I’ve started dating someone with children.

[Sunshineismyhappy]

Hi there,

im looking for some thoughts on my situation.

I’ve recently started dating someone I know of. We have a lot of mutual people we know, and get on so well, he’s kind, caring and full of life !

he has 3 children & I have none.
I already know his children, although they don’t know me and their dad are dating.

due to selling my house I’ve had to move back home for a while !
I mentioned to my family about me seeing this person and they have been negative about it..

I feel like because the person I’ve started seeing didn’t have a house himself ( rents ) & has 3 children they have already made their decision about it…. I just want to be happy with someone that’s all.

its pissed me off !!

As long as you're prepared to always be fourth in line (which is absolutely right, the kids should always come first) and be ready to pull your weight regarding childcare and endless washing if you move in together with the kids (because otherwise there is zero chance this relationship will survive) then it might work.

Well, obviously you're not obliged to pay any attention to anyone else's concerns, and you know your own life best, but there are some challenges hardwired into dating someone with children when you have none, which are differently from, say, the challenges built into dating someone with children when you also have children. That person has literal baggage in the form of three claims on his time and attention that you don't have, and there's also the question of whether you would want children with him?

This is not necessarily true.
I've been with my partner for 5 years, we don't nor do we have any plans, to live together and have survived thus far.
He's also never asked me for help with his childcare. He is very much a hands on Dad and does everything himself.

I did say if you move in together...

You might get lucky. The might not hate you. They might be decent kids. Their mum might not be a total witch. Dad might occasionally put you first on your birthday or whatever. Dad might step up and not assume you will be his assistant/ housekeeper/nanny. It might all be awesome 👍

How old are you both? Perhaps that has some baring on their opinions?

You also said "because otherwise there is zero chance this relationship will survive" So I was just saying we dont or plan to live together and have done 5 years so far.

I took it that the poster meant the relationship won't survive if the OP moves in and doesn't help out, you dont live with your partner so why pick up on this comment?

OP, take it slow and if you accept his kids come first and build a good connection, of course it could work. Good luck

It can work, it depends what you both want from the relationship.
You need to be comfortable having these types of conversations VERY early on.

He may never want you involved with the kids for example.

A big stumbling block would be whether you want children and hes done. This needs discussing very early on otherwise what is the point?

God no step away. It’ll be more trouble than it’s worth

I hated how people felt entitled to throw out stupid remarks when I met my now DH. "He won't have a penny left for you if he's paying maintenance on all three of them" etc. It would be different if I'd asked their opinion or shared any personal information.

So ignore them.

However please do read up on the step parenting forum here and proceed with extreme caution.

I took it as though she meant the relationship wouldn't survive if she didn't move in, hence why I picked up on that comment.
Otherwise, I wouldn't have commented.....

I started dating someone who had 3 kids under 11. In retrospect I think, OMG what was I thinking! I didn't have kids or any real plans to have kids (there are reasons it would have been difficult). I was 34 he was 35. .

My sister, who has 4 kids, said to be careful I wasn't been taken on as the nanny. Someone else said - have a child - or you'll never be a priority.

We've been together 21 years, married 12. I'm not saying it's all been easy...but it's basically been OK.

A few things helped - I stayed living in my own house for the first few years, him and his ex get on very well, I get on well with my in laws as does the ex. I kept my own friendship group and interests going. We kept separate finances up until fairly recently when we bought our own house together. Up to then I'd been living in his house he bought when he got divorced.

I get on well with the kids, I've never tried to be their mum, they've got a perfectly good mum. They are grown up now and we go on holiday with them etc.

ETA - it also helped that we are both quite high earners and owned our own houses. Money really does help. It's not romantic but its true.

I think more context in needed as to why your family feel this way, how often does he look after his DC, how many bedrooms does he have for his DC, how far does he live from them etc.