then you were raped. If he did sexual acts to you when you didn’t want to then you were assaulted.

So, yes, you were raped. Legally that’s what happened so I’m not sure why you’re minimising it to him. You said ‘no penetration without a condom’ he then penetrated you without a condom. You even reiterated ‘no’. So he raped you. I’m sorry.

HonestPenguin · 27/01/2026 00:09

Rape crisis is good for support

BauhausOfEliott · 27/01/2026 00:23

He penetrated you when you repeatedly told him you didn’t want him to. That is rape. He put his penis in you when you had clearly, several times, told him not to. He knew exactly what he was doing.

BrickStork · 27/01/2026 02:26

What I’m most conflicted about is that instead of being mean or anything I feel bad so I’ll say oh it’s okay or I make it seem like it’s not a big deal. So I guess I’m thinking about how I told him I was also to blame and I could have spoken up more and said no. But really moving my hips around to where he’s not near me in that way and shaking my head should have been enough.
why did I tell him that him saying he essentially raped me was going too far.
by me saying that I pretty much dismissed everything I told him I was bothered and upset about making what he did okay. So even if it was assault/rape my words and how I responded to his feelings makes it out that that wasn’t the case. I’m made at myself for responding like that

OP posts:
Wellbeing24 · 27/01/2026 02:51

So sorry OP, you have endured a traumatising experience, your body language was you saying no.

Moving away, shaking your head, shifting your hips — you were communicating you felt unsafe or unsure how to speak. You should not have had to do more and it does not make what happened okay. It just shows you were overwhelmed and trying to keep yourself safe. Your boundaries absolutely do matter - he did not want to hear you, he chose not to hear you..

No is no, however it is communicated. If you’re in the UK, please think about contacting Rape Crisis, or your local NHS sexual health clinic, for support and advice xx

Crushed23 · 27/01/2026 02:53

You should have punched him in the balls. So entitled. Block & move on.

DeidrefromDusseldorf · 27/01/2026 12:39

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’ve had similar experiences. Please do not feel bad that your first response was to play it down. That’s normal; I think it’s partly that women are often raised to not make a fuss or make others feel bad. It’s also possibly self-protection… you don’t want to admit to yourself the gravity of what occurred. You’ve done nothing wrong and his behaviour was abhorrent. Please get some support and take care of yourself. Xx

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