please handhold

[reallyneedhandholdplease]

I don't know why I'm typing this tbh but I need to talk to someone and I don't have anyone IRL. ChatGPT isn't exactly cutting it right now.

My DP & I are heading towards separation. We have wonderful young DC. I loved him with my whole heart. He says he loves me too.

But he is a liar, and has lied our whole relationship. Nearly half my life. I don't want to rehash specifics because honestly they make me sick. I just want someone to say it will be ok. I'm fighting the urge to look for comfort at the source of my pain, because he's always been my person.

Right now I am trying to breathe. We are taking turns caring for the kids while the other falls apart. We're in the same home and will be for the foreseeable.

I've given him time to try work on himself and propose a resolution. I'm letting him lead that, and I'm trying to be open. But honestly I think I might just not want to be the one to shatter our kids lives. He was the cause but I don't want to be the catalyst.

I feel in limbo, but I'm trying to protect myself. I've written him a letter. Very shortly summing up the pain, putting the onus for next steps on him, and clearly laying out my boundaries.

I've set up an individual bank and savings account and redirected my wage out of the joint. I've left our joint savings untouched though it was tempting. Very fucking glad right now I didn't take him up on the offer to be a SAHM. I've redirected my tax back to my own account. I've changed my passwords to protect my privacy right now.

I have no savings, but I've looked at our budget and I can cover bills if we separate finances while we try work things out / if we separate.

I've started looking at childcare if I have to bump back up to full time hours.

I've reached out to my therapist and will have a session in two weeks - the earliest she can do.

Is there anything else practical I can do right now? Or as sad as this sounds can someone just tell me I'll be ok?

It'll be absolutely ok. Not right away.
Right now you are in shock and you are preoccupied with practical steps. As you should be. And you are doing beautifully.
I think, though, that I would take half the joint savings out to your own account. You never know what he might do given his track record of being dishonest.

When all the practicalities are settled, you will likely hit a devastation wall. Your brain will slowly start catching up to reality. You will go through stages of grief and it's quite possible that at some point you will be tempted to give in and take him back. Don't do this. He will only hurt you harder the second time round.

Eventually, a few months from now, you will be ok. More than OK. You life may turn so brilliant that you will consider the end of this relationship to be the best thing that ever happend to you.

Things will be OK, but they won't be OK by accident or by karma. You need to drive your's and your DC's future. Concentrate on what a good future looks like for you and plan and execute every stage.
OP you seem too passive at the moment. Why are you in limbo? You say you have given your DP time to work on himself and propose a solution. What did you expect from that? Clearly his lies are not little white lies. Therefore do not allow your DP to influence your plan or rely on him for any part of your plan.
Take at least 66% of savings (DC's share included). Start planning and acting.

He has caused the end of this relationship to you by lying all the bloody time. He has lied to get himself out of trouble; these types of men never change and it's inbuilt deeply within their pysche. It could be argued you're still propping him up by allowing him to remain there so I would get him gone from the home asap.
You cannot be a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship; neither approach works.

A letter to him will achieve nothing in terms of changing him or making a difference. He could not give a toss frankly about your boundaries. And unsurprisingly you have now had enough. You can teach your children good lessons about relationships in that people do not ever have to stay with liars.

What is the situation re the property; is it jointly rented or is there a mortgage in place?. You dictate the pace, not him. He's had his chances and he's blown them all. Your kids deserve better too.

And getting him out of your day to day life will be the best gift you can give yourself and your kids. Why should they have to see their mother being constantly preoccupied by and or otherwise generally unhappy at the hands of a habitual liar?.

Hi OP. The thing you can add to your list is self compassion - by the bucket load. Treat yourself as you would treat a person you absolutely love. Rest, good food and treats. Do not ‘should’ yourself and if you find yourself saying what you ‘should’ (or should not) do, gently move away from that line of thoughts.

It will all be ok, I promise. It will just take time.

I’ve done this. You’re in for probably a very unsettling time but it sounds like you’re getting all your ducks in a row. In the end I was the one that called time and my teenage kids found it very upsetting. However, two years on and with the dust settling they can see that it was necessary.
Trust your instincts, keep records of conversations, sleep on important decisions and keep your dignity. You can do this and will feel so much better and stronger on the other side .

Thank you all. I think I needed the compassion and gentle common sense in the same measure. Very very shaken.

