Also posted in divorce / separation for traffic / advice as I’m really struggling.
Honestly. I don’t know how much more of this bullshit I can take, yet the alternative is terrifying.
Ive been with my husband 21 years, since we were 17 and 18. Married 14 of those, 2 children aged 18 and 12.
We were great for a long time. Until we weren’t.
Im pretty sure I’ve been a victim of financial abuse and emotional abuse. Luckily never physical abuse.
I’ve always worked part time around the children. Even now im not quite full time working 30 hours. I used to do 12, then increased to 18, then to 24 and now 30.
He has always worked full time, worked for a qualification and worked his way up the ranks. We used to get full tax credits when our income was low which went into my bank as I paid all the kids stuff. We’ve always paid certain bills each based on our incomes. Tax credits and child benefit was factored into this initially.
As his income increased quite rightly our tax credits decreased. This reduced the availability of money I had access to. He refused to take on more of the bills as his wage increased, instead paying more into his private pension. I didn’t have a private pension at this stage as couldn’t afford to.
As a result I got myself into around 8k of credit card debt. Not good at all with 2 kids to support. Lack of finances available to me also meant I was walking 2 miles each way to and from work as I couldn’t afford a bus! I had gaffa tape holding my shoes together along with other horrid things.
Things slowly improved as I started to earn more and I was finally credit card debt free about 2 years ago after 12 years of having it. It’s still very much his money and my money though and I often have to go without it things such as new glasses prescriptions or dental work as I just can’t afford it. I pay more in food and energy bills a month than he does on mortgage and council tax!
I have recently found out he still has his mom as his beneficiary on his private pension if something was to happen to him, which I’m fuming about as I put him as mine as soon as I could afford to start one.
The emotional side is hard too. When I was diagnosed with postnatal depression after our children were born he laughed and said it’s all in my head and it’s a made up illness. He has also used a significant traumatic event I went through 3 years before I met him against me, said that’s why no one likes me and I have no friends, and says no one will like someone with depression who struggles to do anything other than go to work then rest at home.
He’s laughed at my weight, asking if chairs will support me. My BMI is about 32 so I’m overweight but not to the point a chair will not support me. He’s told me no on else would ever want me. That I would end up alone if I left him and I’d be on the bread line. He’s often starting an argument then twisting it saying I’ve done it.
We were watching a tv show recently where cheating on partners was mentioned (I forget the context now) and I said it’s disgusting if someone cheats and he kind of smirked so quickly that if I wasn’t looking I would have missed it but then he said “it’s more common than you would think”. I asked him if he had cheated and he said “I can’t believe you’ve asked me that” and wouldn’t speak further. Now I’m worrying whether I need to get an STI check. I’ve only ever been with him, and he says he lost his virginity to me too so I never thought that would be something I’d have to consider.
Yet despite all that above (and there is more but I don’t have the head space to type it) he can have moments of being lovely. I always get a lovely gift on my birthday and Christmas. We always have a lovely foreign holiday a year.
He’s an amazing dad. The kids never want for anything when he’s around and he clearly adores them.
I just don’t know how much longer I can cope, being with a man who appears to despise me, doesn’t respect me or see me as an equal. financially I’d be fucked though, I don’t earn enough to rent or pay a mortgage alone let alone all other bills.
I really do feel stuck right now, and as stupid as it sounds, I still love him 😢