Dad just not interested in his kids

[HettiSpaghettii]

Im on the verge of having to have a word for the second time. I have two kids - 10 & 15 and me and their dad got divorced last year, he moved out to a one bedroom house, kids with me 100%. Some of the reasons we split is because i couldn’t tolerate his daily drinking (he still worked and held down a steady job), he wasn’t interested in doing stuff with his boys. His life revolves around planning weekends away with mates, drinking and rugby. Never took his boys for a kick around on the park etc. it was always left to me. The kids are fully aware of how useless he is from seeing him with their own eyes, ive never once said anything bad about him. Tbh they really arent arsed about seeing him.

when we split up, i said every other weekend, he could have kids to do something with them daytime. Were friendly and get on ok still. Yeah that was agreed. Then nothing. Id say oh are you seeing the kids next weekend? Hed say no ive got plans/skint etc. ok so id try to put it in place following weekend. Its impossible. He would pop in on a saturday morning 20 mins as he goes for a haircut at a place nearby. Cant stop as hes got a lot to do. But what about the kids. I ended up telling him he needs to step up. Yeah yeah i will. Promising the kids he would take them out to various places. Here we are again….this weekend i was hoping he would take them for the day. No text or anything. Id like a break. Its hard to plan my own life around this. How do i approach this again? We have nothing official in place via the divorce as we said we would sort between us. Why is he so useless??!

You can't force him to take your children.

They aren't babies, why can't you plan your own life?

If you keep trying to force a man that doesn't want anything to do with your children, the children are going to start to feel you want rid of them. Stop trying and plan weekends with your children.

Pretty simple, always go through the correct and right channels. Court order is your first thing, have it all written out, contact child maintenance and let them know that you have them full time which will increase his payments. Plan your life as if he doesn't exist. Why would you want your children to be associated with someone who couldn't care less about them? He is not exactly setting a good role model. Once he's mature enough and put his priorities right, which is his children comes first, then he can see them again.

Your title says it all - he's not interested in his kids. You now have two choices:

1. keep trying to persuade him to be interested in his own children while ignoring the clear fact that he's not interested in his own children, or

2. Accept that he's not interested in his children and so plan your life around that reality while also supporting your children while they realise their dad doesn't give a shit

Which of those do you want to do?

Im 100% here for my kids and always have been. Ive had to be both mum and dad. Hes been useless the whole way through. I feel so sad that hes more interested in his mates/social activities than his own children. I was picking my son up from his friends house and the dad was talking about taking his son to a football match the following day. My son would love to do that and it made me sad to think - well his own dad does this, just wouldn’t cross his mind to take his child with him. We do have court ordered child maintenance which he begrudges paying! 🤦🏻‍♀️

yeah i guess its time for me to accept he just cba with them. Sad

It sounds like something is troubling him that must be addressed through counseling.

Unfortunately, he has always been a useless dad and a selfish arsehole so not sure why you're expecting him to change and step up? He won't and you can't force him to. It's really unfair and means you don't get a break 😕

In a few years time your youngest will be old enough to be more independent and you will be able to have more time to yourself hopefully.

If he hasn’t been interested in his children in the last 15 years you talking to him isn’t going to make him step up.

My children’s dad was like this. Hard as it was, at your children’s ages op I had to let them make their own arrangements with him and find out for themselves how unreliable he was. There was no saving them from the pain of rejection. Had I forbid them to see him entirely that wouldn’t have helped.
It’s a really difficult situation and not one you can shield them from, they’ll find out either way.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and it's never been with you or his children either. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. His mates are all drinking buddies and or alcoholics like he is and alcoholics are so extremely selfish (as you are seeing).

You need to catch up emotionally. Your kids already have the measure of him and do not need or now actually want him in their day to day lives. You've written they are really not asked about seeing him. And they see all your reactions, both spoken and unspoken, to him. Their deadbeat dad begrudges paying child maintenance for his children.

I would start divorce proceedings asap or you will be in this codependent cycle with him for the rest of your days. Get off the merry go around and put yourself and your kids front and centre when it comes to your lives now, not him. Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when he and you are fully separated. Alcoholism is not called the family disease without good reason; all of the family members are affected by the alcoholic.

You can’t make him change his ways. Only he can do that, and he has to want to first. He doesn’t. He is definitely predictable! No different now to when you divorced. As a mum of 3, 15/17/20, with a difficult ex, I can only try to encourage you to be the best version of yourself. 10 is still tricky in terms of you getting time alone. I noticed my children becoming much more independent after 12 (girls) and 14 (boy). Your 15 yo should be a lot easier. If they are responsible enough, you can take a few hours off and go out without the children when you need a break. Self care is key. You can pamper yourself, have a spare TV so you can watch alone whilst kids watch something else, go for walks etc. Are there any clubs nearby that kids can use, this will also give you a short break. And absolutely, as per previous poster, do fun activities together, they don’t have to cost much. Look up free things to do locally, buy a family train pass and go places together, even if just there and back with a homemade picnic. Make good memories for your children. In conclusion, 1/ he’s not going to change his ways you can ask him all you like 2/ get yourself feeling better and doing things for yourself whenever you can 3/ do fun things together to make nice memories. Before you know it, the kids will be grown up and you’ll have a continued and great relationship with them.

He won't change. Are there any mentoring schemes in your area?

To be honest, he just sounds like a useless selfish bastard.

Unfortunately @HettiSpaghettii the time may have come to accept this reality and plan to do nice stuff at the weekend with your boys instead. So disappointing but it really is his loss. One day he may realise what a tit he’s made of it all but don’t waste your headspace waiting for that to come to pass.