Is it normal for it to be so hard to get dates?

[Bufftailed]

Late 40s, trying to take dating a bit more seriously. Using paid site. Most conversations fizzle out. Get a fair few likes but mainly from people not interested in, or looking for ‘unconventional relationship’. Is this normal, or could I be doing something off putting?? Never found dating easy but when I was younger I remember no issue in getting dates…

Don’t want to give up but often feel like it. Paid for this month, feels like a waste so far with not one date…

Definitely switch to Tinder. I know it has reputation but it's from decades ago and it's not been my personal experience that people are looking for hook ups exclusively.

And I ask all the time. It really doesn't make any difference. They still ghost even after making firm plans.

Why do you never ask out? That’s means you’re completely relying on only 50% chance of anything happening

Not sure, lack of confidence. I wouldn’t ask after a first date either

I was on there a while. Never got any creepy messages or dick pics. It was quite clear from my profile that’s not what I’m looking for, no full body pics etc so that weeded out a lot of creeps. I think it’s changed from its reputation as a hookup site. It’s where you need to go for the numbers.

I agree with the others to get on Tinder. It's the most popular site and is a really good way to get chatting with lots of people. Have you tried the burned haystack method? Look it up on Facebook, but it's a really good way of identifying non starters quickly. I've done a lot of online dating in the last 6 months or so and am also late 40s. I mostly used Tinder and would allocate about 15 mins 2 or 3 times a day to swipe/to reply to guys who seemed ok. If they went quiet for more than 2 or 3 days then I unmatched them and likewise if they said anything questionable. I ended up with lots of chats going and had a few weeks where I was going on 2 or 3 first dates. Had a few seconds dates as well. Eventually met a lovely man who I'm still dating and have been for 2 months now who is really great and it looks promising with. I think the key thing is to stop chatting with anyone/unmatch with those who are not suitable fairly quickly or if there's no talk of meeting after messaging for a few days as they're probably just time wasters. If the chats run dry then get swiping again! That then keeps your inbox nice and clear to focus on the good guys. I also think the algorithm starts putting the less popular/less active profiles more at the foreground and you might not have seen them otherwise. Good luck. It's quite brutal out there but there are plenty of good guys out there, it just takes a lot of filtering!

I think that's really unusual in the modern dating world, I do both all the time. I encourage you to give it a go not least because at least you find out where you stand.

I don’t usually ask myself but would it I was ready, felt it was the appropriate next step and the other person wasn’t asking. In fact I don’t think I’ve ever asked but as I say, I would.

Your not alone. I have been on tinder just over a year now & its been hell. I dont have any friends where I live so dont get to go out & socialise/meet people. Since being on tinder I noticed loads of people liked my profile but when I matched with them I would send a message & never get a reply. On hinge I get replies & a conversation going but it fizzles out after a few days.
I have had men tell me im too old at 37.
Its because I have a 11yr old child.
Its because I dont drive.
Its because I live too far away.
Its because im at university.
Its because I dont have a job (university is full time).
Its because im too smart.
Its because I dont go to the gym or workout.
Are some of the reasons I have been rejected.

Im a chatty person so will ask questions.
I will unmatch after a few days if no response from a match but I also find even if I swipe left (not interested) on a person the next day they appear again on tinder. Tinder also doesn't stick to my preferences with age etc because it shows me profiles of people that are in their mid 20s which is not for me.

Im the only single one in my friendship group & even though im happy to see my friends loved up, doing date nights or matching pj's pictures during Christmas. Even my birthday all my friends had partners with them (i get along with their partners) I just kept thinking am I destined to be on the shelf forever.

The "pen pals" thing is an issue, because everyone seems to have different rules about it and I generally think everyone now expects the worse, so will naturally think "pen pal" unless there is a good reason not to think that.

There isn't a set rule from time spent messaging to asking out. I am pretty sure that most people want to meet up but everyone is too afraid to make the first move (seen as too eager) and then everyone thinks everyone else is a "pen pal".

I could have written this post myself 😆
On Hinge and Match, plenty of likes no follow up once I've messaged, what can you do!? I've decided to just knock it on the head, it's a joke! They're supposedly on there for the same reason we are but God forbid they reciprocate any conversation!!! You've got to not be offended by rejection that's for sure!!

