Is this common in a long marriage?

[BetteDavisChin]

I haven't ever felt confident in relationships so I want to check if what I'm feeling means it's over.

Married for 33 years, we have been through a lot of upset and misunderstandings.

He is usually good natured but also has a determined and persistent personality which often results in arguments because he can't cope with my relaxed and more passive attitude (not saying that either of us is right or wrong, just incompatible perhaps).

If I disagree with him over petty (and not so petty) things he challenges me over and over again until I relent. Otherwise he gets annoyed and says horrible things to me.

I like to get my own way just as much as he does, but he has trained me so well that I usually give in.

I have to say that I must have as many faults, in different ways, but I find it hard to see myself from his point of view.

I want to make my own choices without having to explain or even consider his opinions. Does that sound callous?

No, it doesn't sound callous. He's a bully
And your oestrogen goggles have fallen off.

First post nails it.

I don't think it sounds callous but could you give us an example in more detail to be sure? What was one of the choices you made that you had to explain it to him?

Yes, give us an example.
Do you have a life outside him? Friends, hobbies, travel? I think that's important in a long marriage.

The longest I’ve managed is 14 years so far so I’m not sure but I’d say it’s never too late for couples therapy.

I do have friends and outside interests, but we pretty much spend all day every day with one another.

I'll try to think of examples, but sometimes it's just a feeling rather than actual instances.

A while ago, I said I was going to go to see my son (80 miles away). For some reason, he got very angry, saying I was stupid to go and that if I went, not to come back.
I didn't go 😥

I said I wanted to be vegan (already vegetarian) and he was angry because of how it would affect him. He didn't speak to me for four hours. I am now vegan.

He overrules my decisions, or persuades me that his idea is better, all the time.

He's a controlling, abusive bully.
This is not just a feeling in your toe.
And why do you spend all day with him? Why can't you see your son or go on a solo trip?

Because he says I am weird to want time away and why don't I just.go and live on my own if that's how I want it.

He isn't abusive, maybe a bit of a bully to get his own way, I want to decide if I should stay with him or leave.

I very rarely say Leave. But I too am in a long marriage and DH would never tell me I can't have time away. I have been doing solo trips away for 25 years. Also nobody gets to tell me when I can see my son. ( I assume it's not his son). It's not normal to make your wife spend all her time with you.

He's a bully and your oestrogen made you put up with this until now. Leave

This is emotional abuse. Is it his son too or just your’s?
what is his family background? Did his parents also act like this, either to him or to each other ?

Next time you want to go somewhere/do something and he says "don't bother coming back" or "go and live on your own," just do what he says.

Ive been in the position where you doubt yourself and find yourself tolerating things that don’t sit right with you for an easy life. Like you I questioned if it was abuse. Someone said to me doubting yourself is a sign that it is abuse. It was such a simple observation but of course absolutely the right one. I never doubted myself at work or in other decisions. Now I’m separated I never doubt myself at all. It was all him, never me.

"He isn't abusive, maybe a bit of a bully to get his own way,"

Ignoring you is abuse, google it. He has conditioned you to cower to him, to change your opinion by badgering you. He has done this for so long you cannot see it. Name calling is also abuse. Disagreements should be about the topic, not a personal attack.

Awful for you that you didn't go and see your son because of his threats. He doesn't want you away from him as you might realise he is an abusive arsehole.

OP

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is still keeping you there with him?.

What is your definition of abuse?. It needs revising to include what your H is doing to you and I guess he's been doing this for so long you regard it as normal. He has done a right number on you to get you to where you are now.

You have been conditioned by him to accept this abuse of you and abuse is not just physical in nature either.

It is not callous to make your own choices, he just wants you to think it is. Any dissent from you is not tolerated at all by him, he really does think he is your keeper.

I presume he is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world. Abusers can be indeed quite plausible to outsiders. He would not speak to his work colleagues for instance the ways he does to you

Silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse,

This is abusive behaviour from him and abuse is about power and control. He wants absolute over you. I take it your son is not his child and I would think your son cannot abide your H at all.