I suppose I feel in limbo because I still have hope. Which is quite frankly stupid. I would like to think marriage counselling would save us. Not repair us to the blissful happiness I had when I was ignorant, but maybe give us something half worth fighting for. If that fails, I want to be able to hold my head up and tell the DC I tried.

I don't know how to kill the hope.

I find it hard to think to the future because I was building the one I wanted for me and the DC. Happy, healthy, two loving parents modelling a good marriage, financially comfortable, nice house. But I can still give them my best even if it's not 'the best'.

We own our home, married and mortgage. We're outside of UK, in a country that usually is 50/50 slightly more in the mothers favour. No legal minimum for maintenance - it's very much in the father's discretion. I make too much to qualify for financial aid but I have a solid permanent income.

I have screenshots of everything. I also have access to his finances and records.

Hope isn’t something that can be killed I’m afraid, however it will fade slowly, slower than you realise until one day you realise that it’s not there anymore.

A large part of your journey is grief. Grieving for the life you could have had, the things you could have done etc. I am very much in this place and suspect I will be for a while to come.

From a practical point of view you seem to be well covered. Keep posting here for support and we woll
carry you through this. MN has and will continue to be a sanctuary for all of us at times of need.

I don't think you need to be able to tell the children you tried. Your husband has not kept his promise. You will probably not want them to be aware of what happened, they might never want to know the fine details. I agree that the loss of a relationship can feel like or indeed be grief. Peace will come eventually. It will take some time, but your new normal can be pleasant. Good luck OP

I agree op, hope and love are hard to kill- even when your head knows the truth.

I was in a similar situation ( ex had severe mental illness) . I saw a great saying on here… vote with your feet and your heart will follow….

a few years down the line me and the kids are safe and living a calm life . Hope and love still exist but fade day by day .

good luck op. You are strong and brave and doing the right thing . Make a calm, safe and truthful place for you and DC.

You've had great advice already OP but I just wanted to add, I think you have to see it as short term vs long term pain and heartache. Yes it's hard and painful living through the separation and coming to terms with the reality of who he is and where that has taken your marriage, but it's so much harder and more painful being in a long term relationship where there's no trust and you have to question everything he says.

Thank you all. I do feel drowning in grief right now. I think he is too, and I am trying to stop myself acting on compassion for him. I keep telling myself I can act compassionately without letting it guide my actions if that makes sense.

They're so young, and the youngest is still BFing. I now have no plans for weaning in case that makes a difference in custody - it's meant to up until 2 in my country. I obviously want their dad involved but I have no idea of knowing how this will go and don't want to give up any advantage. Even typing that kills me because we've always been a team I thought, and now it feels so twisted.

I am trying to plan for each scenario but the hope is going to die a slow death because I just can't squash it.

One poster said I need to get him out - legally I can't. Practically I also can't. I need to rearrange my work schedule and won't be able to cancel this week's travel. Typically I have very flexible hours but the timing is trash. I also checked and taking half the savings is frowned upon in or court. I've cancelled all non essentials from the joint account, and am only spending from my account unless it directly is for the DC.

It sounds to me like you are coping really well @reallyneedhandholdplease. You are grieving for the marriage you thought you had and grief is not something you can completely control. Take each day as it comes and let it out when you need to.

Thank you @moderate. I feel like I have a good grasp on the practical, and I'm trying to regain financial security.

The emotional - not so much. If I saw someone in my situation I would tell them to leg it. But I feel like a stray dog going back to the person who kicked it. Right now I'm trying to follow some rules I set myself, to keep my sanity.

• stop asking him questions about this. It isn't helping my headspace. Writing them all down and asking in one fell swoop at the end of the week if I still want too.
• accept that I can't control the next steps - unless I leave now. That's really tempting tbh, to have that certainty of course, but I want to think through my moves properly before I make them.
• stop offering hope to him or myself. Just breathe through this stage, and see what comes of it.
• thinking about what I want vs what I'd accept. I don't want or accept his current behaviour. I probably would accept a less than perfect marriage, but what would the minimum I'd accept be. I hate that I have to think that.

This is very cathartic but I might delete this thread soon - I feel like I need my own thoughts straighter before I hear others. His included!

I actually think you're doing extremely well emotionally too @reallyneedhandholdplease.

To be cogent enough to be drawing the distinctions you're making and not rushing into hasty decisions after being lied to half your life is, to my mind, impressive.

I am usually a bit anxious when someone deletes the thread, wondering how they eventually fared, but from what you've written here I think you're clearly strong enough to work out the best course of action, and to take it.

All the very best to you. I hope you have better luck in future.