Ghosted by friend after 30 years.

[Trigons]

We have been very close for 30 years. We hardly rowed in that time but there has been disappointments and selfish acts that were brushed under the carpet over the years. Then we had a row,, not over anything in particular but at the heart it was about my disappointment of his increasing unreliability and a friend. we have now not spoken for 1.5 years. I reached out and he sent an email, and I sent one back , we both said we need to fix things. I heard nothing so I sent a text and he hasn't replied. I have always known he was a selfish person but I realised now just how blinkered I have been. The pain I feel from this is big and at times I feel overwhelmed with anger and resentment, like grief except there isn't a tangible explanation for the sudden end. Ironically , I don't think I will ever forgive him for the way he has done this. it's unbelievable to me yet I would also say its in his character. He put the final nail in the coffin. Im sure he has gone to live in another country also. Has anyone experience similar friend breakups?

Do you have other friends, OP? You seem very invested in this one. Surely if you had t been in touch in a year and a half after a fallout, you could hardly expect him to notify you that he was emigrating?

You also sound as if you don’t like him much, in which case it’s more interesting that you spent 30 years being friends with someone you think is selfish and inconsiderate.

1.5 years is a drop in the ocean in a 30 year friendship. And I'm sure you know friendships are very complicated things especially after 30 years. Can't be simplified into 'don't like him much' Thanks for your generous understanding.

I had a very similar experience with my 'best friend' about 10 years ago.

Someone who had been in my life for over 25 years. The realisation that I was not as important to him as he was to me slowly dawned on me over the last years & started to really bother me. He was quite unapologetic about it & for me it all came to a head over the last month of our friendship when I really needed him as I was going through a rough patch & he just wasn't there for me.

The scales quickly fell from my eyes after that & I stopped contacting him & he didn't bother either. At first I was angry & then I was sad, with no real idea what had happened. I attempted contact after about 6 months & he asked me to stop.

I spoke to a councillor following this, who asked me to look at why I wanted to chase this friendship after this person had moved on. I still think about this & miss what I thought we had but I don't want to be friends anymore.

I would love to know their side of it though

He maybe felt he couldn't meet up to your standards of friendship so pulled away. How was he unreliable? How did you express your disappointment with him? He could have felt he was judged too harshly and decided to withdraw from the relationship he had with you.

But you say that over that 30 years there were ‘disappointments and selfish acts that were brushed under the carpet over the years’ and then that the row that led to the 1.5 years of no contact was at heart about your disappointment at his ‘increasing unreliability as a friend’.

So it sounds as if it was a relationship that wasn’t working particularly well for you even before the breach, and that you were more invested in than he was.

As shown by you being the one to get back in contact with him. He replied once, but hasn’t been back in touch since. Now you say you’re overwhelmed with anger and resentment, that you’ve been blinkered as to his true nature, that you’ll never forgive him.

Yet from what you say, you always knew he was selfish, he was always less invested in the friendship than you were, and he’s not interested in reviving it, especially as he’s moved overseas.

I get that friendships are complicated, and endings are sad, but this one sounds like it has been over for a while, and that it’s not out of character for him.

I have been going through something similar with my oldest school friend. Our lives are different but I ache to reconnect with our funny childhood experiences. She can make me laugh so much but she can also throw crumbs at me and I am the one one chasing the friendship. It’s deeply painful. I need to accept that all I can do is match her energy or if that’s not enough for me in a relationship to drop it and move on. You can only look at yourself and your own wounds as to why this poor behaviour is tolerable to you or why someone else making a choice to move on is intolerable to you. What was happening 30 year ago @Trigonsfor you? Was the intensity of the relationship familiar to your family upbringing or someone dismissive in your family?

For me I met this friend when my dad had suddenly died when I was 8 and we were uprooted and moved to a new country and school overnight. She represents fun and joy in at a dark time for me - but I have to accept it’s not reciprocated.

We live 10 mins apart and I have not seen her in 2 years - she either doesnt commit to meeting up or cancels at the last minute. I have just started cancer treatment - she doesn’t know because she doesn’t respond to me and I won’t tell her that on text. I need to stop chasing her and focus on myself.

Our friendship was formed when we were both 18 and we have been close ever since, despite my living in another country at one point and not physically being present but we spoke everyday on the phone for hours. We have known each other through all the diff experiences of life and we had trust and genuine love and care which is why things were brushed under the carpet because the friendship means more. So our friendship was more about the connection , we were like family and when that happens things get taken for granted. When disappointments start to build up that they finally need to be addressed(I don't believe that the minute something goes wrong you leave a friendship. I believe. that they need work like any relationship if the connection is strong) I was ready to have those difficult conversations and he said he was wanting to fix things but then this. So because of lack of an explanation, Im forced to make up my own conclusion as to what has happened.

@AtlantiI can empathise so deeply with your experience. Mine is almost identical. Met on the first day of secondary school almost 30 years ago, but in the last five years, she’s slowly disappeared. We were bridesmaids for each other, seen each other become mums, all that. But she’s just so, so slow to reply to messages - even one last year when I specifically asked for support from her, just to go out to dinner to cheer me up after a bad time. She didn’t reply for two MONTHS. Then I fell pregnant for the second time after a miscarriage and I didn’t tell her. And then when that pregnancy ended, I didn’t tell her either.

So now we’re at a point where she doesn’t know my life, and I don’t know her life, so what’s the point? I’m not interested in maintaining a 30 year old ‘acquaintance’. What a waste of friendship!!

I’ve also been angry, and deeply sad, and it unsettled me in other relationships. If someone can drop me after 30 years, what does that say about me?

But then I had a vivid dream the other night where she wanted to speak with me, and sit at my table and I just… didn’t want her there. So perhaps I’m moving on, and like you say, focusing on myself and the positive relationships I do have and appreciate.

Isn’t it hard though? x

I wouldn't be surprised if he pops up again some time.