Last year, I met a man on a dating app who initially seemed the perfect match. I felt I couldn’t have been any luckier — he was clever, handsome, cultured, held a wide range of talents and shared interests, stable career and a beautiful home. Within weeks, we'd met and impressed each other’s friends and family and he even invited me to visit his family home in Southern Europe.
After this initial burst of romance, cracks started to show. His emotional avoidance and reluctance to engage in conversations beyond surface details left me feeling lonely in the relationship and uncertain about his feelings for me. I was told that I was ‘intimidating’ because I happened to have had more romantic and sexual partners than him, plus I was confident in bed. I was also criticised for certain traits such as clumsiness, unpredictability and talking too much, which I found especially concerning while I struggle with diagnoses of ADHD and PTSD that I manage daily.
At the time, this made me feel I just needed more personal discipline, rather than seek understanding and support. I can’t deny that I also developed an inferiority complex by comparing his stage in life with my own. Whereas he seemed to have it altogether, I’m finishing a PhD and unsure where my career will take me next. I don’t yet own my own property, I have fewer financial savings. I was still raw after an abusive relationship that ended suddenly 18 months prior.
Within three months, I felt that we were simply going through the motions of a relationship that had no authenticity. It was saddening that I could see myself becoming a smaller, quieter person who was less sure of herself again. One evening, after another frustrating weekend together, I finally snapped and broke up with him. I couldn’t cope with the emotional avoidance and cynicism anymore. He was shocked and upset.
Yet - over the course of the next few days, I didn’t feel the relief or empowerment that I had expected through breaking up. I felt terrible grief and regret. I panicked that I had thrown away an incredible opportunity for a relationship and happiness out of impatience and self-sabotage. I wondered had I been the problem — not him? If my life had been at a different stage and my mental health had been better, would the relationship have worked? I even started to fret whether I'd been projecting memories of my previous abusive relationship on to him.
I set about trying to explain that I had been going through a difficult time personally and was thinking and acting impulsively, in the hopes that he would take me back, but he maintained that my decision was final. Things were complicated further when we continued to message regularly. It's now been several months, during which time my mental health has plummeted, taking a serious toll on my work and putting me off dating altogether. Most days have been spent obsessively replaying memories of our time together and regretting my decision to end it. I'm exhausted. I don’t understand why this relationship has had such a vice like grip, despite its shortcomings (I literally wrote a journal entry at the time that stated “I feel emotionally dead inside”)!
I feel so pathetic, but I don’t know right now how to overcome the regret and move on, although I know it's essential now for my quality of life. It’s almost as though he came to symbolise an ideal version of myself and what my life could look like, and that what I’ve been left with is totally inferior. I wish I could just 'get over it'.
My friends encourage me to focus on myself and career before dating again, but it's like I have lost all joy, motivation and confidence. It doesn’t seem to make sense, because I was the person who did the breaking up. How do I make peace in myself and move forward??
p.s. please don't dig into me - I myself know everything would be better if I could just grow a thicker skin and forget about it! x