DH, intimacy.

[MopATopsShop]

Firstly we have been together a very long time. When we have sex its always really good but I am perimeno, have a wealth of health issues and am just a bit 'over it'even though I am early 40s.

DH is the one to initiate 95% of the time, when we are in bed.

The problem for me is I don't have an on/off switch like him. I feel like I need some anticipation, some build up. Sone cheekiness through the day.

Last night I had a rude dream about DH. Usually I would keep it to myself but he was sat in the living room and i went and sat on his lap and was giving him kisses on the cheek and on the neck and he said 'that how you kiss the dog' it was like quick succsesional pecks like I do to the dog, just being silly/playful. I sort of laughed and said I had a rude dream about you last night. He just didnt reply.

I felt stupid an embarrassed (I am AuAdhd and hve pda issues) and i felt rejected so i just walked to the kitchen, he could see i was upset so he was like 'whats wrong?'

He wants to have sex a lot of nights but i feel like If i try to initiate any sexy banter i get ignored (he is autistic too!) And then sometimes he says he wishes inwould initiate more but honestly if i ever try to be rude/cheeky/sexy its like it doesn't register with him and i just feel stupid. So I dont ever do it?

I don't want it to come across as he has no interest in me because he is always telling my im beautiful and wants to have sex but i dont know, it just feels upsetting somehow and I don't know if its my ND.

When he came in the kitchen he must have put 2 and 2 together and said 'what was your dream about'but the moment had passed and inwould have just felt stupid saying it outloud stood in kitchen, as oppsed to sitting on his lap after giving him some neck kisses. Does that make sense?

I am also feeling very unconfident right now as I have been unwell so went and cut all my hair off into a pixie cut to manage it better but i feel very old/matronly and i think that is affecting me too

No advice but I really feel for you. It’s lovely that your DH obviously finds you so attractive. Have a talk about the situation with the dream phrasing it in a non confrontational way and maybe making a joke of it. Has he ever seen you give the dog kisses on it’s neck like that?! What sort of kisses does DH like?

I have talked to him about it before but I think that his autism means he needs very hard (excuse the pun) examples of interest before he realises I am flirting or trying to.
I've suggested things like (slightly) sexy photos through the day and he said 'why would I send you a photo when I'm right downstairs '

If I was more direct (just touched him physically and intimately) he would think Inwanted to have sex right then and there. But I'm talking about just flirting and kissing and being a bit sexy theoughout the day which would make me more likely to want sex at bedtime.

But its like he doesn't get it, at all.

Have you tried something that is less open to interpretation like approaching him wearing lingerie? It sounds like he wouldn’t be knocking you back. It’s lovely that he tells you that you are beautiful so that should hopefully make you feel more confident. The issues of not reading each other is the problematic thing here.

If i did that at night there would be no hesitation but I'm not talking about initiating sex. I'm talking about being more playful and romantic in our day to day lives to help me want to have sex more.

Im unlikely to get to 9pm and want to put lingerie on adter a normal day

I think you should tell him exactly what you’ve told mr here.
i agree, if my partner and I touch alot during the day and are playful it helps build connection and anticipation . I’m on the other spectrum of peri where I am horny all the time lol so while all the contact during the day is great, I can equally flip a switch and be ready to want sex if my partner initiates it. But I get what you are saying and it’s not at all unreasonable as it’s what you need to feel desired more than words of affirmation.

I get what you mean op, you're not asking for advise on initiating sex (like 'walking up to him in lingerie') you're wanting your husband to understand it's nice to have a build up and some affection/flirting etc and anticipation that gets you in the mood for the main event!! I also feel like this, and I'm guilty of being quite passive aggressive and not communicating directly about what I want, but to be fair I have tried before being very direct and saying exactly what I'm missing and it didn't really last more than a couple days 🤣I do think that some men just don't get that need for a build up or see a need for flirting when in a long term relationship; mine has appeared confused when I've tried to flirt as he's like why do we need to we've been together for ages 🙄🙄😭 it's shit!! I don't want to have to say goodbye to all the fun stuff and take each other for granted just because we've been together a few years. And I find it difficult to get right into sex at bedtime when all day we've been talking about mundane things and arguing about bills and housework etc!

I once read something that described men as switches and women as dials when it comes to sex. We need the dial to be turned up gradually to be in the mood, men can just flick a switch and be ready to go.

I think it's a pretty accurate way of describing things.