Am I right to be this fked off?

[angelpa]

Not sure if this is the right board but here goes.

I’ve got one child, DD (9), who has AuDHD. She’s on sleep medication so bedtime is better now, but she still wakes early. Her dad lives in Spain and sees her maybe once a month, and those visits actually make things worse (but that’s another story).

My mum has helped with childcare over the years, usually about twice a month. She’ll have DD from early evening until midday the next day. It involves me travelling about an hour each way to drop off and collect. She lives with my adult brother (who can be difficult but does help with DD) and her boyfriend of 1.5 years.

Her boyfriend’s adult daughter (36) has been awful to my mum in the past — constant abuse, nasty messages, police involved — but my mum forgave her. I tried to forgive her too and move past it, and took DD to meet her and her four kids. Afterwards, the daughter accused me of saying things I absolutely didn’t say. The only time I wasn’t with my mum was the car journey. I don’t think I was fully believed.

Now that same woman has gone away for cosmetic surgery and my mum — who’s normally a total germaphobe — is staying at her house, sleeping in her bed, using her things and looking after all four of her kids for several days, with her boyfriend. They’re also looking after her dog. The kids are really challenging — swearing (including very explicit and racist language), fighting, sneaking food, can’t be left alone with the dog, barely sleeping and not even going to school during this time. My mum has said she’s exhausted.

What really gets me is that she constantly says she’s too tired to have my DD, that DD doesn’t sleep well and she can’t manage her for long — even though DD is actually fairly well-behaved and attends school. My mum doesn’t work and cares for my younger brother (25, special needs but fairly independent — she can and does leave him alone overnight and go away). She sees her boyfriend’s daughter multiple times a week but rarely comes to my flat because she says my cats affect her breathing (despite us having cats when we were growing up).

She’s now calling me selfish and childish because I got upset and said she refuses to have DD and complains when she does. She did have DD when I lost my baby last year and when I needed surgery, but later complained about how much she’d had her during that time too.

I’ve blocked her for now because I can’t deal with the excuses anymore. But am I actually in the wrong here for being this angry?

I do think perhaps you’re slightly more in the wrong on this one - it sounds like your mum has got an incredible amount going on, including caring for multiple people. Having your daughter overnight twice a month is actually quite a lot for most grandparents I would think.

From reading your post it seems like you’re misdirecting your anger at your mums partners daughters attitude and treatment of her (and your mums forgiveness of this) and channelling it into your childcare arrangements? I’m sure your mum is exhausted looking after four children and a dog for a few days, on top of caring for your adult brother and also having your DD a few times a month. I’m not too sure how much more she should be taking on in terms of childcare, it sounds like she probably needs some support herself.

Your in the wrong, your mum can choose when she wants the grandchildren don't assume she should be there everytime you want childcare, I would never have done this with my mum and my kids. My mum is entitled to do what she wants when she wants she's not my babysitter. When she calls for them to go stay a weekend then off they go but I would never put regular childcare onto any of my family. My kids my responsibility

I can understand how hurtful it must be for you and your DD to be quite low in your Mum's priorities.

However she is making her choice as to how to allocate her time and care. And you can't really change that.

The situation with her boyfriend's DD sounds pretty awful. Personally I think you would be better mentally distancing yourself from your Mum and her life. And try and make other childcare arrangements that don't involve her

I don’t think I explained fully. My mum is listed as a carer as my brother does have disabilities but he’s very independent. He gets left frequently when my mum stays out for nights at a time with bf at hotels. My mum use to have my dd twice a month when my dad was living there a year ago: but that doesn’t mean overnight, she’d watch her when I had appointments etc. my daughter would call and ask to stay and sometime mum would say yes. When my dds there it’s my brother who plays with her and entertains her etc. and last couple times has done her food. If I do want my mum to Babysit whilst I do something I have to plead with her and I don’t hear about it for weeks. I do appreciate the support. Especially whilst I’ve been going through a lot medically. I wasn’t asking should my mum babysit more. I was asking should I be pissed off that I have been actually asking her to make more effort for over a year. Very clearly in them words asking her to come see us or meet us so it’s not always us going there. Asking for time with her asking when she is in my area sometimes to message so I can see her and she doesn’t but can make effort for other people. Yes maybe slight jealousy, but I am always there for her when she wants help or wants someone stay at hers to watch the dog etc. I want her to make effort in my it relationship too.

Your mums choices around relationships sound less than healthy, as do yours. If this woman has been abusive don’t take your daughter to meet her.
sounds like your mum throwing herself at her relationship rather than wanting to be there for you. It’s shit but I think you just need to widen your support network as your mum is bringing disfunction into her world and yours.

@Placetobreathethank you for the understanding.Unfortunately I don’t have anyone else, her dad is in Spain and even when he’s here has to be supervised due to previous dv and other horrific things. I am listed as my daughters carer and she is with me 99% of the time, so childcare isn’t too much of an issue

Your mum actually does a lot more than most grandparents. I couldn’t take care of my ASD gc overnight. You sounds quite jealous and I totally understand that and that you’d really appreciate some extra support. But why is that put solely on your mum?. Plus she’s already caring with someone with care needs. How is anyone helping your mum? Does she get any support, a night off, help at home? Or is she just expected to run around after everyone else at the expense of herself.

I think that's really harsh on OP.
It sounds like OP's Mum is making choices for herself re helping her bf's adult daughter in preference to her own DD. And it sounds as though her Mum still manages to have a social life.

I can see why it feels like you and your daughter are lower down your mum's priorities + desires. I agree that's hurtful. Ultimately it's up to her though and you're not going to be able to change your mum's behaviour. You've been clear with her how you feel. So all you can do is protect yourself and your daughter and your feelings. And decide whether you are prepared to keep bridges open for in the future.

My mum used to have my kids once a week, and that stopped when she retired and got very into a hobby. I do find it hurtful and the kids also comment that they miss this time. I have said to mum I would love her to have a relationship with the kids on their own terms, between them, as they are older now. But it still doesn't happen unless I initiate. It's disappointing to me, I feel they're all missing out. So I do have some understanding.

It’s obvious your mum has been roped in to help her boyfriend look after his grandchildren after their mother has abused her. It’s also obvious she’s really not enjoying it.

This would signal to me that my mum is vulnerable and struggles with boundaries. Instead of being sympathetic your only response is to be angry you’re not getting the same.

A one off event like this, with the children’s grandfather present and probably doing the bulk of childcare is very different than regular sleepovers at her house where she is also a full time carer to your brother who can be difficult. Lack of capacity does not equal lack of care.

Getting your daughter to call her and ask for sleepovers knowing she can’t manage is out
of order. As is pleading and guilt tripping. No means no.

Blocking her was spiteful and petty and what you call excuses are explanations that you won’t accept. she’s already told you she can’t manage.

Maybe your mum finds it easier with childminding boyfriends daughters kids as he helps with childcare.
Given that you are daughters carer how high are her needs?
I can see how this is hurtful though!

She goes to mainstream but is in a special needs class, she’s about 3/4 years behind her peers

I’d say she didn’t get much choice if the boyfriend was there too and probably wanted to try to fix things with the daughter too. I’d say give her a break, her life sounds tough