Am I the problem?

[Pawprintheart]

DH and I have been together for 6 years. I have an independent aged DC who lives with us full time.

We both work full time, my hours are 9-5 but his are different lengths based on what days he has his kids, so he will finish early on the days he has them and later on days he doesn’t.

On his early finish days with the kids he takes them to clubs and activities so isn’t home till later. We are both really busy.

This means that some of the week I would finish work a couple hours before him, or when I finish work he’s already at an activity with kids and not home.

I often clean the house while he is at work when I get in and do our laundry, but also I have a gym/exercise routine that I do try to not inconvenience everyone by. For example, 3-4 days a week I get up early before everyone else and go for a run (sorting out our pets first). I also check with him if he minds if I go he always says it’s fine.

Monday night I go to a class while he is out
Tuesday evening I will pop to the gym for 30 mins before picking up a child from a class nearby then go home.
Thursday evening I do a class but this mainly is because he used to go to the gym on this day, but he’s stopped going.
Sunday morning class really early before anyone else is up

Yesterday I felt conscious I hadn’t spent much time with him recently as he was very quiet, so I told him I cancelled my class and cleaned the house and cooked him dinner for when he got home. All whilst I was not feeling 100% (virus)

This morning I didn’t feel very well At all and decided to take a sick day. He slept in late, leaving me to do the pets. His alarm never went off so I had to wake him up. He asked if I was going to work, I said no but he didn’t ask me anything else or speak. Then he messed about on his phone for ages, got up and tried to give me a peck on the cheek to say bye and I didn’t respond to it as I was trying to sleep. He was all offended by this so I said it was a bit irksome for me that I felt taken for granted, he knew I didn’t feel great and still left me to get up to do the pets, slept in late, didn’t even ask me if I was ok or needed anything?

His main response was that I just had a cold and am ‘never home’ because I am always out doing my own thing. wtf? I don’t even think he is being mean on purpose to some extent, it’s just like he doesn’t notice me, or anything I do?

I explained he hasn’t even asked after me and what was wrong, which I would do of him or anyone else and I found it rude.

He stomped off then came back and slammed a drink down on my bedside table then went to work

I suppose I am out a lot but I try quite hard to choose times when it’s not eating into our couple time so I get up early before him and I always ask him. No one is waiting around for me to get home, my DC does their own thing nowadays. He hates exercise and never wants to do it, I’ve asked him to come with me but he doesn’t want to. We always spend weekends together but I’m pretty sure I pull more weight in the house than he does although he will deny this is true.

Just feeling a bit sorry for myself today I think

He was out of order to not show more caring while you’re ill.

apart from that, I don’t think either of you are wrong, but you’re not communicating with each other. Unless you start to communicate better, you’ll probably find your relationship in difficulty.

from what I understand, you didn’t tell him you were going to skip a class, clean, cook etc. so that was a bit martyr-ish. You didn’t tell him you were Ill this morning, so he didn’t know to deal with the pets because you usually do it.

as I say, a caring husband should have behaved with more kindness to you today. So he’s not without fault. and you not sharing your thoughts is hardly crime if the century.

but maybe you shouldn’t be thinking about how to apportion blame, but working out (together) how to strengthen your communication.

I hope a restful day today will put you back on track health wise.

You both sound ridiculously busy. Ships that pass in the night really you go out when he's in, although maybe not up yet, he's out when you're in. Slow down a bit and find time to spend together.

Are you doing all the housework and cooking?

@Gazelda he knew I didn’t feel well and he also knows I cancelled to spend time with him. I asked him if he had plans as I would cancel my own class to spend it with him. I then felt worse as the evening went on but he came home to a clean house and dinner. I always check with him before attending any class whether it’s ok with him.

I do most of the housework but not all the cooking. I always get up first with our pets every day of the week.

I feel like I have to sacrifice my hobby to be home more which would mean I am doing even more household chores to be honest rather than quality time together

Ah, I’m sorry I misunderstood. In that case, he should definitely have been more considerate.

I go back to my point though - you don’t seem to communicate well. And you shouldn’t have to ask to go out.

But maybe talk to each other and see if you’re both happy with the current setup?

at the moment, You l sound like 2 people who live in the same house rather than a romantic partnership.

You both spend a lot of time coming and going doing your own things. Can you pick one week night when he doesn’t have his kids and call it date night? He can’t give up one of his evenings with his kids so it will have to be an evening when he doesn’t have them.

We always have Friday night together and every other Saturday night. We just don’t see each other as much M/T/T as we both busy. I also do not do anything Wednesday night to keep that free as well

I just felt really uncared for sometimes, he doesn’t like me being unwell tbh. I don’t want to be unwell either but throwing my hobby back in my face feels unfair

It sounds like you're living two completely separate lives under the same roof.

You do four classes a week, he has his kids several days a week, but none of it seems to overlap into anything like a family. It's a very odd set-up.

when You’re feeling better, why don’t you map out both of your weekly calendars and see what can be switched/shifted to make a little more time for each other?

you make time to exercise outside of the home 7+ times per week. Add in your FT work and a child, there’s not much time spare. Equally, he works FT and seems to be a dad committed to pulling his weight with his children. Anyone can see that the time you have together is being sacrificed. You’ve recognised this and made a conscious effort to spend yesterday evening with him. Unfortunately this coincided with coming down with a virus.

can you stretch to a cleaner or outsourcing any chores so that the time you’re both at home is more relaxed?

could you sacrifice one early morning run per week so that you wake up together and snuggle before the day starts?

you seem to resent sacrificing your hobby, but when you add it up, it does amount to quite a bit of time every day. Although I admire your commitment!