My wife has deceived me

[PoliteWasp]

20 years ago I discovered that my wife had been in a one year intense relationship with a man 10 years her junior. We repaired our relationship and I thought all was well until today discovering that she has been meeting him 3 or 4 times a year for the last 20 years, claiming it's platonic. I feel devastated but unsure how to act. Any advice.

I'm so sorry OP. That sounds really tough.
Do you think she's telling the truth?
Personally I do think it's possible to have an intense relationship and then move it into the platonic zone and keep in touch. But really it's up to you, what you can cope with, what you believe and how you want to move forward?

To me the platonic doesn't matter. This was after an affair when you chose to repair it it's her responsibility to respect your boundaries, instead she kept it hidden and took away your choice. Personally the deception would mean i would leave

I would leave her OP, if you are able to. You won't be able to live with this deceipt and she obviously has no respect for you.

You gave her a chance and she has totally blown it. There's no way I could come back from this. Platonic or not.

I presume the relationship 20 years ago was sexual?

She's been lying to you all that time and you only have her word that it's been platonic. A lack of respect in every regard.

Does she love him? Why has she kept up this contact for so long if she decided to stay with you?

If it is platonic, why did she need to hide it from you? So it’s either not platonic or it is but she doesn’t respect your boundaries. Whether you can forgive her for either one and over such a long time is a very personal decision.

WOW!! I would be floored. I don't think I could forgive that.

I'm so sorry to hear this, OP. I would think marriage counselling would be a good first step. But if you feel that you cannot get past the deception, then leaving her would be the next logical step.

Im sorry your wife has deceived you that must be painful.
I think it hard to know the truth particularly when the person has been deceptive.
Full and frank discussion needed and some clarification as to the truth may help.
I wouldn't tolerate my partner meeting up 3/4 times or at all with someone they cheated on me with .

First off I'm really sorry to read this, unfortunately whether or not you believe her version of a platonic meeting is irrelevant. It's the enormity of the 20 year lie that puts it in to perspective. Your whole relationship to date has revealed its self to be based on a lie.
It's a massive deception and completely takes away any trust you could've had for your wife.
The issue of a platonic meeting can't be taken seriously in the face of someone that can lie to you for such a long time. You weren't there and you'll never know the truth, it's simply damage limitation on her part. That's what liars and cheaters do!
Please take yourself out of this complete charade of a life and don't waste another day on her.

Relationships can rarely recover from deception, you gave her a second chance and she's abused it. For your own sanity and self respect, LTB.

Many thanks to everyone for your helpful replies.

Hi @PoliteWasp So sorry to hear about your situation, it was a frustrating thing to read about, i can't even begin to imagine what it feels like living it...
Unsure how to act? Well.. All those years you invested in the two of you, you won't get back, so the best you can get out of it is if you call it a day, and exit this relationship altogether. You owe it to yourself to not be betrayed and treated this way. For some reason, you made the choice to stay after discovering that intense relationship - which on its own would have been way more than enough to leave, a one-off cheating would easily be enough, too. But a whole relationship? yikes. It must have tortured your mind ever since, I am guessing..
Platonic or not (in terms of the 3-4 times meetups) it is completely unimportant.. She deceived you, lied to you. She chose to betray your trust and diminish your relationship and intimacy. Not that it matters, but: all of this on repeat, multiple times. Unless being ridiculed, humiliated is something you enjoy, do yourself a favour that should have done a while ago, and move on. You deserve better - whether it's on your own, or with a woman who respects you enough not to betray you like that.

If she's been seeing her old affair partner at regular intervals on the sly for the last 20 years, then it doesn't sound like it's past, she just hid it better.

I would never be able to trust her and would end the marriage myself. But I would likely not have reconciled after the first infidelity.

How did you find out?

Longterm deception like this in marriage is probably as common as infidelity. Often marriage partners may want their cake, and eat it. The affair might've been found out twenty years ago but she'll be damned if she was going to give it up.

I have a friend who did something similar. She's knocking on a bit now but back in the 70s, when she was in her 30s, she had an affair with a man and I think it ended in 1981. Once found out, I'm not sure how it was revealed, she continue to see her sex partner a few times a year; usually at a hotel in or around London. She did that until 2005.

I would end it all. If it was that passionate you can’t change to platonic. Move on.

Divorce her pronto

I think women do a better job of covering up cheating than men do

It’s definitely a line too far, I struggled enough with DW just messaging another man( , emotional affair)if she’d carried on with that and was seeing him too, it would be the end of the relationship .Only you can know if you want to carry on , but how can you ever trust her again

How did it come out? Why has she decided to confess now? The sad truth could be that she no longer cares enough about your marriage to protect you from the truth - which means it’s over anyway, regardless.

Leave. There’s no point staying with a liar. It’s not worth it.