Breakup

[Dancer22]

My partner of 3 years ended things with me this morning and I don't know what to do with myself. It's too painful to go into details right now but I keep beating myself up because my anxiety led to this. I was very upset and he said let's not end it now and we'll talk things through on Saturday (we can't meet before because I'm having a procedure) but I know he was just being kind, I think it was hard for him to see me so upset. I can't imagine life without him, my heart feels like it's breaking. I have 2 daughters and they can see I'm upset but I can't tell them why (I haven't told them about this relationship). I don't know how to be strong for them and how to do everything I need to, I feel like I can't function

I am sorry OP, heartbreak is the worst. But you really don't know what he means to say on Saturday, so try to put it to the side and concentrate on your procedure and mental health. If it comes to it, you can and will manage without him, even if it feels impossible now. Good luck with everything.

Thank you so much. We spoke a lot this morning and I don't really know the point of Saturday because I know how he feels already. This isn't working for him anymore. I do want to see him but it will probably just hurt won't it.

If your anxiety can "ruin" a relationship, then it's not a relationship worth having.
Everything feels raw right now because you are in shock. In two weeks, you will be able to function better, in six weeks you will have a clarity of mind, in six months you will not only imagine a life without him but will likely have a better one.

Thank you. I've been dealing with my anxiety better but I have some health issues and something happened between us last night that I needed reassurance about and he was distant. It wouldn't have ended today if that hadn't happened, I think he saw me asking are we going to be ok as an opportunity though. He's obviously been thinking about the future and how he wants to spend his time differently. I had no idea, I thought we were happy.

I live abroad and never really felt at home until I met him so this feels like a big loss. I'm ashamed to say I've sent him some messages this and I'll stop now but I've really embarrassed myself. I'm so ashamed

You are contradicting yourself even in this one post.
You said he's obviously been thinking about breaking up with you and simultaneously that he wouldn't have broken up with you had it not been for whatever you think you did that caused it. Both things can't be true at the same time.

Your brain is not your friend right now. So just take some time to process and try not to blame yourself. As I said, things will look much clearer in a few months time.

ETA: I'm saying this be aue I have been through similar. I started a conversation about our relationship and my ex took it as an opportunity to break up with me. For months I kept thinking "if I didn't askt eh question, we'd still be together" which is absolute rubbish. The relationship had problems. I wouldn't have had the conversation with him otherwise. If he loved me, he'd work with me to resolve the issues, not walked away. It's been seven months and my life is amazing without him!

I think he's been thinking about the future but I don't think he would have ended it himself, and not now anyway. I think we would have had more time together if I hadn't lost it. There's never a right time to end a relationship but this feels the worst.

I understand what you're saying though, I can't think straight at the moment.

Happy to hear that you're doing so well now.

Break are awful, I think especially after you’ve split with your children’s father before, it’s another blow to the heart.
It seems like it’s a good idea to concentrate on yourself for a while, you say you have anxiety and health issues, it doesn’t sound like the relationship was doing any good for you.

Thank you, you're right, but this feels even worse than the other breakup. Because it was abusive and I grieved that relationship long before it ended. There were some parts of the relationship that caused me anxiety (partly because of my anxious attachment) but he was really good to me. Even now he's been very kind.

I know from experience that there is always a catalyst however small which leads to a break-up. Sometimes it’s a series of small things building up over time and other times it’s a big row that gives energy to a break.

In my experience it’s absolutely crap whilst you get over the abject misery of the life you thought you had into the life you now face.

In a year’s time your life will be entirely different but I recommend working on yourself, turning yourself into the best that you can be and finding out who you are and what you’re capable of without a man in your life.

You will be grieving for the future you thought you had so you need to heal. It’s not linear, it comes in waves but slowly slowly the pain eases and you’ll feel brighter if you work at it.

Get yourself out of the house and seize the day. Stuff the anxiety, feel the fear and do it anyway.

Make plans and work on yourself. This is the time to please yourself and your daughters and raise two fingers to him. You’ll be fine.

Thank you so much. The stupid thing is he didn't say it was over (it was me who asked if it was) but the things he spoke about mean to me that it is, I don't think we can come back from that.

It's good advice to work on myself. I have been, but there are more things I could do with the time we usually spend together. I do have a full life without him, we were spending 2 nights a week together, but the rest of the time was for me and my girls. This relationship was a beautiful cherry on the top for me and I'll really miss knowing him. It wasn't about having someone (I don't want another relationship), it was about having him.