Living in Limbo - Separate or Not

[Newname699032]

I'm so torn.

Married 9 years this year, together 14 altogether. I know now I should never have married him. I was just out of a relationship with a guy I loved so much, was hurt, met my now DH, who despite being young, when I look back now I can see he lovebombed me a bit. And I think I was just happy to be loved, which makes me so sad to think of now.

He's not a bad guy. But I know there is some subtle control. He has treated me with disrespect down through the years, disguised as 'humour'. I'm no wallflower and wouldn't accept it, but I did really because we're still together. I was also never hugely attracted to him which was a recipe for disaster really.

So to now. 5 years on we have our gorgeous daughter. We only wanted one. Well I wasn't prepared to have another with him as I couldn't trust him to pull his weight as he didn't when our daughter was a baby and I have huge resentment. Even now, he adores her but I still do the vast majority. Same with the house. His lack of helping with housework genuinely stresses me because of the mess he makes.

I try talking about it and he goes into denial. Says he'll try harder and does for a while. I don't want to hurt him but I don't think I can do this long term. I'm 38 and I dont think I'd struggle to find someone else, but whether I'd find a good man I dont know. I'm scared to be on my own. Plus finances...a big part of my husbands reluctantance for us to split is he doesnt want to get screwed financially. He earns well, a lot more than me but where we live the housing market is dire and I don't know how we'd make two homes work.

Sorry this is so long. Head is all over the place.

Well, sorry for the difficult headspace, OP, not an easy situation.
I may be misunderstanding what you are experiencing, but there are an awful lot of key things that make it sound like a done deal - to me, at least. You mention resentment, I think when there is active resentment, that is the nemesis of any residual love...You also mention that you don't think you'd struggle to find someone else, so that scenario is also in your head already...And then there are the finances - It really sounds like if there were no financial worries, you'd already be separated. Is that correct? In this case, there is not much to consider, clearly only one way forward. I get the money worries, I truly do, but that cannot hold a couple together, your lives will become hell this way. And you only have the one to live.

You need to be emotionally very strong either way here. Stay and you need to be prepared to either put up with this shitty situation forever (and he'll only get worse - they all do. Men who love bomb believe they've earned you and after they've secured you, they think its up to you to pay it back in service value) or else you'll have to work extremely hard, possibly in vain, swimming against his tide to work at improving things. Why should he make any effort - he 'worked' to get you, you now do everything despite his poor behaviour. So getting him to want to change will be hard. Getting him to actually change, nigh on impossible. So, your alternative is to split up/ leave. He'll fight you on everything if you do - wont want to pay. Wont want to care for his child. If you do the breaking up he will bad mouth you and make it your fault. He may beg to reconcile at first but he will turn eventually. They all do. He'll then be busy playing the field and trying to impress another woman to replace the service you provide asap. He'll resent you staying in the marital home and him having to accept lessor accommodation. Or force you out as many MNers have been, kids in tow, forced off to live with parents or in bedsits while hubby drags his heels on buying them out of half the house and complain about having to shoulder the bills. He'll get worse as you fight back against him through child maintenance and the divorce courts. He'll always consider himself the victim. You'll never actually be rid of him because he's your child's father.

Best case scenario? Make a plan and execute it with ruthless efficiency. Open a secret savings account. Squirrel away as much as you can. Spend the next year, or two, planning your exit, getting your ducks in a row, preparing the ground to make single motherhood as bearable as possible. Then press the 'end' button when you are fully prepared.

Thanks both for thr replies.

I dont know how I even left out such an important detail in my OP. But earlier today when I said to him that we should talk later (he knows I mean about our marriage as, despite trying to be in denial, he knows I'm unhappy). This was prompted by him being snappy with our daughter while lying around as usual and not doing anything helpful or constructive in the house. I know I sound so critical and judgey saying that but it's where I'm at. Anything, he tried to shut it down by sighing and saying, 'no, I'm not talking later, etc'.

A little while after this again I again calmly tried to say that once our daughter is in bed we can talk and he said something along the lines of 'I may as well write my (suicide) note then as there's no point in my life. You don't care about me'. This isn't the first time he's said something like this and I did get very annoyed at him and told him that I wasn't going to accept that kind of emotional manipulation (he's not suicidal in general- at least not to my knowledge). He did look upset when he said it, eyes looked a bit watery but I do feel its said in an attempt to shut down the conversation and feel sorry for him. He then sulked, wouldn't talk and is currently upstairs watching the football.