Too late to improve sex life?

[Onekidnoclue]

im 47. Dh same age. Sex has always been pretty rubbish for me. I’ve never said anything but after 15 years of putting up with it I’ve said no and we’ve not had sex for four months. He has asked why not and I keep putting the conversation off. I am awful at talking about stuff and he takes any slight negative feedback extremely poorly. Especially from me. I have no idea what to do or say. I’m thinking of just gritting my teeth and doing it just to avoid the conversation. He’s overweight which is a turn off and any hints I’ve dropped over the years have fallen on deaf ears. Wincing when he does something I don’t like asking him to stop doing something in particular etc. I had a very high sex drive when we met and loved sex with boyfriends before. I have no clue how to improve things. Please help. Also. Yes. I know I’m being a bit pathetic.

You are not pathetic but you do need to start having conversations with him. Not hinting but fully constructed sentences about specific concerns.
Accept the fact that he will be defensive. I'd be too if I just learned that my partner put up with shit sex for 15 years without once bringing it up. If both of you get on board with an open conversation, great. Chances are all of this is salvageable. If not, then you either accept a sexless marriage or divorce.

You need an outside the bedroom conversation about your ( joint) sex life - start by as asking how he feels about it - maybe don’t mention the 15 year thing- maybe lead with you.not enjoying it more recently and go from there

Agree you need to talk it out or it will be the end of everything. I don’t know about the weight thing, I’ve put on weight and if dh ever said anything to me I’d be paranoid forevermore

If he's put the weight on latterly, you can use that as an excuse - a "way in" to the conversation without telling him he's been shit at sex for 15 years - because if so, losing weight is something he can achieve if he puts his mind to it.

If he's always been overweight then I fear you've kinda dug yourself in and you'll probably need a relationship counsellor.

Thank you. I love him and want us to be together. I kind of felt like I was taking one for the team but not saying anything about the sex. Like i thought i was being kind not saying anything bad.

I think I’ve really dug myself into a hole. I thought I could just put up with it as he was very happy with the sex and i was happy with the rest of the relationship and I do love him. I think I’ve been very naive/stupid.

Think you're going to have to be honest about his weight..It's not easy having to negotiate someone when they're overweight plus it can't be easy for him.
Also maybe buy a book with sections that say what women like/what men like etc ro give him a few hints if you're not able to tell him directly. Otherwise there's sexual therapy/counselling which may need to be further down the line as saying now might be a bit of a shock for him.
Do the shit sandwich approach-say something good then the negative thing then the good thing so that it doesn't sound like you're totally unhappy in your relationship which you said you're not. If he realises it's coming from a good place and you want to work on it together then hopefully he'll not take it too harshly.
No, I don't think it's too late but it won't be easy.

I don't think him losing weight will fix this. Partly because it's pretty difficult and he may not be able or want to do it. Partly because sex with him has always been bad and you haven't had the kind of conversations about making it better ages ago, so there's no basis from which to start. It's a bomb to drop in there that you don't enjoy sex with him.

I'd probably tell another lie to try to open up the conversation- I'd say I'm peri and things don't feel the same, and start thinking about things you do like- shoulder massages, foot massages, and go from there. That way you can start asking for different things without starting the conversation with 'you've been a bit crap these past 15 years' which would crush anyone.

Hard conversations about the whole relationship are probably needed, about intimacy in general (like hugging and kissing) and about sex as part of that.

If you've never actually communicated to him what you want, then you're a co creator of this situation. He is not a mind reader ; it's never too late to try to change, but expect him to be extremely annoyed you've not directly addressed the issue before.

This is extremely unkind in the long term. Sorry

I would ignore the past tbh and start from today.

Tell him you love him and want to be together. But your body is responding differently and you would like something new from your sex life.

The weight… either you can find a way past it or you can’t. People’s bodies change and if you want to be with him you need to put a different mindset on. Do you do anything (else) physical together? Walking, gym, dancing, padel, cycling? Maybe it’s time to start? Maybe you can tell him you’d feel sexier with the blood flowing and spending more time together - most of us do.

Talking about sex should be sexy in my view. Texting him if you’re turned on, describing fantasies or at least ideas, memories (particularly if they’re memories of him). Letting go of what is holding you back.

You can't make it about the weight! What if he loses weight - he still won't be good in bed!! And stop dropping hints. Communicate properly and tell him what to do / not do.