When is enough enough?

[Jellybean1974]

Sorry - it's a long one! Don't know where to start really. Husband is causing me such heartache right now. It's been on and off for years really but his drinking has really got to the point that I feel like we can't go on.

Don't get me wrong - great guy, everyone loves him, my family love him and when sober, other than being lazy with housework/chores and long periods of no work (self-employed), he's mostly great.

But - a while ago he got caught in possession of cocaine. Blew my mind. I'd had no idea this was going on. Turns out it had been a couple of years!! Building up to that, he'd been sneaking to the pub on a daily basis "just for two pints on the way home". That was bad enough - lying to me and our son about where he was going, what he was doing and then getting home and having another can and being incapable of anything more than eating then sleeping. We barely saw him sober. We definitely came very close to ending wjen the cocainething happened. We would have if he'd had somewhere to go, but he didn't and as much as I hated him at the time, I couldn't put him out on the street. Anyway, we kind of got through that, he's stopped the cocaine (i have drug test kits at home now) and the sneaking to the pub every day (although that's probably because he doesn't have a car atm, not out of some improvement in attitude.) But we've been "trying".

There's still the binge drinking though, sneaking a bottle of spirits into the other room when going to watch football etc, getting drunk when on his own etc. Even if we go out together he gets way more drunk than anyone else. I'll be having a conversation with our friends and he'll be stumbling around (we both drink pints, and as far as i know, nothing else in the pub and we drink at same pace). It's embarrassing and I know it's a problem. I know he needs help. But I feel like I've actually put up with enough now, made enough sacrifices, had enough heartache. I'm tired. I don't want the marriage to end, I just want him to stop it. What can I do?

You can’t do anything. He won’t change because he doesn’t want to.

Al Anon 3 Cs apply here I think. You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. You can’t cure it.

Apart from the drugs and alcohol (which would both be deal breakers for me) he brings nothing else to the table. Not money, not a contribution to the household, nothing. He’s just a “great guy”. That wouldn’t be enough for me I’m afraid.

Here's the thing - you can't make him stop. Only he can want to stop and it doesn't sound like he does. All you can do is decide when you've had enough.

Get in contact with Al-Anon for support.

It’s enough. He’s got a drinking problem. He’s definitely drinking more than you in the pub either by buying shots at the bar, quickly drinking his pint and buying a new one so it looks the same, or drinking in the toilet.

im the child of an alcoholic and have always wondered why my alcoholic parent’s needs were put above my own.

being the child of an alcoholic can affect you for life.

So not only is he an alcoholic, even when he's sober her's useless at home, and doesn't step up by contributing financiall ybecause he's often out of work? i'm guessing that the cocaine incident when he was job-free too hence you felt you couldn't kick him out?

It's really not clear to me what he brings to the relationship. If I just want someone who is fun to be around, I've got half a dozen friends who meet that criteria. I expect a lot more from my actual relationship and the father of my children.

I'm sorry OP but I see no reason why you wouldn't end it. Any ONE of these issues would be enogh of a reason. I suspect however, that the drinking is hiding other behaviours. The very fact that HIS behaviour is awful but you feel you have to let him stay as he has no where else to go screams "emotionally manipulative" partner to me and I suspect that there are 1000 other examples that you probably don't even notice. eg you're default carer for your DS aren't you? He does what he wants, goes where he wants and you're in charge. If you want to get a break, I bet that involves lots of negotiation and planning on yoru side (obviously x1000 if there's alcohol abuse concerns too).

Ditto, I bet you hold all the financial load and yet... do you feel you have to "let" him mae decisions on finances or spend money on himself becuase you have to protect his ego because he feels so sad that he's not contributing more/can't work more/doesn't have a good job? When he's out of work, is he the victim? he can't look for work because he doesn't know how/he's too depressed/he's waiting to hear back from Jack about that amazing job he's definitely going to get....?

If you're sad, angry, tired do you have to hide it in case it triggers him? Do you cover for him with friends and family (not just in the context of alcohol) by over defending his choices/his work/his attitude/his behaviour?

Any of this ring bells or make you think of something different but similar?

Well it would have been enough for me when he was caught in possession of cocaine.

Or when I realised he was lazy around the house and unreliable financially.

Or when he was permanently drunk.

So, yeah, I'd say you ran past 'enough' a long time ago and just kept on going.

If that makes it any easier to see whether enough is enough for you now (it should be).

.

OP

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?.

Your marriage is over already in all but name because his primary relationship is with drink, not you and it's never been with you either.

Like so many posts of this type it is mainly about the alcoholic.

You can only help your own self ultimately, he does not want your help or support.

You've played out the usual roles associated with such spouses re him; namely those of codependent partner, enabler and provoker (because you never forget).

Let him go. You and he should not be together now end of. Propping him up does not help him or you. Only he can decide to stop drugs and the drinking and the fact is he does not want to . You cannot make him seek the necessary help; the will to do so has to come from him and he alone.

Your own recovery from his alcoholism will only properly start when you and he are apart. It is not called the family disease without good reason because all of those associated with the alcoholic are affected. He is no decent man to you nor father figure to your son. Your son certainly does not warrant such a figure in his day to day life.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you see similar re drink and drugs when you were growing up?.

You've been trying/enabling him for too long and what you have tried has not worked. Letting him go will work. You can only help your own self ultimately.

You have a choice re this man and your child does not. Make better choices with you and he in mind, not your drunkard.