Massive row with my mum and I don't know if I can ever make amends

[WenchConnection]

I got home this week after staying with my mum for 2 1/2 weeks. My two preschool children stayed with me.

The majority of the time was spent nursing my grandfather in his last days, then looking after my gran once he passed away and I have never felt so close to my family. The night before the funeral I was supposed to drive with my dad to take the DC to MIL's for a couple of days. When it came to it I couldn't face it, a few small things had rendered me distraught and I just couldn't sit in a car for three hours. My dad agreed to take them himself but my mum insisted she went with them, not indicating that this was a massive problem.

When she got back she yelled at me that I didn't care about the children, we had a huge row which ended in me yelling 'If you want to talk about parenting I've got a few tips for you, but maybe it's too late'

We both then burst into tears and cried for hours.

I said I was sorry and told her it was pent up emotion from both of us, plus living so closely which we haven't done since I moved out aged 18. She apologised too, and I thought we'd moved on but she hasn't called me since and when I speak to my dad he sounds a little off.

I understand she is grieving for her father but I am too, and now I'm back home miles away I can't just talk to her and share things with her.

What can I do? I keep kicking myself over what a horrible thing I said to her.

Don't beat yourself up over this - I don't think it's such a terrible thing you have said. If she hadn't criticised your parenting, you wouldn't have had a go at hers.

She was horrible, you were horrible back and you've both been through a stressful and emotional time. You've obviously forgiven her for what she said to you, now forgive yourself.

You'll both get over it.

Write her a letter saying how terribly sorry you are that you let your pent up grief and tension get the better of you (but do not refer to anything specific) and asking whether you can both put it all behind you.

Thanks, I'm still all emotional wraught with everything, finding it hard to think in common sense terms.

A letter is a great idea, and especially not mentioning specifics.

Would a blank card be appropriate with a long letter inside? My mum adores receiving cards.

A lovely card (that your mother will understand you spent time choosing specifically for her) is a great idea.

I wil make the card myself, I used to make them for a living.

I cried all last night, I know my Grandad would hate my relationship with my mother, which has always been incredibly close and loving, to be torn apart by his death.

So many strands of our family have been pulled together by his illness and passing, and it has made me realise how important family are.

I really hope she thinks the same.

All you need to do is say exactly that , I'm sure it will all be forgotten and you'll be able to focus on helping each other.

Was that really all you said?

I don't think it's terrible at all - just a bland knee jerk response to her accusing you of neglecting your kids.

She's probably just all over the place at the moment - it would be very magnanimous of you to do the making up by sending a card.

Grandmothers can be such drama queens!

I don't think you said anything too bad considering the provocation.

You both said horrible things, you both apologised, stop feeling bad about it. Your mum was as much at fault as you were.