Fighting urge to have compassion for ex h

[Mumto21234]

Separated last summer due to ex H having an EA, while I was pregnant. Once I found out, our marriage ended and he has been stone cold towards me. We live separately, and only see each other for minutes when he comes to pick up kids for a few hours.

However I still find myself wondering if hes ok, after I've seen him and he seems quiet/stressed. I sometimes consider how he is feeling and hope he is ok.

I also have moments of absolute rage and disgust and really try to lean into this.

We were together for a very long time, so I understand that it will take me a while to no longer care, however I am a very empathic person sometimes to my detriment.

Does anyone have any experience/practical tips that might help?

I just want to stop caring so much about him, especially when he seemed to stop caring about me overnight!

It took him longer than overnight to stop caring about you @Mumto21234 . His EA started and continued for longer than a night. While you were pregnant, when he should have been with you all the way his mind was on his dick hoping to be in another woman. Fuck him.

His quiet and stressed appearance is probably a manipulation tactic in order to gain sympathy or in the hope you won't have a go at him. Fuck him again.

It can take some willpower not to be thinking about them. Try and concentrate on things for you and your children. Do things that benefit you when the children are with him, whether that's re-arranging a cushion, having a soak in the bath or going for a walk. If your mind goes towards him when you are walking, go through the alphabet of things you see or find, concentrate on that. When the children are with you, concentrate on them, teach them that alphabet.

Remember, he actively chose to do what he did, he is actively choosing to be cold towards you - he doesn't deserve any of your care.

Is this empathy for him, or is it that you feel bad and want to make yourself feel better by being able to tell yourself that you tried to help? There’s a distinction between the two, and it’s important to recognise it, particularly when you’re prone to ruminating on things.

He might be sad and stressed, he might simply be keeping you at arms length and being distant because he believes that the DC seeing you being chatty and friendly at pickup might give them false hopes about you reconciling. Even if it is the former, there’s nothing you can do about it anyway, you have separate lives now and it’s not appropriate for you to get involved. Try and reframe it that way: it’s not your place to second-guess him and how he may be feeling, he’s an adult and if he needs support he’s perfectly capable of finding that among his friends and family.

If he’s the father of your children then a certain amount of care for his wellbeing seems appropriate. Wanting him to be healthy and not stressed is best for them.
He needs reframing in your mind as “the children’s father” not “my ex-husband”. What he was to you is over and done with.
It could be that “leaning in” to your moments of disgust and rage isn’t helping you. The age-old phrase “the opposite of live isn’t hate, it’s indifference” applies pretty well here. For as long as you hate him, he occupies space in your emotions. The aim is to concentrate on his new role in your life as a co-parent which means you hope he’s fine. You don’t need to wish anymore for him than that.
You can’t force this. It takes as long as it takes, but you can keep in mind that that’s where you want to get to and don’t lean in to hate. That’s too strong.
He’s a disappointment, a let-down, a lesser person than you thought, a lesser person than you deserve, a weak man - reframe him as ‘not up to the job’ of being your partner. It does help in time.

Compassion is a good thing. But starts with self compassion and attention to your own needs. Don't project or focus on him, plan your own new life and happiness.

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference! I heard this on the radio when I was divorcing and it became my objective.

After a long relationship, it is hard not to have that person in one’s head, and when there are things that trigger thoughts, hard to get past them, in my experience. Therapy helped me untangle what I was thinking about and why, and time helps too. In the moment, distraction can also be excellent.

Thanks everyone that has been really helpful.

Aiming for indifference seems like a good goal to have.

I just wish I could disconnect and think less about him/our past. Although it is improving very gradually.

I also have moments of absolute rage and disgust and really try to lean into this.

I just wish I could disconnect

These two are contradictory. As you acknowledge, the goal is indifference.

What I would lean into first is pity. He fucked up and lost you. He probably regrets this in many ways. Feel sorry for him like a colleague would feel sorry for him.