Can’t seem to make friends.

[Treebutterfly]

I’ve moved several times in the last few years. Each time for a few years. I’ve tried really hard to make friends and almost succeeded but now I’m starting to wonder if it’s me.

Recently got to know a lady at a club both our dc attend, but she’s now started to sit in her car even though we used to sit together in the waiting area.
another lady at my dc school I met up with for a coffee but I tried to again a few weeks later and she cancelled and then cancelled the next time too and hasn’t been in touch.
others have ghosted me when I’ve tried to contact. I don’t know where I’m going wrong or if I can do anything to help the situation. Desperately lonely now and sad about the whole situation, Any advice is welcome!

Sorry didnt want to read and run.. Its really hard i know but try not to take it personally. No other advice other than maybe try and meet people at clubs so you have a mutual liking of something.

Do you work? I've always made most friends through work as there's a shared experience/industry that we're interested in. If you don't work, then maybe volunteering if you have time, in something that interests you so again there's a thing to bond over. Clubs-wise you'd have more chance if it's a club for you not DC, as it's a longshot that you'd have much in common beyond small talk. Take the pressure off the relationships with random mums as even if you did like each other in passing, it often doesn't go deeper. Are you a fan of anything? Could you make connections that way, online and then at events IRL? Or are there boardgame nights locally or quizzes or things you can get actively involved in? You'll get some knockbacks along the way no doubt but it does take an effort to forge some lasting connections not just a coffee. Sure you're people are out there.

It’s really difficult to make friends. No advice apart from don’t give up! And don’t take it personally, sometimes people have a lot going on and just aren’t in the right place or even have time to form new friendships.

Not you I shouldn't think. People are flaky. They're also tired and sometimes all 'peopled out' from work so can't face chatting while waiting for children at clubs etc.

It's hard when your children are young, but could you join a running group, or a walking group? Or get involved with volunteering at your kids' schools - the more cake stands you stand behind, the more you'll make friends - if not friends for life, then at least friends over the school years.

Where abouts are you? If you’re near Manchester I’ll be your friend!

I sometimes do the sitting in the car thing. Sometimes it’s because I have a tonne of WhatsApp admin to do/ Amazon stuff/ online supermarket shop and sometimes I’m just a bit peopled out after a work day with tonnes of meetings and just need a bit of quiet time. It’s not that I don’t like the other parents.

I am too quiet and awkward for most people. There are some people who are able to get me out of my shell but these people are great rarity now in my life

Thanks, I don’t work because dh is away a lot with work so I’m always here. Finding school hour jobs is a nightmare, I did have one but I had to leave because they kept asking me to stay beyond when I pick up dc up and I struggled. I will look at volunteering.
joining groups would be a good idea I will look into that. I end up giving up too easily these days as I’ve got myself into a place of trying to accept I have no friends but I don’t want that. Some of my old friends stopped texting me once I moved and that has also made me question if I’m doing something wrong.

It won't be you doing anything wrong, it's just hard when someone moves away, especially at these busy points in life with young kids. Very easy from them to lose touch when it's just texts and the everyday local things take over. Is it your DH's job that mean you have to keep moving? That's so hard when he's leaving you alone a lot so he can't be your company but it also means you can't work and it's an extra challenge forge your own connections.

Presumably there's no alternative because of his career/income but that really sucks for you and as it's a long-term/ongoing thing you need to acknowledge that's the issue and not turn this on yourself and ideally make some plans/changes so that you have ways to make connections and keep stimulated without relying on random encounters with unlikely friendship candidates.

As well as looking into the volunteering, is there anything you could study during school hours, ideally in person and maybe something that gives you a job you could do around the kids? No idea what you're into, but things like counselling or massage or any of those kinds of things you can do by the hour and manage your own schedule. Have a big think about what you enjoy and how you want your life to look and prioritise putting those plans in place, otherwise you're giving up yourself for DH and DC and no amount of coffees will fill that hole. Once you're on that track, then you'll meet more people like you and stronger friendships should come.

You need to meet a lot of people to find friends, most people are certainly ok but it’s a numbers game. I would expect a max of 5 people out of a 100 to be someone I could have a proper connection with and that’s a generous estimate. Chatting to people is the start but friendships require time and people only have so much. I have relocated twice, I made friends through work, lots of people i worked with were not local, they were ones who also needed local friends. The woman who lives across the road from me is nice but she is local, huge family group and she still hangs out with friends from school. We have had the occasional coffee but it was obvious she didn’t need to expand her circle.

Perhaps reframe your idea of what a friend is? Maybe not someone you specifically meet for coffee, but you might go with people for coffee after a walk, or other activity? I highly recommend joining a walking group. Or a book group. I doubt most people find instant friends here, but if the group is well-established then it is unlikely to disappear, even though from time other members of the group might do so. But over time, I have found this to be a more solid, reliable form of friendship.

Something I have observed (from myself and others so not a criticism!)

When people are actively trying to make friends, it shows.

The 'energy' is different. When you're the person trying to make friends, it feels organic, normal, like you're just making an effort to be friendly.

When you're on the receiving end, it can land differently. The effort doesn't seem to match the length of time you've known each other or how well you know each other if one person is trying to progress a friendship and the other isn't really interested for some reason.

Eg the woman at your daughter's club you sat with who now sits in her car.

Why is that? Maybe she has her own personal reasons? Maybe she didn't want to sit with the same person every week? Maybe she didn't feel you had much in common? Maybe it felt a bit intense?

I'm.not saying you're doing anything 'wrong' just that your approach might not be right for everyone so the options are to either do a bit of self reflection and see of there is anything different you could do or just write that person off and not take it personally.

There can also be a tendency when you're actively.looking to make friends to (want to) become friends with someone just because you've spoken to them a few times rather than because you actually gel with them.

A bit like online dating when people ry to make a relationship with someone they're not really compatible with just because they had a pleasant enough first meet with them and there's no one else they're interested in at all 😉

If that makes sense...

Not you op. I have a few nice friends however got rid of a few last year. Wouldnt commit or text or they were non comittal. Got ghosted off by a school mam she seemed keen to keep up contact (school reunion) I feel people pure flakey now..

I lost two good friends, one to covid, one to change in cirumstances, then moved house. Been here 3 years now, and though I have met people that are casual friends within groups, I haven't met anyone I really get with yet. Only one person wants to be a close friend, and unfortunately, she's not the right fit for me.
I realised today that a) the groups were more about convenience than passion, and b) the local demographic means I meet few people of my age and background. Just spent the afternoon researching other groups that might be a better fit.
I am grateful to the advice offered to you OP, and would say it sounds helpful. Meet more people, and fish in the right waters. Good luck. Hope to hear you've connected with good people soon.

I saw a tiktok that was advertising bumbles new BFF app. I dont know how good it is though https://www.google.com/amp/s/bumble.com/the-buzz/what-exactly-is-bumble-bff%3famp=1