Actions speak louder…

[AmIJustBeingDaft]

DP & I have been together 5 years, both 36 and our DS is nearly 2.
We always planned having 2 children but now it’s come down to starting to try for our 2nd since October, DP keeps pulling out and it’s making me feel really upset and crappy. It’s like he’s just saying he wants another but said action says different.

Im truly stuck what to do; do I give up hope and go back on the pill
Do I hope the pull out methods fails and it happens anyway
Or do I wait and hope he changes his mind and stops pulling out.

TIA

You need to have a serious conversation with him. He’s doing it for a reason. I don’t know why you’d go back on the pill or wait and hope he stops without talking to him?! Is there a reason you can’t just have a proper discussion about this? You’re both adults, if you can have sex you can talk about what is going on here.

Talk to him! Find out what’s really going on. You’ve already got a child, you get naked together, you can have a frank and open conversation about this.

Haven't you asked him why he's doing it?

Yes and he can’t really give me an answer

Could it just be force of habit? Like if he usually does that maybe he’s finding it hard to finish without pulling out on autopilot. Otherwise it seems clear he doesn’t want a second child, which prompts a big talk about your hopes and dreams for the future, whether there’s anything in particular that has changed for him, and is it just a matter of timing or has he changed his mind entirely.

That’s not good enough. He needs to give you an answer about something as fundamental as trying for a child.

There is times he himself brings up having another and our little boy having a sibling so it’s not only me talking about it, but since I came off the pill pulling out is what he’s mostly done. And when I spoke to him about why last month and was this really what he wanted he said he didn’t know why he was pulling out and that of course he wants another. He’s really hard to get to open up so I don’t push too much cos we just end up arguing. Our first son was also planned and this didn’t happen then so why is this happening with the 2nd time trying

Sorry OP but I think if you can’t have a proper conversation with him about why he’s saying one thing and doing another then maybe you shouldn’t be having another child with him. Communication is so important in a relationship, and I can’t understand why this is not an issue you two can openly discuss. It’s bizarre behaviour from him and you need to find out what’s going on.

I agree that actions speak louder than words... It is strange he cannot give you an answer. Maybe he worries about finances, maybe having the first child made him realise he wouldn't cope well with the extra energy the second one would need.. who knows? (well, him...) I am just guessing with examples.

However, I would like you to think about something - If you have a partner who clearly does not want another kid for whatever reason, is it worth trying to make the pregnancy happen? It's not fair to the potential baby, I think..

So, I know he didn't really give you an answer, but it sounds like you guys need a nice, deep conversation around this, he needs to be honest... and whatever is his issue, you can go forward based on that...

None of your options are correct. It wouldn’t be fair on a child to be to have a father who didn’t want him/her. Which his actions show. And, ‘I don’t know’ isn’t remotely mature enough to be able to parent properly.

He doesn’t want another child. If you were on the pill before and not using any additional methods and this is only happening since you are off the pill, then it seems fairly obvious. He’s either worried about a specific thing (e.g finances, less time to himself) or genuinely doesn’t want another but can’t face the upheaval telling you will bring. He needs to be honest with you.