How to get over someone you thought was "The One"?

[HeartbreakHotelHere]

I have no one to talk to irl and really need a HH and some advice.

Many years (11) i met and had a brief yet intense fling with a man. The type of encounter that never really left me and would sometimes find myself thinking about him over the years and what could have been. We were both young and things seemed to just fizzle out at that time, plus i had a fair amount of personal issues going on that i had to deal with. I did look him up over the years and it was clear he had quickly moved on to have a significantly long term relationship and 3 kids afterwards. I, too, had my own relationships in this time and later a child.

Around 9 months ago we matched on several dating apps and ended up finally getting into a relationship. He was a year out of this ltr mentioned above but he had claimed that he also had the same feelings i had about our encounter over the years but hadn't reached out for obvious reasons. However, what I thought was supposed to be a second chance type fairytale turned out not to be the case. It became quickly obvious that we didn't really align or work very well together and ultimately we have now reached the breaking point of calling time on everything. I feel he already has mentally left the relationship and to be honest it has all just broke me beyond words. It utterly terrifies me to lose someone who was very special to me for 11 years but I also know I cant force things that aren't mutually there or meant to be for us. And I know feelings are far too strong to ever be comfortable just being friends or platonic.
I just feel that I have lost all sense of hope in love and what I believed in before all this second encounter happened. I am also struggling with the fact that I have spent so many years in a delusion that has come crashing down so quickly and easily.

How can I process and move on?

Sorry for the really long essay.

I was friends with somebody about 12 years ago and always thought he was amazing-about 10 years ago,a couple of years into our friendship, we started dating and we were together for eight years. I thought without any doubt that I had finally found the type of love I deserved. I absolutely adored him. He ended up walking away from our relationship out of the blue and it has absolutely changed my view of the world. It’s been two years and I’m still not over it, but I’ve learned to accept it and I think “let time do its thing” is really the only advice I could give you. I tried to be friends with him because he reached out to me after a few months and offered friendship but I could not be friends with him now we haven’t spoken since last June. I still miss him every single day and I’m still devastated that he ended it but I don’t have that acute pain every day anymore. You just kind of adapt and move with it and I’m not interested in finding anybody else at this point. I’m okay being on my own but I do understand how devastated you feel atm and all I can say is that you will start to come to terms with it over time xx

I think you have to accept that the perfect person you thought he was in your head didn’t exist. It’s the made up person you’re struggling to get over, the real one has shown he’s not all that and that you don’t align. If he was everything you thought you would’ve worked out back then and you would’ve worked out now. But he is not.

It’s a hard pill to swallow but that’s what helped when the same thing happened to me.

I think try to accept it all. Nothing is wasted. Tbh it’s good that it only took a few months of being (sorry) his rebound that you have realised it doesn’t work. Maybe if you’d been with someone else that wouldn’t have worked either, he gave you something you wanted at the time and now you’re free.

I have a thing in my head about someone, it’s been there for 6 years and will be for a bit longer, but it’s just a comfort blanket after meeting that person at a very intense time for me. Tbh what I felt for him doesn’t have much to do with him as a person, it’s about that time and it’s nostalgia more than anything.

someone who was very special to me for 11 years

Sorry if am wrong, but they weren't special to you irl, just in your head as you weren't in contact?

It sounds like limerence - worth looking up. I had something like that. I think honestly the best thing is to cut the contact and leave it to be in your memory, but focus on here and now. You can't erase memories and feelings but you can put them in a box.

It sounds like a blessing that you had a chance, it didn't work, so you can put it to bed. In terms of regretting things, I just think that's a choice - I'm not sure there is any point regretting things as ultimately hindsight is always 20/20. Maybe you could make a list of things you learned about yourself / relationships as a reminder to not make the same mistakes again / closure.

I think of many of us have been there OP.

In my case, I thought I had fallen in love with someone. In reality it was nothing more than a fling which didn't progress. I loved the 'idea' of him, he ticked all the boxes and I found him very attractive. We both moved on (me very unwillingly) and our paths later crossed and pretty much the same thing happened. We were both a bit stuck on the past, yet obviously years had passed in between and we had both changed.

