Hello, thank for reading this will probably be long.
Have been in a long term relationship with my partner for 23 years, we met at school when I was 16 he was 18. We’ve been together through uni in seperate towns, then we lived in London together for 10 years working, bought a house, had our first child who is now 8. Through out our relationship my partner has struggled with mental health, depression, anxiety and OCD, the later which manifests itself Through anxiety about having an STD and passing that on to me / the kids. Before we had children I spent hours and hours of time reassuring him, explaining that he was ok, helping him to work through his mental health problems until we realised what it was and he got a diagnosis for OCD. He’s had countless years of therapy for it. He told me he had been abused as a child on one occasion which we then figured had led to these issues and he discussed that in therapy.
We then went on to have our son. Which triggered a massive decline in his mental health. When our son was about 2, and my other was very ill, he confessed to the following:
Cheating on me when we were teenagers, which he called me about at the time, told me it was his friend and the friend was worried about stds, and I provided support to the ‘friend’
Using a sex worker when we were in our 20s
Having a massage with happy ending
Having a one night stand
Going into see a sex worker while on a business trip but backing out last minute
Using webcam and phone sex lines regularly (after i had gone to bed) while I was pregnant and possibly after, asking them to tell him he was awful / bad / horrible etc
When this happened I sort of blocked it out I think. I don’t remember getting overly emotional, I had some counselling as they suggested he had a sex addiction, but I was deep into parenting a toddler, breastfeeding etc.
Fast forward 10 years, we have another child who is now 4, oldest is 8. I believe by partner hasn’t continued these behaviours and he has worked on himself a lot. He’s kind to me, we get on, we have a lot in common.
However our sex life has always been difficult because of the fear (from him) of stds, and we had sex to get pregnant, then Nothing for 3 years after our daughter was born. More recently we’ve made a bit more effort but I just don’t feel like it.
I recently started to look at other men and wonder what it could be like to be with someone else, ive only had this experience of not love (adoration but being treated v badly and lied to) and sex, (awkward, fearful,) add to this the fact he works full time (I am sahm) and he does nothing, no cooking, no cleaning, doesn’t put anything in the bin, let alone take it out. I’m his mum.
I spoke to him 2 weeks ago and said I am unhappy and I think we are more like friends not romantic. He is devastated and was shocked. We’ve agreed to do couples counselling and he has completely done a 180 and now is very attentive, he says he never realised about the mental load etc (even though I had mentioned it once or twice is 20 years)
I’m stuck. I thought I was done, but we do get on, have lots in common, don’t argue etc. but is it too late? Too far gone? Too much water under the bridge? What about the kids? 8 and 4