Rebuff exBFs friendly advances?

[2sayornot2say]

I'll keep it very short!

20 years ago, had a relationship with a guy. It lasted around 4-5 years, started when I was 21/22. He was a bit older.

We split quite badly, and completely unnecessarily so. He contrived a situation to hugely embarrass, belittle and humiliate me. Of course, this was quite obvious, and people thought quite lowly of him for it, but it was sexual in nature and so I still felt quite a sting. It was very exposing and yuk. There are others things I could say he did over those four years, but you get the measure of the man.

It turns out we now have children of a similar age and last week I find myself standing in proximity to him at a kids activity. Totally shocked and surprised. I tried to talk to other parents, but he made a beeline for me and started talking to me in a 'catch up' type of way. I wasn't giving much back, but he seemed to be enjoying it. This week he called out to me but I pretended to not hear / be on the phone.

He will find a space to come up and chat to me. I want to say to him 'the last time I interacted with you, you did X, I don't want to talk to you'. It'll probably not stop there, I know. But i cant stand that he thinks we are ok.

How would you deal with it? I don't want to have to keep pretending i'm on the bloody phone for the next 8 weeks of the term! He acts like we're friends, calls my child 'buddy'. I' just so triggered by it.

Say you remember what he did and will not be keeping it a secret for him and to get away from you and your child.
Loudly.

I would deal with it exactly how you said above. Jog on, we're not friends and don't you dare talk to me or approach me again. Some times you do need to have an awkward or uncomfortable conversations. I would rather have that than a knot in my chest, anxiety etc.

Tell him to fuck off and leave you alone (in a low voice if you're in a public place with children) You don't have to accommodate him in any way or be polite.

A simple statement 'stay away from me and my child' . Then ignore, don't engage. If he approaches you, walk away. Don't be afraid to make this boundary, you don't need to explain anything, he knows what he did. If anyone asks what's going on, just tell them, he's an ex, he behaved disgracefully and you want nothing to do with him. You don't owe him anything and you don't need to be polite or hide anything on his behalf.

This is what I’d do . I wouldn’t be able to help myself it would just come out .

I know.

yesterday i stood for an hour in the rain rather than sit anywhere near him on sheltered seats provided for parents....

I wish i had done that the first week. Instead I just stood there listening to him, not wanting to make a scene, mostly for my child. Now he probably thinks I want to chat. His children have been at this club for a while so he knows people there and they all probably think he's good bloke. Aaarrrgghhhh. I'm the newbie.

Kicking myself for last week. I was just so shocked. Literally had not seen him since the 'incident'. Just found myself standing there feeling discombobulated, not really quite able to compute, remembering all sorts I'd stored away.

We all react to things differently and it's always easier said than done no matter how little it is for some people, to others it's a huge thing. Standing in the rain for an hour though is terrible. If you're scared or worried about confronting him, best thing is ear buds and clod shoulder and eventually he will get the message. What will work like a charm though, is if you do have a partner, for him to go with you one day, shake his hand, introduce himself, tell him he knows what he's done and to not get anywhere near you.

Thank you.

My DH did say he'd take our child from now on. I said I'd think about it (It requires a shorter working day for him). But this sounds like an idea, actually. Thx

I hope that works. He really is a twat. And he has proved that people do not change. Good luck - and well done DH

Unfortunately for the kid I’d cancel the activity and find a replacement activity. I could not be in the vicinity (20 years later) of someone who was cruel to me. It’s not worth the headache. I wouldn’t be starting a ‘fuck off’ type conversations because I’d keep reliving it however it plays out, and I don’t want that going around in my brain.
Remove yourself from the situation.

it's not like because you listened to him babble on the first week that now means you have to accept it for the next eight.

You can still say "I am not interested in you or being your friend" (or similar to what people said above) on week 2, or 3 or even 7.

It isnt like it has to be done on week 1 or never.

Assuming you strongly want your child to remain at this group, you could say that you remember the cruel thing he did to you and do not want to chat (though as a PP flagged that conversation could end in a really irritating way). Or you could let your husband take your son if you can make that work. If the group is important, then i would probably go for the latter option so it is as low drama as possible.

Stop blaming yourself for not telling him to sod off at the first encounter. You weren’t expecting to see him. Agree with pps. Tell him you don’t have amnesia and don’t want to be friends.

You're so right.

In my head I would loved to have been that live wire who said what I wanted to at the time, because I certainly felt it!

I just felt so constrained being around my little one, his little ones. Seeing mummy have a go at a 6 foot 4 man might have scared my little one to bits. Didn't want that.

Thanks so much everyone!

Please don't do this. Take up the space you need to take up. Simply say exactly what you said you wanted to say: Last time we met you did X and I lost all respect for you because of it. You don;t need to say anything else, But nor should you ever curtail your plans or inconvenience yourself in any way to accommodate his presence. learn to act as if he is invisible. It's empowering.