I’m posting because I feel completely stuck and could really do with some outside perspective. On paper my life looks fine, even good, but I don’t feel fine at all and I can’t seem to work out what to do anymore.
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. I’m younger, he’s eight years older, and together we’ve built a good life. We have two children, I have a career I’m proud of, he works too, and we’re a team in a lot of practical ways. We’re also both visually impaired, with his sight being significantly worse than mine.
Our lives are very intertwined. He’s genuinely my best friend and we rely heavily on each other and the life we’ve built. To the outside world we probably look solid – both disabled advocates working in accessibility and inclusion, and very involved in inclusive/adaptive sports.
But the reality has been much harder. Over the years I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve caught him messaging other women. I know it’s never been physical, but every time it’s happened it’s broken me. What hurts most is that I’ve spent most of our relationship asking for more – more attention, affection, intimacy, sex – and he’s never really been able to give that to me, yet he’s been willing to talk about those things with other women.
Sex has always been an issue. He’s very guarded and uncomfortable around it, even talking about it. We do still have sex, and when we do it’s good, but we can also go months without him coming anywhere near me, which has been incredibly painful and damaging to my confidence.
Over time this has really knocked my self-esteem and my ability to trust him. I constantly question whether I’m enough or whether I’m asking for too much. Even when things are calm there’s an anxiety I can’t switch off.
I also need to be honest about something I’m not proud of. The loneliness has started to change me in ways I don’t like. I’ve found myself seeking attention and validation from other men, and I’ve told him this openly. I’m not excusing it – I know it’s not healthy – but it’s made me realise how starved I am of feeling wanted in my own relationship.
Over the last year I’ve lost a lot of weight, and that’s shifted something in me. For the first time in a long time I feel attractive and more confident. I reached a point where I felt ready to leave, but I decided to wait until after Christmas for the sake of the children.
Then just days before Christmas he was told that his vision is deteriorating rapidly and that he’ll soon be almost completely blind. We always knew this would happen one day, we just didn’t know when. That news stopped me in my tracks and filled me with guilt about leaving.
I do love him. I don’t think he’s a bad person, just not a very good partner to me. I’ve tried again and again to talk about how I feel, but he shuts down completely. I feel emotionally neglected and expected to just get on with things. Nothing ever really changes.
On Thursday I told him I was done and that I didn’t want to be in the relationship anymore. Since then he’s made no attempt to talk about it. Instead he tries to kiss me or hold my hand, and it feels like he’s waiting for me to suppress how I feel and move on again like I always do.
He doesn’t have any family support of his own – the only support he has is mine. I know he no longer engages with other women, but the relationship itself hasn’t improved. We live more like roommates than partners.
I’m also very aware that a lot of this feels trauma bonded – the cycles of hurt and repair, the guilt, the dependency, and how hard it feels to actually walk away even when I know something isn’t right.
The hardest part is that I don’t actually want to leave him. I want him to step up and love me in the way I need. I want to understand why he’s behaved the way he has, and I want to grow old with him. But I’m exhausted, and I don’t feel like I have it in me to keep fighting for something I can’t fix on my own.
I suppose I’m trying to work out where my responsibility ends. Is staying compassionate, or am I just slowly losing myself? I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been in a similar position and how you worked out what to do.