2 Sons 2 Men

[GratefulBUTUnhappy]

And I haven't told the first person I've felt serious about in 9 years.
I have 2 sons - DS1 came out of a 5 year relationship, we bought a house together but ex became abusive after DS1 born - I was 23 with a baby and no family, he grabbed me by the throat, I dropped DS at nursery, went to work, booked train ticket and a hotel and left.

2 years later I met DS2 dad, moved in together after 18 months, i fell pregnant, he cheated.

This was 9 years ago, since then I have dated but never introduced the boys to anyone and remained detached.

Boys are now 11 and 15. I have met someone who seems like a throughly decent human being (so far!) And I feel optimistic. We have been seeing each other for 3 months, he has asked a little about the boys Dad/past dating, and I didn't tell him they have different Dads, because I'm insecure and feared judgement. So I have lied by omission. He has children and so we are very obviously taking things very slowly, and neither of us have plans to meet each children of course. But, he mentioned to me at the weekend that he would like us to be in a relationship, a couple and is very content with me. I brushed it off somewhat because I haven't been totally honest, and his decision to be a relationship with me may be impacted by my circumstances, plus me now having not been upfront.

I would like to tell him, but how?

I don't want to hide any part of my sons, and I'm upset at myself for feeling a sense of shame around their circumstances. They deserve to have a mum who is immensely proud of them, not hide parts of their story away from anyone. I have also not told the full story to people at work, again in fear of judgement.

Just tell him the next time the opportunity arises. If he judges you bin him off. We all have a past.

I agree with @shimasu
Tell him . Don't put it off.
How he reacts will be a real indication of what type of person he is.
If he does judge you or think less of you then you will be better off finding out now and ending things.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Thank you for replying. I do want to tell him, I don't know how to bring it up organically, I did think about just coming out with "there is something I need to tell you", but I think that risks making it worse.

He is middle class and his family are Catholic, which made me more worried, although he describes himself as agnostic.

You're right, it just needs to be said. If he is content to move forward I think I will relax and not be quite as defensive. But I think he's too good for me!

If he likes you etc it should make no difference if the kids have different dads, well it doesn't make any difference full stop...

When you say you lied, did you insinuate they had the same dad or something?

Just keep it light and breezy bringing it up, hope it goes well

Yes, I've lied, because he assumed the boys had the same Dad and I didn't correct him, and I haven't done whenever he's mentioned it, which has been maybe 3 times. So I've lied yes, I didn't go into any details, whenever he spoken about his circumstances and then asked me I've brushed it off. For example, he asked if my ex had remarried, and my first ex is married, so I said yes and she seems nice.

Role play

"Next weekend i am fre e Jimmy is going to see his dad and johny is going to london to see his dad. What woukd you like to see at the cinema?"

"Oh they have different dads?"

Yeh i can explain more when i see you. Is it a concern?

I think you're vastly overestimating how much he's going to care about this. Most men really aren't going to give a shit about whether your kids have the same Dad or not, I certainly wouldn't.

Men having kids by different women is generally seen as a red flag by women because it's a sign that they're likely to be the kind of men who ditch their family at the first sign of responsibility.

It's not the same for women, because you don't generally get the option to ditch your kids in favour of the new partner, so there's not the same stigma around it.

The only reason that he might be unsure about it is because now there's two people you've got to coparent with that might cause drama in the future with. If you can reassure him that thats not an issue, then great.

Personally, I wouldn't make a big deal about it, just slip it into conversation. When talking about your kids next time you see him, just say "Just to check, you did know they've got different Dads, not sure if I made it clear previously"

But I think he's too good for me!

Don't ever say this or think it of yourself.
This is why you're in this position. It's been three months not three years. Out with it and then keep quiet. See what he does. His actions will tell you loads about him. If it goes well then continue. If he ever brings it up in the future and uses it against you, you bin him off immediately.

I think the very fact that you’re not cavalier about it tells us (him?) that you think things through.

Well done for getting out of both situations. Tell him why. It lets him know that you have standards.

You should be patting yourself on the back.

