Long distance relationship emotions

[Anneliot]

Hi I have been in a long distance relationship for a year and a half. My partner stays on an island 3 nights a week and stays with me on the mainland the other 4 as his DS stays on the island. I’ve been finding our relationship difficult beyond words. It’s very stressful having the emotional high when he’s here and then missing him the other 3 nights when he’s away. The big issue is that the ferry’s are so unreliable that they frequently get cancelled at very short notice and it leaves the constant uncertainty and stress of not knowing if we’ll be able to see each other when we’ve arranged to. My partner takes this in his stride but I find the uncertainty and constant changing of our routine very difficult to deal with. I get very upset to the point I’m crying over long periods of time and extremely anxious due to the constant stress of being unable to have the freedom of choosing when we see each other and the frequent last minute cancellations etc. My partner can’t understand why I get so upset and I do recognise that I get very emotional. I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation and how they coped or if anyone thinks they would feel and react the way I do.
thanks so much

Seeing each other most nights a week while only together for 18 months does make your reaction seem very extreme. Are you nervous about other aspects of life where you feel like you don't have control? Because I think your partner is right, this level of reaction would baffle me.

You still see him 4 nights a week! I would just focus on all the things you get to do on the nights he’s not there (for good reason if it’s to see his DS!) - like watch what you like on tv, eat what you want for dinner, sleep alone in a star fish shape in bed etc.

You can’t ask for more because his DS must come first so if I were you, I would try to work out why it makes you so upset not to see him for only 3 nights a week - the majority of his time is still with you. Is this a jealousy issue with his ex? Or an issue with you not having much of a life outside of your relationship?

Most couples that don’t live together don’t see each other every night or even as often as 4x per week and it’s important to have a life outside the relationship as well as with your DP

I think i remember you posting about this relationship - wasn't there some disagreement about where you guys would live? If so I think you are reacting to the bigger picture issue which is understandable

I can imagine the uncertainty of ferries being cancelled would be annoying and frustrating.

But the level of crying and anxiety you have described does sound disproportionate to the issue. Is there something else going on for you as a couple?

I remember this too.

OP if you're crying a lot, end it. Relationships are supposed to make us happier.

My gut is saying that a long distance relationship simply isn’t for you if the uncertainty is causing you anxiety. You won’t be able to control ferry crossings so can either accept that this is part of the relationship or it simply isn’t worth the anxiety.

I am wondering whether it is just the whole uncertainty of the travel arrangements that is bothering you or whether it is being separated and wondering what he may be thinking or doing when you are not together?

I would also suggest you think about developing your own hobbies, friends and interests so it isn’t so bad if his trip gets cancelled. If you can start to really enjoy the time you have apart then it will make a huge difference to your wellbeing rather than your mood being dependent on him arriving when planned. You are never going to be able to control what he does or what the ferries are doing so start making small changes in your own life and routine so it isn’t such a disappointment when plans go awry.

I do understand how bad Calmac can be in general and reliance on the weather and tides can take over but spring is coming and the uncertainty will lessen a bit.

Are you quite young? Or not happy in the rest of your life? It is too much of a reaction I think. Maybe counselling would help? Otherwise you'll perhaps have to both move over but I realise that can be very hard for work.

I think it would be beneficial for you to build yourself a fulfilling life that doesn’t solely focus around a partner of 18 months.

I could understand you feeling somewhat like this is you weren’t seeing him for 3-4 months, or even possibly weeks however you’re spending 4 days per week with this person.

If you can live independently for the other 3 days per week, you really need to focus and work on this

But I don’t think you are in a long distance relationship if you see him 4 nights a week! That’s a perfectly normal amount of time to see someone you are not living with, even if their house is just 10 minutes away from yours - you’re seeing him quite a lot in fact! (To me a long distance relationship means one where you see each other rarely because of substantial distance, for instance if you live in Norwich and he lives in Durham.)

It sounds like the real issue is not ‘struggling with a long distance relationship’ but ‘struggling with the fact that partner will not move in with me’ which is very different.

Given that the reason he won’t move in with you is his childcare responsibilities, reacting like this seems - well, it seems to be placing an unfair amount of emotional pressure on him. A bit claustrophobic even. If you really do have to have a partner who lives with you, the best thing to do would be to end this relationship and find that other partner - one without children! But if you want to stay with him perhaps the first step would be to recognise that this reaction is unhelpful and extreme, and think about where it comes from and ways you can stop acting it out, in order to build a healthier relationship.

is it arran? the wee ferry at lochranza is to run more again this year and it duesnt get as badly affected by bad weather so fewer cancellations.

although i think the rest and be thankful may be closed just now due to landslide but im not sure. you can still island jump via dunoon snd western ferries if you’re desperate. although it’d be him coming to you so he may not want to….

it’s island life. nothing can be taken for granted.

I think you’re being a bit ridiculous. You are allowed to feel the emotions you feel so apologies for the bluntness but you’re 18 months in and see him 4 days a week (depending on weather etc). Crying ‘over long periods’ sounds really extreme.

For context, and maybe why I sound less than understanding, I’m in a long distance relationship and have been for years where my partners job means it’s very unpredictable knowing when he will
be at home and when he will be away.

I make the most of the time he is away by seeing friends and getting real momentum with my own hobbies etc.

I think if you continue this you could well push him away as you sound very clingy. Is there something else causing you concern, are you worried he’ll cheat or not miss you and therefore end the relationship? What is driving this anxiety?

It sounds like early days in the relationship having the emotional high of seeing him which is lovely but it might help to identify what’s driving the following low, nothing wrong in missing him but you’re making yourself very unhappy.

In the kindest possible way, I think you do need to examine why its upsetting you so much if you're with him four nights a week. The emotional ups and downs you describe don't sound particularly healthy. Do you have things to focus on outside the relationship?

I remember your last post too. This relationship sounds like it really doesn’t match your needs .
As someone pointed out upthread it might be the overall situation you are reacting too rather than feeling this emotional about cancelled ferries. You might have to think of this relationship is really working for you. I remember in the last post your partner has a child as do you and he has been allocated housing on the island so none of this can realistically change.

Honestly it sounds like the perfect balance to me but then I love my own company. OP if this is causing you this much anxiety then I would walk away now as your attachment styles are very different.

I remember your previous post, too -- wasn't the issue then that he was supposed to move in with you, but was offered a house on the island and decided to stay there for the sake of his relationship with his child?

I think it's time to acknowledge that, if his 'commute' being unreliable in poor weather is causing you this much distress. this is just not the relationship for you.

I think this probably isn’t the relationship for you. Most people don’t see their partners 4 nights a week (especially if they have children) this early on in a relationship.

When Dh and I were a year in, we had to move home to our respective countries (both expats working in a 3rd country) which was an 11 hour flight apart. We saw each other usually every 2 months, but we didn’t necessarily know when one of us flew back, when the other would be able to book the next flight. We just got on with it. We did that for 2 years before I was able to move to live with him.

Your relationship is there whether you are together or not. It’s not only when you are physically in the same place. Our relationship is as solid as it is now (18 years later) because we spent a lot of time building our relationship and planning for our life together during those months apart when we weren’t sure we’d see each other again for a bit. I’d focus on that, make the time when you are apart as meaningful as when you’re together, rather than stressing about ferry schedules. If you can’t do that, then this may not be the relationship for you.