Now we are both married to different people. I still think about him from time to time and especially when I'm out in the city and walk past our old haunts, but realise that I didn't really know him at all. We were both at different times in our lives and we merely filled an empty gap in each other's lives but it was always just a temporary gap.

I was in love with the idea of him, and the idea of what our future together would look like. But it was based on fantasy not reality.

If it was meant to be, it would have happend.

He contacted me a few years ago to say he missed me, what we had. The truth is we didn't really have anything concrete at all. Also he omitted to say he was now married with a kid. I could finally breathe a sigh of relief that I wasn't his wife.

You have looked back on a previous relationship with this man with nostalgia and perhaps have built up a fantasy around him. Now you're older, and have had the chance to revisit the relationship, you are realising this man wasn't quite what you remembered and you don't align as you thought. You're bitterly disappointed that reality hasn't matched up to the fantasy in your head.

I think time is your only saviour here. You have to accept that the relationship isn't meant to be. As fond as you may be of this man, the relationship isn't going to work. You may find that you need to step back completely and have no contact with him. Emotionally, it will be difficult but you will be OK in time.

My very first serious boyfriend and I tried twice when we were in our late teens/early 20's. He chose to end the relationship both times; I was utterly devastated. I cut contact after the 2nd time we split, because I couldn't cope emotionally. Several years later he got in touch with me, and we've kept in touch ever since. We never got back together again, we'd both had numerous relationships, I'm married, he was widowed but has a new partner. We never were single again, at the same time. I accepted many years ago, that our ship has sailed. I also realised that our relationship probably wouldn't have worked long-term, we share similar values etc but are different in other ways. We keep in touch, but not regularly.

Time, self care and eventually meeting someone new and more suitable

I think you probably regret all that time you spent daydreaming about a dream.

It's apparent you didn't know each other as well as you think you did. You didn't get the chance to in the same way you did now, and it's possible that if you had stayed together all those years ago, you would have ended up at this moment anyway. Maybe you both just changed with maturity.

Forgive yourself.

Thank you for all the stories that have been shared and the advice. It makes me feel less alone. I am currently at the stage of understanding that it doesn't work but finding it really hard to accept and let go. It is clear that he is already "out" or atleast detached in some way and that hurts. I dont know how to stop myself from pleading for 1 more chance at making it work and going full no contact. It is the letting go part I am struggling with more than anything, particularly with the responses I am getting from him. It just feels like i am the only one out of the two of us who is finding this really hard.

Tbh I wouldn't even try. I have never got over my the one and I know I never will. We see each other occasionally, text fairly regularly, and I'd love for us to be together. If I've not got over him in decades it's never going to happen. Some people just imprint themselves on you and it is different for everyone how they deal with it.

The first step is cutting all contact. I tried to make things work with someone I loved. Over a period of years with a big gap in the middle.
It didn’t work because he didn’t want it to. I’ve had to accept that the person I thought was the one didn’t see me as his. It’s painful but stay well away and the feelings subside.
You’ve created an image in your head of who he was, and he probably isn’t that person. Between limerence and nostalgia, it’s making you think he’s more than he is. Which is likely a walking red flag.

It sounds like you were in love with the fantasy of what a relationship would be like with this man, rather than the reality. It may well be that he isn't ready after leaving his last long term relationship. Or that you're just not compatible. It's ok to be upset and give yourself time to get over him (don't beg for another chance - keep your dignity)

You think he's your "One". You've spent 11 years building this up in your mind after a brief fling.

He doesn't think of you as his "One". For him this is a short term relationship with a former fling that didn't work out and he's already mentally gone. Begging for another chance won't make him love you. It will destroy your self respect.

You just have to realize your expectations were unrealistic and you built a picture of him and a relationship that wasn't reality based.

Time to end it and go no contact. Block, stop checking his SM, give yourself time away from this. Don't try to stay friends, you're not friends and you need to stop feeding the fantasy.

Process with therapy and self care and get busy.

