NC.
Been with Bob for over ten years. Never married, although we were engaged at one point. We have separated a few times. We have a child together.
Bob doesn't listen. He gets very defensive when I attempt adult conversations about finances, lifestyle, parenting etc. All conversations turn into arguments. He goes off on tangents about irrelevant stuff as if gaslighting me. I don't think he is, I think he hears something completely different to the actual words coming out of my mouth. Or he picks up on something around the conversation which isn't the main point. Some time later Bob will say he agrees with my proposals around what ever the issue is and he will go along with the plan. I'm not strong arming him to bend to my will, but I think we've both gone on too long at not doing a very good job of adulting. When I see we could be doing better for our future or for our child, I come up with a solution to improve ourselves. I would be more than happy for Bob to take the lead, but he doesn't. He just doesn't see things that need to change. Anyway, a few weeks or months go by, and nothing changes. When I point this out, Bob gets defensive, feels attacked and we start this process all over again. I'm tired of it.
I've made so many mistakes in my life - especially around finances. I have no savings. We live in a rented property, and I'm getting older. Sadly it won't be possible for me to ever buy. My parents were poor. They didn't really instill good money habits or teach me to save. They lived in a council house and they both drank heavily. I'm proud of how far I've come. We live in a nice area. DC goes to a lovely school and I try to parent them better than I was. I'm not perfect in any way. I make mistakes. I hate it when they hear Bob and I argue because it reminds me of my own childhood (lots of shouting and abusive behaviour). I explain to them that adults don't always get along and reassure them it's not their fault etc. One of the reasons Bob and I separated before was because I was concerned our relationship was having a negative emotional impact on DC (along with many other issues). Because Bob is quite vicious with words, I started responding to him in the same way. I hated the person I was becoming and I put an end to it.
This kind of brings me back to my point. Here I am again arguing with Bob all the time because things always slip back to how they were before.
The last separation we spent two years apart. It broke DCs heart which in turn broke mine. Bob never have up hope and continued to pursue me until eventually he wore me down. He did lots of work on himself along the way to prove himself.
I don't really know what I'm saying. I'm just so fed up with this cycle. Bob resents me for many reasons. In turn I blame him for making me into all the things he dislikes about me. I have become detached and unloving towards him. I've become the nag. I treat him like a child which really makes him angry. But he takes no action and holds very little accountability.
Bob will receive a very decent inheritance at some point. And he was very mollycoddled as a child and young adult. In fact, he still is. I wonder if this is why he is like he is. I wonder if he feels safe in the knowledge that one day, he will have a financial cushion. He has good points. He works hard, he adores his DC and he would never see her go without. He's funny and he would help me out if I needed it... Although he might moan a little about it which takes the sincerity out of it in my opinion.
Just in case you're wondering, Bob isn't his real name!
Please be gentle if you have an opinion/advice. I know my flaws. I feel like I'm at a crossroads and it's scary to think about blowing DCs life apart (again).