Is it me or is it him?

[Mummyb7]

Hey would be grateful for any advise on the situation!

me and my partner have been arguing for a while over the fact that he won’t ever put our 2 year old to sleep at night. He works and I don’t currently but always did before I had our son. He says he is too difficult to put to sleep and too tired after work to try.

i really don’t agree with this so was always pushing back and then we’d have a big argument and I’d give in.

now I’ve said I’d like to go to the cinema this week one evening with my friend. ( I rarely go out). Normally I put our son to sleep first but this time I’ve said I’m going out early so he will have to put him to sleep as I don’t think it’s fair for me to always have to go out late and then get in late because he can’t put him to sleep.

again it’s turned into a big row. I even waited to tell him until we had a really good day because I thought he’d be in a better mood. As soon as I mentioned it I’d ’ruined the day’. I he said either go out in the day on the weekend or put him to sleep before I go.

i snapped and said I can’t do it anymore and that I can’t sit by and let my life be like this. That I want to break up and for him to move out.

in my heart I don’t want this. We have a good relationship apart from these things. He’s a good dad apart from putting our son to sleep. But I just feel like he’s being so controlling! I wouldn’t let my sisters or friends be treated like this by their partner.

have I gone to far? I can’t get through to him any other way

He needs to be able to put his son to bed. This is absolutely ridiculous and totally unfair on you. To say you’d ruined the day just because you told him he has to put his own child to bed one night shows that not only is he not a good Dad he’s an absolute arse! Stand your ground OP.

What a lazy twat.

Just go out and leave when your ds is nice and wide awake!

This supposed prince amongst men is unable to put his son to bed because he's been at work all day and or is too tired to do so?. He does not want to do this for either his son, himself or you. What sort of male example is he to this child?.

He's a both selfish and immature man who you've got there, well for now at least. No wonder you snapped as you did. What was his response when you told him to move out of your home?.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. Stand your ground here OP.

It's not unteasonable for you to be able to for an evening and he put your dc to bed.Why can't you just have any evening out.

What about weekends? Can't he do it then? Does he want to be a dad or what? Does he do anything at the weekend whilst your putting him to bed, say the washing up for instance and you could take turns. I can understand during the week but the odd night here and there and weekends, even just one weekend eve wouldn't kill him.

Why should you have to go to the cinema during the day or earlier? You're not asking much at all.

If he can't even be arsed to do bedtime with a 2 year-old, what does he do to justify calling him "a good dad"?

hes either lazy or feels like a failure (due to lack of confidence and practice, it can be hard to get em down) and it’s putting him off trying.

he will have to parent his child at some point whether he likes it or not! he just needs to do it.

id suggest you also remind him that youre not having lovely jolly days not working, that youre knackered too, in case he thinks he’s been doing man work all day bringing in the bacon and youre lazing around napping and doing fuck all.

he needs to take his turn. Any shite and remind him that if you split up he will have the baby at least two days a week and then he will HAVE to put him to bed, alone without your help, so he best crack on with it just now. He should be doing bath time too and building a relationship with his son.

Honestly, i’d prob help him a bit more for a week or two on his nights to put baby down just to get over this hump eg if it’s his turn to make dinner/dishes then you do it instead so he just has to eat and that frees up time and energy for him to put the baby down.

So what did he say when you told him you wanted to break up? His response should tell you everything you need to know

On the assumption that you are not breastfeeding, I agree that your partner needs to learn to put his son to bed. However, I think you need to approach this gradually - for your son’s sake rather than his. If he is used to his mum always putting him to bed he could become very upset if you are not there. That may be happening now, which is why your partner currently finds it difficult.

Perhaps start off doing bedtime together - with you taking the lead and your partner watching. Then after a day or two, he could take over some of the routine, another day or two later he could do more, then he will be able to do it all, with you watching, and finally he will be able to do the whole thing.

It may take a week or even two, but if you go “cold turkey” the main person you will be punishing is your child.

he doesn’t do the washing up or cooking which I don’t mind as I’m not working. I’ve tried to say let’s ease into it and I’ll help you put him down once a week but we got no where with that and he refused.

I’ve kind of just given up trying to ask now. I thought he would be ok with doing it when I go out.

he did say if I went out on a Friday he would do it because he’d get a lie in the next day or a Saturday. But I just feel like it’s still unfair why should I have to always be the one comprimising.

when I said about breaking up he just says if that’s what you want I’ll move out. I feel bad for saying it but I just don’t know how else to get through to him.

he plays with our son loads even after work and he doesn’t take him out on weekends in the day.

This is very controlling and manipulative if you can’t trust to care for your son adequately. I would class this as willful neglect and your partner is not a good father if he refuses to put him to bed. If he using this to control you?

My son is difficult to get to sleep. I do end up lying with him. But he’s his dad and I feel like if he actually tried he would find his own way of doing it

Thing is he refuses to do this. I’ve tried to say let’s do it this way but he won’t. My son has a good relationship with his dad. Yes he’s used to me putting him to sleep but only because his dad won’t because he says he works and has to get up early so shouldn’t have to.

Could you try and get your son easier to put down? I know that’s not solving the lazy and disinterested DP problem but it can be demoralising for everyone when the kids are hard to get to bed.

Maybe you could try some controlled crying, a tonie box, a bath or whatever it takes and get DC falling asleep without your help?

He needs to learn, sharpish.

and to be honest i think his reaction is him knowing that he should be able to do it and but he's afraid to do it.

when I said about breaking up he just says if that’s what you want I’ll move out.

My goodness OP that is a very telling reaction. He will accept the breakup of your relationship in preference to putting his own child to bed. He really can't be very invested in being a Dad.

The current situation is so unfair on you, and so detrimental to the future relationship between him and his child. And he is being so intractable to reason or your practical suggestions to help.the situation he really isn't leaving you much choice other than to take drastic action.

I suppose it depends on how difficult putting your child to bed genuinely is - and what time he finally falls asleep.

As an extreme example, if you start putting your son to bed at 7pm and he doesn’t manage to get to sleep until midnight, then I can see that your partner has a point if he has to get up for work at 5am.

I am assuming that that is not the case. However, the fact that your partner feels he would need a lie-in afterwards suggests either that bedtime is quite late or that he is particularly useless.

He sounds pathetic. Let him move out, there’s little point in him staying.

Well he’ll need to learn pretty quick as he’ll have him ever second weekend or 50% of the time! Just pure laziness on his behalf

This ^

You don't have a good relationship

Hes not a good Dad

Kick him out

What a putz. Unless he's a baker and so has to get up at 3am to start wrestling some brioches then he's entirely capable of putting a toddler to bed. Does he think his cock's going to fall off if he reads a bedtime book to his own child?

Of course he should be able to put his own child to bed, he’s being ridiculous.

Fair enough for you to do it more if you’re a SAHM but that doesn’t mean you always have to do it,
you should be able to go out for the evening

What. A. Prince.