Looking for honesty. I feel sick with guilt about this whole thing. Ok so here’s the story. I met a boy (we’ll call him D) when I went to university in 2015 when we were 18. We met the first week of uni, we both studied in London but opposite sides so quite far apart. We went out for drinks and slept together. We carried on speaking but both were just enjoying our separate universities, new friends, going out drinking, sleeping with other people etc. We did this for probably 3 years, both enjoyed our time at our unis and both dated multiple people, but we always stayed in touch and messaged almost daily, we would meet up maybe once every few months on nights out with friends. Sometimes we’d drunkenly kiss on the nights out and other times we would share a bed but never had sex since that first night. Uni finished, I left London and moved back home. He came to visit me a few times, and I went back to London to see him too over the years. We both had relationships with other people at various times, but again always stayed in touch. Sometimes talking daily, other times not speaking for a while. At one point I blocked him because I decided I wanted to really try with my relationship. But it didn’t work out and as soon as I split up with my controlling ex I contacted D again. Fast forward to 2020 when the pandemic very first hit (and everyone thought the world might end 🤣). D called me in the middle of the night when they announced the first lock down. He told me he wanted to see me and had some things to tell me. He asked if he could come visit my home town. I told him I know what he wants to say and that I felt it too. But I told him I’m sorry, I’m dating someone and I can’t do this anymore. I need to focus on my relationship. Basically I said, too little too late. I massively regret that now and know how much I hurt him. My relationship ended in 2021. D and I met up after I finished things. Important to say here that D was in a relationship at this point and I knew that. We went for drinks and spent the day together, it felt amazing. I told him I ended things with my ex because of him. Because I wanted to be with him, because I thought about him every day and I felt I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. He kissed me. And he walked me to the train station and we said goodbye. A few weeks and months went by and I started to realise he wasn’t going to leave her, which was fair enough, why should I expect him to, when I’d been in so many relationships before and shut him down when he finally told me we wanted to be with me. But I was hurt and angry. So I basically said if you’re not gonna leave her then I can’t do this anymore. So I started dating again and eventually met my current partner (let’s call him A). The complicated bit. I love A with all my heart, I truly do. We have 2 children together. I can see myself marrying him and we are best friends. But then why the hell do I still think about D. Seriously hardly a day goes by where I don’t think about him. Every sad song, love song. Every time I go to London. Every memory from university. Every single day of my life I think about him and miss him. Am I an awful person? I want my kids to have the best life possible and parents who are together and obviously I love my babies more than I’d ever love anyone so they come first. Which is why I’ve been suppressing it for the last 5 years. And I have never spoken to or seen D during my whole relationship with A so there’s no form of cheating going on. But even by thinking about him I still feel so guilty and like I’m being disloyal to A. What in the hell do I do? Is it normal to still be thinking about someone you slept with once, 10 years ago?! Why does he have this affect on me? What about A? He’s such a nice person. I feel like an absolute arsehole