Saving a lifeless relationship

[NeatSeal]

Have been with partner now for 15 years and have 3 kids together with youngest being 2 years old but now feel that we’re just co parenting instead of having a loving relationship. I’m no longer happy in this relationship even though I love him but he’s not making me happy.

Im a stay at home mum while partner works full time, days are basically just me looking after kids until they go to bed then we sit on our phones or watch TV. He’s a great dad and does his share with house and kids but It’s as if we don’t know what else to do with our time after kids go to bed. Every day just feels the same. Our sex life is non existent as no longer feel the connection.

We don’t get much time just on our own as we don’t have much child care and can’t afford baby sitters. Even when we do have child care, our time ends up being spent doing errands. We never have proper dates as we don’t seem to know how to be a couple now.

I had looked into marriage counselling but we simply can’t afford it. Has anyone that’s ever been in this position before, able to advise what changes you made that enabled you to save your relationship?

Firstly, talk to him how you are feeling tbh

From what you've said you both need to make changes for your marriage to work.

Have you talked about how you feel with him? How do you think he feels the relationship is going?

Same questions as above tbh and what did you do when you first started dating ?

If you can’t afford marriage counselling then you certainly won’t be able to afford Divorce!

We have spoke about it and agree that changes are required, problem is that we don’t know what to change

What time do the kids go to bed?

You can’t afford counselling, you’re not married, you’ve got 3 kids and you’re not working?

I would be working on getting a job and seeing if that changes anything

You're in a precarious position being dependent on a man you're not married to, do you own the house?
You need to get into employment urgently, start contributing to your pension, and find somewhere to live if it's not your house.
It sounds miserable for both of you.

Could you do date nights at home? Once a fortnight take it in turns to plan something?

I'll be honest I've tried this but my partner didn't really reciprocate so it fell by the wayside. Think it was the pressure of it having it having to be something 'good'.

But we have started doing an online Pilates video together and I've enjoyed that, feels nice to be doing something together. Also a jigsaw that I just started doing instead of being on my phone, and he got sucked in to helping...

Also might be worth talking about your love languages, as a way to explore what makes you each feel loved. My partner feels loved when I prepare food for him or leave little gifts/notes for him. I feel loved when he makes time to do things with me e.g. pilates

Well... Being a parent does put things to the test when it comes to relationships, that is for sure. Things can get tiring, tedious, etc. I completely get that. And anyone expecting the same pink clouds in a relationship after kids what they had in the first year in their young relationship is just irrational. But the good news is, that it is fine, because love, passion and having fun together don't have to die with time. The key is that effort needs to be made. Make the time for the two of you. Not as mom and dad, not as parents, but a couple. It sounds like you talked about this and both agree you'd need to change. My advice is, start small - there is the obvious one: After the kids go to bed you are both sitting on the sofa on your phones or tv. I know-I know. You are both tired. I get it, after a long day of stressful work and/or looking after multiple kids you both just want to relax. I hear that all the time. Which is fair. But you can't expect a flower to bloom if you just choose the lazy way and not pick yourself up to water it sometimes. You have to put down those screens, both of you, and talk to each other ABOUT each other. Not about the kids.. But each other, get interested in what keeps you up at night nowadays, what you are craving, what your hopes are for the near future, plans, heck, go there - any kinks you fantasize about when you are alone.. Do some couple's quizzes where you get to learn new things about each other, or things you may have forgotten over the years. This is where I would start...

Life gets busy when you are bringing up a family, looking after a home and you get complacent.
You don’t need to be out the house to have a ‘date night’. Choose an evening, settle your children to bed and cook together, eat together and talk. Sometimes I prefer this to going out.
You say you watch TV, cuddle and sit close and find a movie - have some snacks.
I like to romanticise everything, even if it’s just a movie together on a Saturday evening.
I know how you feel, I’ve been there, still find myself there at times but you have to find the time for each other to make your relationship work.
Hopefully the more connected you feel together, brings back the sexual side of your marriage.
Life is mundane if you let it be.

Being solely financially responsible for 5 people would be incredibly stressful and it sounds like he is skint. The stress of this will be bad for his health.

Three kids isn't super conducive to fun nights out or freedom to do enjoyable stuff, so you'll have to create your own romance and dates, and getting a job would ease the pressure off the man. There are thousands of date ideas for free/on a shoestring online.

I’m in the same boat OP. Our kids are 5 and 7 and our relationship has just gone downhill ever since we had DC2. It’s not that we fight but things are just lifeless, as you say. And we barely have any sex as well. I’m now at the point where I question myself if I simply should be with someone with more outgoing personality. Someone who would enjoy chatting with me in the evenings and with whom it would come naturally without making effort. Someone who would have more humour and laughter in their personality. Those are the things I miss and they would make me feel connected to my partner. Just chatting and having a laugh together. When I have to make a particular effort to start discussions beyond daily practicalities, doesn’t it mean my partner just isn’t that kind of a person and won’t turn into one even if he’d make changes to his behavior? I just don’t know. We used to have more fun together in our early years. Do people in long marriages generally still laugh and have fun on a daily basis? Do they still chat effortlessly over a glass of wine regularly?

Apart from a job, you need some interests of your own which have nothing to do with your husband. Same for him. No wonder you are bored.
Join things and look after the kids whilst the other goes out.
You must be interested in something outside the home.

I don’t have any advice but here to say you aren’t alone, I’m in a similar position, young children / hectic life and no time for “us” we are definitely more like roommates than husband and wife. We both acknowledge it but it’s difficult to change when it’s been like it for 18 months.

Have sent you pm