I try to set some sort of time scales, if things go well via dating app for 2-4 days, conversation flows, maybe moved to WhatsApp. But then I think I've found if that flows, after a couple of days, you need to try to organise a date. (Doesn't have to be right away, family circumstances etc) Sometimes it seems to dry up when going to phone numbers. But if its too long, turns more pen pal type thing

My daughter is 20 and has been on apps for over 6 months without any dates

Some guys never respond after matching, some unmatched when they find out she has a condition....... while other fetishize her condition and put her right off

Shes had some who ask for a date and then tell her nows not a good time for them to be dating after all and one guy who swapped numbers, disappeared for a month then came back asking if she had missed him while claiming he had disappeared because he was too addicted to sex (clearly he chose another girl to date and when it didnt work out started doing the rounds of girls he had ghosted looking for the next one 🙄)

It's a complete shitshow out there these days

Honestly dating after 40 is like the clearance bin while thrift shopping, trying to find the least damaged item left on the shelf at times

Ive just checked out tinder to keep my mind occupied after redundancy and wow, I dont know which poster said tinder has changed... it hasnt 😅 I have been swiping for 15 minutes and came across 2 profiles who looked for long term... 2 !

I don’t want to get slated here for saying this . I’m just being honest 🤷🏻‍♀️.
I’m 5/4 , slim , I’m not gorgeous but I am attractive, I would never have trouble hooking up with someone on a night out if I wanted to .I’m completely normal , easy chat to , I’ve hobbies & Interests , I keep fit , eat healthy .
Zero luck on line meeting the right person
I just came off it altogether.

Tinder has the reputation but I find them all the same. People see the others as more "long term" but thats just the marketing, not reality.
If I was a bloke who wanted to pull the wool over a woman's eyes for an easy hook up, I'd be on the likes of Hinge and Bumble pretending that I wanted a relationship. I think on Tinder you are instinctively more cautious but there are more people so possibly more chance

And dates are just luck. I'm 2½ years in and had dates with about 7 or 8 people tops. And none have gone more than 3 or 4 dates. I always get to meeting as soon as it feels safe to so I don't waste time. I find a lot of blokes drop out before a date or make excuses which is fine, wasn't worth meeting them if that's the case.
If they open with something pointless or make no attempts to engage then I just start being frustrating in my responses. One guy told me he had a hotel (as in he was staying in one as he obvs was laying groundwork for me to "visit") and I asked how he got into owning a hotel and what it was like. Solely for my own amusement.

It’s also a time of year thing I am incredibly boring just now and I find trying to chat on hinge utterly tedious I might try again in march when I feel a bit more up for it

I met my current partner on bumble 4 years ago, so it can work. But you have to sift through a lot of arseholes! I preferred bumble as women make the first move so to speak.

The apps are finished. A lot of people have ditched the apps now. The apps era has really damaged modern dating and left people with trust issues, etc.

I think you have to think about it like trawl fishing. You're casting a wide net and then you have to weed out the rubbish and hope you've got one good one.
I was on saying apps on and off for years. I had 2 rubbish relationships through them. And then I met my now fiance on Tinder. We've been together 7 years now.
But I've lost count of the amount of dates I went on, the amount of times I got sent sick pics or ghosted. It's a lot of work to sift through but you have to develop thick skin as it's such a disposable way to contact someone.
I had one guy who was genuine but when I met him I just got the ick. I had another who was a total nutjob and told me he wouldn't trust any woman, even with another woman!
It's soul destroying quite often but it can also work

Well since I started this chat I have two dates lined up. You brought me some luck! Thanks especially go those who said I should ask. As you said it clears up if the person is actually interested.

Good luck Op, even if they’re not for you when you meet, it’s good to start just to get out there and get a bit of practice!

Whoop whoop, fingers crossed for you OP. Report back

No point talking about how good the apps are when you met someone on there years ago. Post-Covid they are awful, I wasn't on them before but I've been told by many and a lot on here that they changed.

I think there will be a lot more growth in IRL events, but so far this year they seem quite empty, I think the mood of the nation isn't great at the moment and people don't seem willing to spend money.