How to move forward?

[OptimisticFather]

Sorry for the ramble here.

I was with my ex-partner for around three years and last September she decided that she needed to relocate 250 miles away to the coast. She found a new job, and at the end of December relocated permanently. Whilst I can understand some of the reasoning, I felt that part of this was running away from her problems but no amount of talking could convince her to stay. I've been supportive, maybe too supportive. I thought it was important that her daughter start the new school term at her new school, so agreed to stay in her house until it's sold, paying the mortgage and all the bills which allowed the relocation. For transparency it is her and her ex partners property and has been agreed that I will get some financial recompense from the sale as I have invested in renovations and improvements (as I thought I was working on building a family home). I helped relocate her stuff, and help set-up her new rental property so it was ready for her and daughter to relocate into a 'home' rather than just a house.

I've been clear that I have no interest in a long distance relationship. We speak most days and sometimes she will say 'miss you' and 'I can't understand why you don't want to come see me' or 'why couldn't this work' (normally after a few drinks). I re-iterate that I am not interested in a long distance relationship. I feel like I am a little stuck now, as I am still in the family home which is not selling at the moment, and when I am clear I don't want a long term relationship, it doesn't seem to sink in? Right now I would much rather just say I am moving out and cutting all ties but she is struggling with the relocation as expected, and don't want to add to that.

Fast forward to 2026 I have joined some dating apps, and had a first date with someone, and planning the second as we seem to get on, have the same interests etc. I'm now worried that this was too soon, given the challenges I face with my ex and don't want to cause harm to someone I've just met or simply waste their time. Am I allowed to move on this quickly? How do I explain that I am still tied to my ex? is it better that I just park it now, and wait until I've moved and settled elsewhere. I then overthink and wonder if its possible to meet someone you might get on with, on the first swipe. Should I have gone on 10 dates with different people first? Why now etc.

I'm 42, and feeling like I don't want to waste this one life that we have but equally don't want to waste other peoples time either.

Any advice gratefully received.

You have to protect your own peace. If the arrangement to stay at her house doesn’t work for you anymore and is stopping you from moving on then you need to cut ties. You were doing her a favour for a while but houses can take months to sell and in my opinion your generosity is being taken advantage of.

you seem to care for her and her daughter, it’s nice of you to help accommodate the move, make the rental place nice for them etc so you’ve done what you can to help with the relocation. You’ve told her you don’t want long distance but she’s still trying to guilt you into it and to maintain that contact, which makes things harder for you. That’s selfish of her and it’s time you start being selfish too.

Every one moves on at different speeds so don’t think too much into it, just enjoy the dates and see where things go. But make sure you’re not forcing feelings for someone else as a way to replace what you had.

Well firstly are the 'challenges' you face practical or emotional? If this is just the practical issue of being in her house then go ahead and date, I would say that any potential new partner might find the set up odd and I would be inclined to find alternative accommodation - what if the house doesn't sell for ages?? If the challenge is there is still residual feelings and emotions then maybe back off from dating for a while. If your 'gf' changed her mind and came back would you want to resume a relationship??

Move out of the house that's owned by the two people and stop paying their mortgage for them.
There's no reason to stay in touch with your ex, date if you want, once secure in your own property.

I have no emotional attachment to my ex. If she said she was moving back tomorrow, I would have no interest in picking up the relationship. It wasn't a perfect relationship, but maybe that could have been worked on if we were living together, but when she decided to move, that was the end of that chapter.

I have some financial interest in the property - enough for a small deposit on a house, although nothing is formally written down (other than whatsapp) so there is a risk, but hope that she is true to her word.

I know that she is struggling with her relocation and I am trying to be supportive but on reflection it does feel like I am being taken advange of occasionally.

I can hear that you are trying to be supportive but the relocation was her decision. I would secure your interest in the house ASAP- not sure how that works but just relying on a WhatsApp message is highly risky and you deserve to move on and make a new life. Good luck with the dating.

I wouldn't pin any hopes on getting money from the people's house. The other owner (previous boyfriend) would have to agree, or the ex would have to choose to hand over some of her equity after sale, which seems unlikely.
Just write off the money as an expensive blunder and move out. Stop paying their bills for them, too.

Explain the situation to your ex - then block her on WhatsApp and move out of the house and get on with your life- you don’t owe this woman anything really

Thanks all. This has been super helpful.

A little update, we had an offer on the house over the weekend which was accepted. They are first time buyers and although optimistic that this will be a quick sale (newish build, no chain etc) there is still a huge amount to go wrong.

However yesterday I received a message from my ex partner which essentially said that she missed me, regrets leaving me and breaking us up, and longs for it back. I send a response which says that it will get easier, that you've got X positives and that it will take time. Late last night I get a message from her daughter saying her mum is upset.

I call her mum to check on her. She said that she had hoped that love would have prevailed, that we would have found a way, that I would have made the effort to see her, that I should have put a ring on it to have kept her.

What I want to say is - I'm sorry that you are finding this hard, but I didn't choose to relocate 250 miles away? I gave you everything, invested into this house, and you broke my heart. I'm sorry that you hoped that there would be a relationship, but I was very clear that I am invested here with my son, and I am not interested in a long distance relationship. I am here, looking after your house and your cats whilst you are away. I wasn't perfect, but think I am a nice guy and don't think I did a huge amount to deserve what I'm going through.

I am trying to be pleasant whilst the house sale goes through, but it's hard.

I know the £30k from the house sale isn't guaranteed, as I should have got it in writing (but I do have an element of trust and faith) but I am tempted to walk away... Just £30k is a lot of money left on the table.

Honestly I wasn't perfect, but think that I am being taken for a ride.

You need to stay pleasant if possible, and it sounds like you can do this, whilst the 30k is in play. I'm not saying be duplicitous but be mindful that if things go badly in communication then the money might be more in jeopardy. Continue to try and support as you have done, ignore any comments that rile you. Get your money, it's a lot to lose.

Yes you are being taken for a ride but hang in there. Now you know you can do things to protect yourself. Sort out a legal agreement for the financial settlement whilst being kind to your ex. When you have your money you can walk away. Otherwise all this grief and heartache will have been for nothing.