Old flame but no spark

[MovingOn26]

I recently reconnected with an old boyfriend. I was excited to see him as I have been single for a while post-divorce. However, there was no spark for me. I think he is interested in something more but I would like to just remain friends. He's a great guy but there is zero physical attraction and there are elements of his personality that I could not cope with in a romantic relationship.

I don't know whether to come out and tell him how I feel or wait until he makes a move - i.e. try to kiss me, before telling him I don't want to purse a romance? I would like to keep him as a friend but I do not want to feel that I am leading him on. Any advice?

Sooner the better, if he tries to arrange to see you, then be honest you are not looking for romance.

Tell him!

Why wouldn't you just tell him now for the avoidance of doubt? It's much harder if you string it out and he develops feelings. Just be honest and give him that dignity.

It just feels awkward to bring it up when he has not made any move in the physical or romantic sense. Would it be more awkward if I decline when he does? I do get the sense he wants more but nothing concrete, We’ve met up 3 times and he’s just friendly and charming. He then keeps up an active text communication, which he always initiates, and has dropped a few comments in about us being a couple or wanting to introduce me to his friends, etc.

I'm really sorry, but how old are you?

im in my,40s but haven’t dated in a long time. I was married for 15 years.

Why do you ask?

When he makes those comments, just breezily say that you’re happy being friends for the time being and are not looking for anything beyond that.

Thanks. Yes, I can just play it breezy - I am overthinking! I just value him as a friend and don’t want to make things awkward or weird by saying I don’t want a relationship with him when he hasn’t proposed one.

Just bear in mind - you probably are - that if he wants more than friendship, and it sounds like he does, he may not want to stick around. I would walk away from that scenario if i were in his shoes - at least while i got over my crush (indeed, i have done precisely that). I may be wrong but it’s probably best not to pin too much hope on his friendship in any case.

Guaranteed if you make it clear you just want to be friends, he’ll either be in denial and stick around on the off chance until you get with somebody else - then you won’t hear from him again, or he’ll draw a line under it immediately.

Either way, that’ll be the last of his self-initiated back and forth communication with you. Men don’t tend to pursue women they like (romantically) for friendship if they have zero chance for something more. It’s sad but if there’s no chance for them sexually they don’t see the point in just being friends, in the vast majority of cases. They can seem to want to be just friends for years, but it’s usually with some expectation in the long run. Read about all the men who come out of the woodwork and profess their feelings when women come out of marriages and LTRs.

Once a new man is on the scene or marriage is on the cards they tend to bugger off. Until that finishes and there’s a possible way in for them again. There are few heterosexual men who are genuine friends with women they wouldn’t want to sleep with. They just don’t waste the effort.

Thanks @Dery and @SomewhatAnnoyed. Yes. I can see that might happen but he really is one of the good ones. He is such a kind, generous person that I have tried to talk myself into a relationship with him. But it just wouldn't work so I am not going to force it. I know that he is still friendly with a couple of other exes too - one of whom who is happily married with kids - so it can and does happen. He might be one of those few heterosexual men who are genuine friends but I don't know. Perhaps not if he is interested in more; as you say, anyone would remove yourself from a situation like that even just for self preservation, I should think. Well, I am going to just take it as it comes and if he pushes for anything more, I will keep it light and hope he drops it without sacrificing the friendship.