Honestly I don't think he'll care as long as there is no issues with the children's fathers that may affect him, there no reason why he should.
It's going to come up at some point so just tell him now before you get serious, as I said I don't think he'll care but if he does then you know he's not for you.

I think you're making way too much of a big deal of it and I definitely wouldn't do the 'I've got something to tell you' thing!

I'd just wait until the boys next come up in conversation and say 'Actually the boys have different fathers, I didn't tell you before as I don't really like talking about them' and leave it at that. You don't owe him anything and your past dating history is none of his business! You've only been dating for 3 months so I'd just take it very slowly. If he shows any signs of judgement; bin him off!

I definitely don’t think it’s something you need to confess….and I definitely don’t think you should go down the “I’ve got something you tell you….” route. That’ll just make it a bigger deal.

id wait until the next time you can drop it into conversation naturally (although don’t leave it too long). I’d say it as if it was no big deal (it’s really not) and act as if you thought he was aware. If he questions it just say “oh sorry did I not say? I thought I had”.

personally I wouldn’t care if my bf’s dc had 2 different mums - don’t think it makes a difference. However I’d be pissed if I thought he’d lied or deliberately hid it from me

Don’t feel guilty, it’s your own private information to disclose as, when and if you want to.

In this particular scenario it would seem that the time is right now for you, so slip it into the conversation and never feel bad or ashamed. You should be very proud of what you did.

I wouldn’t suggest gaslighting (yes, pretending that you had already told him when you know you hadn’t is gaslighting).

I do agree with finding a way to do it organically, rather than “I have something to tell you..”

I think you are massively over thinking this! But I get it, I've been there myself.
I left my eldests dad due to dv and left the youngests as we grew apart and he had no time for us. No one has ever stopped seeing me because of this, just asked me questions.
Just be honest and say something like "you've asked about us being in a relationship but I need to be totally honest first, then you can decide if thats what you still want. My children have different dads. From the minimal convos we've had on the subject i realised it may have come across they have the same dad so I just wanted to clear that up."
You can throw in why you left each dad if you want or wait and see if he asks.
Your options are finish it, or be honest as he will find out anyway if you stay with him. Bite the bullet and throw it out there instead of getting yourself all anxious over something you cannot change 😊

Thank you so much everyone, it's been reassuring to read that I'm likely over thinking this. There may actually be an opportunity to share it, as on Friday he is coming to have a late lunch with me (he has leave, I finish early), but I need to drop DS1 at his Dad's, which is not far from this guy.

I could have said it last night, but I lost my nerve. I think if this ends and I end up meeting someone else I will be upfront earlier on! I will comment again once I have told him.

I feel for you because there is definetly stigma around it. I have felt the stigma previously as I have 2 children, 2 diff dads, both were long term relationships one of 8 years one of 6.

All I will say is when I met my DP I didn't feel the need to hide anything. I was open from the start about everything (there are stories behind both and trauma) and he was nothing but understanding from the start and no judgement. If it feels right you shouldn't need to hide anything.

id raise it next time he mentions anything about wanting to be in a relationship, or even raise it yourself ‘talking about being in a relationship <insert stuff about how you value him> and want to be absolutely clear in a way you don’t tend to bother with more casual acquaintances. As PP all say, how he deals with it will tell you a lot about the sort of person he is.

It’s not about whether he will ‘accept’ this about you, it’s about whether he can passes the test of accepting this part of you.

I hope it goes well, if it doesn’t then you will know he is not good enough for you.

I told him, I couldn't really get it out properly and it was clumsy and I made a big deal of it. It came out because I'm taking my eldest to his Dad's instead of my original plan this weekend, and he asked me if I was still doing original plan.

He said he wanted to reassure me that it doesn't change how he feels about me or what he thinks of me. He said its not that unusual and families come in different shapes. I feel vulnerable and exposed. He has been nothing but lovely to me, but maybe this isn't for me, why do I feel vulnerable and exposed. Or is that self sabotage.

Either way its out now.

Definitely self sabotage, nothing happened, everything is fine. Build a bridge and get over it sister 😂 enjoy your relationship.