Triggered by ex, wise words anyone?

[RandomSuitors]

Immediately post-divorce I had a relationship with a friend that didn’t work out, and we’ve been trying to be on ok terms since as we have the same circle. The main reason it didn’t work out is that it we lived in different cities and he was one of those men with lots of female friends who he’d go for dinner and outings with, which I don’t really find appropriate in a relationship— not least because that’s how I’d met him too. It was hurtful.

Anyway, now I’ve moved on and am with someone nice who has the same expectations as me and lives locally. I saw ex, had a friendly conversation, into which he dropped that he’d gone for an outing with one of my old friends (a woman). She is married, and given our relationship problem/how I felt about these outings during it, it was really triggering. I know I need to let it go, but does anyone have any wise words or help?

I would take a step back from him. Think of him more as an acquaintance and background in your group. It sounds like he enjoys the drama, being the centre of attention, the women. My bet is that you’re not the first woman in your circle he’s ‘bagged’ and he may actually be circling to try to get other women into bed including the married woman. My advice is to think that you’ve had a lucky escape.

Thanks, yes, these friendships do sometimes end up with the woman falling for him and when he’s been interested and single he’s sometimes gone for it. I hate it and hated it when we were together. He is in an acquaintance role but we have the same wider circle. You’ve made me think, though: I’ve kept my distance from his friends, while he wants to take mine ‘for a walk and a pub lunch’. I don’t know how you can be a 50 year old man insisting these aren’t dates ffs! Or a married woman going on them. The whole thing gives me an ick.

He likes the ego stoke of the roster. That’s all. I would say it to the friend “Oh James was regaling me about how he’s added you to his list of ‘really close’ female friends. He does love that roster of his, doesn’t he?”

If you're happy and in a new relationship, why does it bother you what he does? Just avoid having conversation with him if/when you see him.

Thanks. It doesn’t bother me like that. More I felt triggered and upset by the memory and wanted a few reassuring responses about it— like anonymous big sisters!

I’ve just remembered as well another element. This friend has done this before wifh one of my other ex boyfriends from pre-divorce! Made friends with him and had lunch etc. Just why? To both of their behaviour.

I think you should be pleased with your own discernment, and ability to place and keep boundaries. You could have had a drawn out, extended attempt to change him or to learn to put up with him. Instead you’ve identified the problem, decided it won’t work, and moved on.

And frankly, he’s a manipulative arse. You were fresh from divorce and vulnerable. He should have been no where near, given that he’s a player. Some people like living in the flirtation era, lots of friends and a wile we/won’t we vibe. There’s what feels like emotional closeness but I think it’s pretty superficial. I had friends like this as a teenager. We were super close and supportive, but it was in no way an adult relationship. We were just working out how relationships work. Practising.

I’m not a one-woman ‘make new connections’ portal!

He’s using you as fodder for his personal soap opera. If this was midsommer murders, he’d come to a sticky end!

Thank you, this really helps. That’s exactly what he’s like. A large handful of will we won’t we situations. I feel ashamed and naive to have taken it seriously coming out of my divorce and to have spent some time trying to make a proper relationship of it. Ashamed to have mistaken the gesture he was making.

Don't be ashamed. He preyed on you when you were vulnerable. His behaviour says more about him than it does about you. He sounds really immature and a bit narcissistic. Main character syndrome perhaps? Got to be involved in everything and everyone by the sound of it. My bet is he’s doing the will we, won’t we dance with a bunch of other women. It sounds as if he gets off on the thrill of the chase rather than an actual relationship.

It’s really helpful to read these comments. My exh was a pure narcissist so maybe I picked someone similar but less bad as my first attempt afterwards. I’m seeing him in a new light now.

I think you’re right, thanks.

Why? Because she is a treacherous bitch!

She’s quite newly married. The mind boggles how any of them think this makes a
good relationship.

Some people are just messy. Best to avoid them as much as you can. He sounds like a guy who puts all the women in his romantic life in the :just seeing" zone. That's his right, but he should have been more sensitive to you as you were obviously vulnerable and he knew it. Says more about him than you.
As for the newly married woman, stay clear. That way you don't get dragged into any drama.