I’m in a similar situation to you. I’ve come abroad after we split and we still are “friends” at the moment and are still winding up our joint stuff together in the U.K (we lived together etc)., but when thats done I think I’m going to have to stop talking to him as it upsets me too much.

There is no such thing as “the one” - you could have a deeply satisfying romantic relationship with many people.
I think that you had unfinished business and unfortunately over 11 years you idealised that into being something that proved not to be true when you found each other again.
instead of losing hope - try and think about what positive lesson this has taught you.

OP, you did not know this man for 11 years. You had an imaginary friend for 11 years. Let's get that straight first.

Secondly, the man has made it clear to you that he is NOT into you. He never was. He had a wife and 3 kids after your little fling. You need to get over this dude. He might be a good man but he is not on such a high pedestal that your mind has put him on for some reason...

Last, have some 💖self respect 💖and do not talk to him ever again. Block all numbers, delete all his socials, and go NC 100%.

I know, I'm there too. The imprint is so true. I wish I'd never met him 😢

Sounds like limerance to me. I think you need to give your head a wobble. They weren’t special though really were they because you were not in a relationship, they were with someone else, the fantasy was special. Fill your time with other things op. It’s having too much time for fantasies that have got you here.

It’s incredibly hard but you need to go no contact. Whatsoever. Then you have to let time do its work. The rule is that it takes two years . Sounds a lot but be patient. One day you’ll look back and wonder what you were thinking.

@HeartbreakHotelHere one teeny tiny thing that helped me was would I want my children to spend years alone feeling sad about one person?

Similar story, dating someone several years ago, casual though we both ended up catching feelings. I had lots of complications in my life as did he so my then partner faded me out. I went on to date others semi casually but laughingly joked to friends that he was the love of my life. Three years later he gets in touch and this time we are serious, in love, meeting families. It was everything id never though id have. Attraction was a big thing, we both thought there was nothing better. But deeper than that, there was so much more.

But after a year of bliss, it was apparent that our lives weren't suited. He hadnt got kids and wanted someone with more time. Resentful of my kids taking my time. He was a Peter Pan type whereas i was a responsible mother. It was a horrible situation that was out of my control. There was more stuff so we parted. I still think of him daily, no interest in others. I dont think ill ever get over him now its a year. But I force myself to get up, get on with life, make myself look nice, even look on the apps. I tell myself maybe it won't be that great love but maybe someone who the universe thinks suits me more. But in many ways I feel im lucky to have got to feel that happiness in a relationship, which i genuinely never thought id have. We are linked on social media but I avoid it all now. I guess im saying time will heal, keep going. If its meant to be, then it will happen at some point but dont waste your life now.

Sending you a massive hug. It’s horrendous pain and I think it gets harder as I get older as I never thought I’d be in this position at this point in my life. It’s definitely helped not being his friend but I miss him terribly. The way I feel though is that he hurt me so why should hs have access to me now? X

Thank you, sending one to you too. So relate to what you say, I feel so incredibly betrayed by him x

If I could go back and do one thing differently it would be that I’d pull back from any engagement with him. If I look back through the messages between us when we were “friends” after our breakup, it’s so obvious that I was fishing for some kind of emotional reaction from him and it’s clear he was totally disengaged. Don’t please for another chance. It’ll only go one of 2 ways- you’ll “get him back” but deep down you know he’d only be doing it out of guilt and your resentment towards him for hurting you would be significant, or he’ll say no and you’ll feel about 2 inches tall. Keep your pride xxx

Omg same. That EXACTLY how I feel. I still wake up 2 years (and 4 months 😳) later and it hits me like a sledgehammer. I can’t believe this man who “adored” me, asked for my ring size etc the year before just walked away as if I never meant anything after 8 years. It’s really changed me as a person. I don’t even want a relationship anymore with anyone as it took me 40 years to find him and I thought “finally- so this is what love is meant to feel like” and as it turns out, he obviously didn’t feel the same. If he could do that to me (and I trusted in him 100%), then I don’t think love is meant for me xx